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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24635695">Lucky Thunder</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaltybitch/pseuds/thesaltybitch'>thesaltybitch</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, Pacific Rim (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Action/Adventure, Alien Invasion, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Angst and Feels, Brother/Brother Incest, Drift Compatibility, Epic Battles, Exes to Lovers, Exes to rivals to lovers, Feels, Flashbacks, Friendship, Giant Robots, Jaeger Pilots, Jaegers (Pacific Rim), Kaiju (Pacific Rim), M/M, Memories, Military, Minor Brunnhilde | Valkyrie/Sif (Marvel), Minor Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Non-Explicit Sex, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Sibling Incest, Slow Burn, Strained Relationships, Violence, falling back in love, no knowledge of pacific rim required</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:22:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>79,345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24635695</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaltybitch/pseuds/thesaltybitch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A long time ago, Loki thought he would conquer the world with his brother at his side. </p><p>A long time ago, Thor thought the same. </p><p>But life rarely goes as planned and now they have risen to respected positions of power, alone and deeply embittered. When a new kaiju with powerful abilities appears, the declining jaeger program struggles to meet the challenge. The brothers must navigate their prickly relationship and combine their efforts if they are going to win this war, or even the next battle.</p><p>And they are already out of time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Loki/Thor (Marvel)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>162</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello friends! Welcome, finally, to my magnum opus! If you've been following me on twitter for a while, you'll know this story has been the biggest pain in my ass. It is almost 2 years old at this point and has gone through about 17 iterations. I've put it through the wringer, cut 50k from it all at once, rearranged scenes, copy and pasted, and then frankendrafted it all back together and the end result is what I have here. </p><p>Necessary shoutouts:</p><p>+ <a href="https://twitter.com/spacerenegades">Snuzz</a>: for being endlessly supportive and patient with me for nearly two wholeass years of this. You put up with my whining, manically deleting massive chunks of story, and crying over literally nothing and not once did you yell at me, although you had every right to. I’m sorry you must share this braincell with me, but at least I’m funny once every three months.</p><p>+ My sister, Ri, for so, so, sooooo many things. For providing the dopest looking kaiju design I’ve ever fucking seen and learning how to draw digitally so I could include it in this story; for being my beta and skyping me for hours-long brainstorm sessions about a story in a fandom you do not necessarily care about. You took on a veritable lion’s share of the work with this piece and I couldn’t have done it without you. Thanks for making sure this story is the best it can be.</p><p>A couple of housekeeping notes:</p><p>a) The kaiju codenames refer to their category, not the individual kaiju itself like in the movie. This is intentional.</p><p>2) The author is not a military person. I tried my very best to keep the hierarchy and terminology straight but sometimes a girl is just too stupid and it requires too much effort to figure it out and apply it to a made up military power. If it is confusing, I apologize. I did my best. </p><p>d) All of the art you see was commissioned for this story specifically. The artists will be linked at the chapter end notes if you’re interested in seeing more from them or would like to support them! </p><p>Lastly: I also have moodboards and a playlist for you to enjoy if you should be interested.<br/><a href="https://www.pinterest.com/overlysalted/thor-pacrim-aesthetic/">Thor Moodboard</a><br/><a href="https://www.pinterest.com/overlysalted/loki-pacrim-aesthetic/">Loki Moodboard</a><br/><a href="https://www.pinterest.com/overlysalted/pacific-rim-aesthetic/">Aesthetics</a><br/>And the <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/31SkjhvcTxOt8B0dE3Y3kd?si=VmIre8ThQTyS6nscFdzxeg">Spotify Playlist</a></p><p>  <strong>+++This is a complete story! Updates will be posted every Wednesday and Saturday.+++</strong></p><p>That’s all I have for now!</p><p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082: US Pacific Coastline, California Unit</strong>
</p><p>It was a nice day, all things considered. The sun was out, the water was calm, and Thor could just barely make out a flock of seagulls in the distance. California was every inch as beautiful as it’s reputation used to claim even if the climate had shifted from 365 days of temperate weather to a constant, sweltering heat in the summer that persisted late into October.</p><p>Even after being attacked by aliens, the coast had managed to maintain much of its original beauty despite the military landscape that erupted almost overnight. Thor was more surprised it hadn’t just slid off the continent and become one with the ocean at this point, but he was glad for it.</p><p>He shifted back and forth on his feet and felt the water push and pull around the jaeger’s sturdy legs and listened to the whirr of well-oiled machinery below him. Most pilots had some form of attachment to their jaeger, much like sailors to ships, but <i>Lucky Thunder</i> was a special case. The giant mech had been built for Thor specifically, customized for his exact peculiarities and crammed to the teeth with features that catered to Thor’s specific style of fighting, which could be summed up as...well, as brawling. Other jaeger models of the same range stood a little more lithe and athletic, but <i>Lucky</i> stood a little shorter than the rest at 255 feet tall, weighing roughly 2,000 pounds, and boasting 65 diesel engines per muscle strand; or as Thor liked to put it: big, bad, and packing one hell of a wallop. </p><p>"Incoming," Tony's voice crackled in his ear.</p><p>He had felt the vibrations before Tony said anything and was already in motion. Leatherbacks were notoriously clumsy and heavy-footed compared to more agile members of their species, but like <i>Lucky</i> they packed a nasty punch. The horizon tilted violently and metal groaned against rock as the feet of his jaeger shifted for purchase along the ocean floor. Thor propelled himself to the right and a huge shadow passed overhead as the kaiju’s thick, armored tail sailed by, missing him by a few feet. </p><p>He skidded to a halt, catching himself in a crouch and extending his hand. The ocean surged around him and made him sway a little but he was used to the movement. Mjolnir sang in the air as she returned to him. He could practically feel it against the skin of his palm as she snapped into the jaeger’s grip with a heavy <i>thunk</i>. He thrust the hammer forward and sent a hot streak of lightning towards the kaiju. </p><p>Electricity crackled. There was an angry bellow and a puff of smoke. Thor whooped and felt a grin split across his face.</p><p>The smell of ozone filled the air while the leatherback stomped and its whole body shuddered, sparks traveling along its spine and vanishing. It took a few lumbering steps backward and eyed Thor's jaeger with renewed hatred.</p><p>“Yeah, that’s right. Come and get it,” Thor brandished the hammer at it, baiting it.</p><p>"Don't get cocky," Loki's voice whipped through the cockpit from surrounding speakers. It was strung tighter than violin and riddled with barely concealed anxiety, which was to be expected.</p><p>Thor had played games with kaiju ever since his first day in the field and a fun addition to the thrill was that it also made Loki mad. Not that he would ever do anything remotely irritating for the sole sake of pissing his brother off, except that he would. Anything to irritate the decorated head of Shatterdome 082. </p><p>"I'm never cocky,” he replied.</p><p>Loki sighed in his ear and he watched as the kaiju sat back onto its haunches, eyeing him shrewdly with beady little blue eyes that were far too small for something so large. Thor took the offense this time and pushed off into a full out sprint, ignoring the way his muscles screamed at him for the effort.</p><p>“Come on,” he muttered impatiently as he ran.</p><p>His heart thundered in his chest, steady and calm despite his situation. The kaiju wiggled its giant body like a cat preparing to pounce.</p><p>“Come on.”</p><p>The kaiju leapt, claws extended. </p><p>Just what he wanted. He didn’t slow his approach and instead waited until the last possible second and then flipped over onto his back, sliding beneath the kaiju's outstretched limbs and snatching at one thick leg with his free hand. The kaiju roared in surprise as its trajectory changed abruptly and flipped head-over-tail. Thor used the momentum as a counterweight to right himself and slammed the kaiju into the water. The ocean exploded around them with a thunderous clap. Mjolnir curved a bright arc, singing in the sunlight as Thor brought the hammer down to finish the job, lightning crackling through the air as he brought it down on the hideous, glowing head. The waves didn't even have time to swallow the body up. </p><p>A horrifying crunch and then silence. Blue poured into the ocean and stained the waves around him.</p><p>Thor dropped the hammer and leant forward against his knees. He was panting behind his helmet, elated, even as sweat dripped down his neck and stung at his eyes. He shook his head a little.</p><p>"For fuckssake," Loki’s acerbic comment was nearly under his breath, but loud enough to be heard and definitely intended for him</p><p>Thor waved him off tiredly. His chest heaved as the ocean settled back into its usual rhythm around him.</p><p>"Extraction is on the way,” Loki said. “If you could possibly refrain from any other outrageous antics until then.”</p><p>Thor straightened and called Mjolnir back and swung it up over his shoulder to lock onto <i>Lucky’s</i> back with a magnetic snap.</p><p>There was a crowd waiting for him in the armory when he finally exited the comm pod. The helmet was already cold under his arm as he braced it against his hip and ran a hand through his sweat-damp hair. Most of the crowd was made up of younger cadets in their late teens and early twenties, all in training to become pilots. Despite being part of the crew at the shatterdome, cadets only ever got to watch the fights and some of them were practically crawling out of their skin to get in a jaeger already. Thor sympathized</p><p>It only took Loki appearing in the doorway for the crowd to disperse like cockroaches in the light, fleeing for the safety of the shadows and back to work. Thor frowned and felt his mood sink. People deserved to be excited and celebrate the hope they rarely came by in this forever war, but Loki seemed determined to squash it at any opportunity. Word was his brother sat at the right hand of the devil, some said he was the devil himself. Thor had to admit the chatter had some merit, but in general his brother was just a giant ball of unaddressed issues that took the form of a bitchy, batlike creature that went bump in the night. Not that he could talk about unaddressed issues, but at least he wasn’t out here scaring children.</p><p>He turned a glare on him with displeasure. Loki’s knifelike face seemed to warp the light as it fell on him, making him seem even more pinched and angular than usual. Dark circles sat beneath his green eyes, a deep bluish-purple that bled through the translucent paleness of his skin. They made eye contact for a second but Loki’s face was impassive, as always. Then suddenly he was gone, melting into the shadows like he had been one of them all along. Thor tried and failed not to feel frustrated.</p><p>The armory was a short walk down the hallway. A technician took his helmet as he stepped onto the platform to have his armor removed and mechanical arms lowered from the ceiling and up from the floor around him to begin unscrewing the armored combat suit. </p><p>“Another happy voyage.”</p><p>Thor didn’t have to turn his head to know who the new voice belonged to. Tony Stark had been with the dome since the beginning and had been one of the driving reasons Thor had pushed to be transferred here from the east coast. There was nobody who knew <i>Lucky</i> like Tony did.</p><p>Similarly to Loki, Tony was <i>also</i> an ass of a human, but he was a little more self contained. If you could get past the expensive cologne and his infuriating inability to sit still for longer than five minutes he could be downright tolerable. Thor liked him.</p><p>"Nice work out there, big guy," said Tony as he approached, giving Thor the barest hint of a wink. "That was one hell of a fight."</p><p>“Eh,” Thor winced as a shoulder pauldron stuck and then got yanked off. </p><p>"How'd those actuators hold up for you?" asked Tony, pushing his hands into his pockets and eyeing the machines with a critical eye as they worked, undoubtedly making improvements to them in his head."Looks like you gave them a good test run."</p><p>"Worked like a charm," Thor said, grinning a little. "Did you see how fast I was out there?”</p><p>The new tech had allowed him to practically fly through the water and turn on a dime. It was a dream in a jaeger—they’d always had issues with lag time and, believe it or not, turning radius.</p><p>Tony’s mouth twitched proudly. “Of course I did. I just wanted an honest opinion. You know they’re the fastest actuators you can actually build; everything from superconducting wire and zero resistance linear tracks—”</p><p>“Gods above,” Thor groaned. “I know.” </p><p>“Oh, I’m sorry,” Tony feigned shock. "I thought I was talking to somebody who cared.”</p><p>“The only thing I care about right now is a shower,” said Thor as a machine swiveled around and chirruped angrily in his face for moving too much. He held still.</p><p>“Well, while I’m here, I might as well fill you in,” said Tony casually. “I've sent you a couple files on this already, but I wanted to make sure our star of the show was in the loop—"</p><p>"Bullshit, you just wanted to know how your baby worked in the field," said Thor. </p><p>"Obviously."</p><p>Thor stretched as the last piece of armor was removed and then took the tiny flight of steps back down to the ground. The robotic arms whisked his disassembled armor away to be cleaned and stored. He had a sudden need to be in comfortable clothing. Tony followed him to his locker, his eyes glued to the little holophone he held in his hand, trawling through all manner of social media for news. Thor struggled out of the sticky neuro suit that acted as a buffer between his skin and the armor and provided basic things like temperature control. It made a floppy sound as he tossed it into the sanitizing locker to be cleaned. </p><p>"Tell me about this other business,” he said, retrieving his hoodie and pulling it over his head.</p><p>"Yeah, it’s less ‘storytelling’ material, more ‘watch the footage in horror’ kind of thing," said Tony, pocketing his phone after a moment. “You’ll see.”</p><p>“Just tell me,” Thor said, taking a swig out of a metal water bottle and shutting the locker with more force than he meant to.</p><p>"So, you know in this whole alien war we’ve encountered some pretty big threats: Leatherbacks and Otachi, even the Slatterns—” </p><p>Thor nodded. The kaiju categorization went up to five, which was a massive and aggressive kaiju. The last one they’d encountered had been a long fight and required two fully-functional jaegers and air support to take it down.</p><p>“—this isn’t common knowledge yet mind you, we have a category-VI as of, uh, a couple hours ago,” said Tony, checking his watch. “So far we know it took out an amphibious jaeger, made landfall, and took out an entire ground battalion and then just disappeared.”</p><p>Thor’s brows shot up into his hairline. “It took out an entire unit? Where?”</p><p>“Quill’s compound,” Tony said and angled his shoulders sideways to make room for a group of cadets making their way past, chattering loudly.</p><p>Thor squeezed his eyes shut for a second, trying to make sense of the scale that was. Ground forces were nothing to scoff at, they had a decade of experience under their belt and ran like a well-oiled machine. Thor would know, he’d trained in the smaller, land jaegers for a couple years before graduating to <i>Lucky</i> and as far as support teams went, there was none better. A kaiju making landfall was more rare these days, but when it did happen it might cost them maybe half a team on a bad day. </p><p>“That can’t be right,” he said.</p><p>"You know, funny enough, I don’t really have time to make up weird lies to make your eyes bug out of your head like they just did," Tony mused. "Don’t get me wrong, it was a bonus, but I’m not actually kidding. This thing didn’t even break a sweat. Once it got past the coastline it took out ground in less than half an hour and air support barely stood a chance. I’m running the stats now.”</p><p>“On what?”</p><p>“Oh, you know, basic D&amp;D breakdown: strength, dexterity, intelligence, charisma—”</p><p>“Charisma?”</p><p>“Charisma. You know, just because it’s a monster doesn’t mean it can’t have nuance.”</p><p>Thor snorted. “Okay, sure. So what are we doing about it?”</p><p>“Well, that remains to be seen, you see in order to get data we need resources and to get resources we need funding and to get funding—”</p><p>“—we have to talk to Loki,” Thor growled.</p><p>As Marshal, Loki was in charge of being their representative for anything they might need from the Defense Corps and he was extremely strict about allocation. Not that he shouldn’t have been. Thanks to the wall defense initiative, the jaeger program was skating by on the back of a wing and a fucking prayer. Whatever funding they still received went into three essential areas: maintenance, rations, and seismic readers. Without the seismic readers they were dead in the water, so they poured all their time and effort into updating and maintaining them. If all else failed, they would at least have a jaeger and something to tell them when and where to go. All that aside, getting Loki to approve anything outside those three areas was likely going to require its own task force, most likely one that didn’t include Thor.</p><p>“So if all this isn’t strictly official, how did you find out?”</p><p>“Unfortunately, Newt,” said Tony. “Well, actually Banner has a connection in Florida who has a contact in Siberia who knows a lady in China doing some really obscure prediction work. It’s not technically sanctioned research,” his fingers made little marks in the air around the words. “So it’s not backed up by the right people, but she’s onto something because she had this predicted a least a week in advance.”</p><p>“So why didn’t we do anything about it?”</p><p>Tony waved theatrically. “Bureaucracy.”</p><p>“Figures.” </p><p>Tony nodded.</p><p>“So, what now?” </p><p>“Try to save the world, duh.” Tony paused before adding, “again.”</p><p>They came to a stop in front of a heavy metal door, one of several that lined either side of the hallway. It had a rough wheel the size of a dinner plate in the center. </p><p>"Take a nap, big guy,” Tony’s hand was warm as he clapped Thor on the back and smiled, causing deep wrinkles to gather at the corners of his eyes. He looked tired. “I have this handled. And don't forget to review the files I sent you, you might need them for your interview tonight."</p><p>Oh right, the press trip. Loki had sent him a memo this morning. It all seemed like ages ago.</p><p>Thor waved his friend off and stepped into his room, his mood mildly boosted by the reminder that he would soon have solid earth beneath his feet. It would be a cold day in hell when he said no to a trip inland and the chance to get away from the cold, metal compound. It just so happened that the powers at be—meaning Loki and their public affairs officer, Natasha—always agreed upon one thing and that was positive press. With propaganda on the defense wall running rampant, they needed the face of the jaeger program front and center as often as they could manage and Thor was the most valuable public figure they had. </p><p>His skin tingled with anticipation as he stepped into the shower and tucked his head beneath the too-low shower head to get his hair wet. It had been a couple months since his last press trip and he was eager to be back in the city. It wasn’t a city that existed before the kaiju war began, it began as a sentimental reconstruction of “San Francisco” that had been erected further in after the original city was obliterated in the early days of the war. It wasn’t anything like it’s namesake, but it was the best they could manage. </p><p>Plus, they had killer bars, which was his only concern. You could always count on two things to survive any crisis and they were cockroaches and alcohol. </p><p>Salt and sweat swirled down the drain as he scrubbed at his skin with a rough cloth and a dwindling bar of soap. He mentally laid out what he would pack for the overnight trip and felt a familiar sadness that he wouldn’t be going with anybody. Loki didn’t exactly count. Not anymore.</p><p>Being the world’s only solo jaeger pilot came with a lot of things, but what he hadn’t expected was the loneliness. He had friends of course, he was surrounded by good people, but when you were the only pilot on the force who didn't pilot with a partner, you were the only one. He often thought about this particularly bizarre trajectory his career had taken. </p><p>The world had been losing faith in the jaeger program when his <i>talent</i> had surfaced and the interest surged. Nearly overnight, he was the most famous person the world over. Everybody knew his name, they wanted him for talk shows and magazine covers and sponsorships. There were even action figures. It felt odd to have achieved the fame alone because as much as it appeared that way, he and Loki hadn’t always been at odds. He had always just assumed he would rise to power and fame with Loki at his side, or at the very least with his support. He never once stopped to think he might be there alone.</p><p>That had all been years ago though, and instead of riding a wave of popularity to victory he found himself desperately grasping at straws just to keep the jaeger program relevant. As their competence grew against the kaiju, so did the complacency of the people they were designed to protect. Add that to corrupt politicians and billionaires like Tony’s father and eventually the world moved on. The jaeger programs now had to rely on star players like him to keep people aware of their existence and reminded of what sacrifices were being made on the front lines.</p><p>His fame only got them so far and he was the only one left with the kind of status that attracted a crowd.</p><p>It wasn’t that Loki didn’t also hold a similar renown as a Marshal either, he was just different. When people saw Thor, they tended to mob him asking for autographs and pictures. When people saw his brother they got quiet. Loki wasn’t just the youngest Marshal on the force, he was also the distinguished head of the Jaeger Pilot Program and he sent cadets on to become some of the most decorated offices in the force. Even Marshal Danvers wanted his graduates.</p><p>Not for the first time, Thor wondered what their life might have been like had they stayed civil.</p><p>He stepped from his shower and began to towel off. The intercom buzzed, earning an irritable sigh. Speak of the devil.</p><p>“What?” he asked shortly.</p><p>"We're leaving at three."</p><p>Loki never minced words.</p><p>"Good afternoon to you, too," Thor snapped.</p><p>"If you're not ready I'm leaving without you."</p><p>The comm snapped dead. Thor sighed and ran a hand over his face. The best thing about going inland used to be that Loki always went with him. Now the worst thing about going inland was that Loki always went with him. </p><p>He tossed the towel down the laundry chute and let the cool air lick up his bare skin.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>“Thor Odinson, everybody! Thanks for tuning in. We’ll see you tomorrow night!”<p>Thor let his face split into a smile and turned smoothly to look into the camera, reminding himself not to look directly into the stage lighting like he always did. He flashed a thumbs up and winked for good measure, holding the grin until the grip signaled they were off the air. </p><p>This was his element. Cameras loved him.</p><p>“Really great to see you, Thor,” Fandral was sleek as ever, that genuine, million-dollar smile of his flashing in the blinding lights. “It’s been far too long.”</p><p>Fandral had been the first to host him on a talk show and they had quickly become friends outside of Thor’s occasional appearances. Thor reached out and grasped his hand with genuine affection. “Next time I’m around for a bit longer I’ll hit you up for a beer.”</p><p>Fandral pointed at him. “I’ll hold you to that.”</p><p>Thor laughed. </p><p>The shatterdome’s public affairs officer was his acting media manager for the evening. She was a brilliant woman with the name <i>Natasha Romanoff</i> printed on her press pass, her red hair was perfectly curled. She tapped him on the shoulder to remind him he was on a schedule, jerked her head towards the crowd, and went right back to the phone that seemed permanently attached to her hand. According to Tony, she ran a vastly popular twitter account. </p><p>He spent the next forty-five minutes engaging with the crowd, signing autographs, and taking selfies. Like at the compound, the people were particularly excited today, bolstered by his recent success. They still had some supporters left, it would seem. Some he recognized, but most he didn’t.</p><p>By the time he was walking back towards his dressing room he was exhausted. If he came out here more often he might just pour himself a couple fingers of whiskey and call it a night, but since he was inland so rarely he was going out. He couldn’t afford to miss out on the chance to blow off steam. Like Fandral said, it had been a long time since he’d been here.</p><p>That was why things like Red Bull existed.</p><p>Yawning, he slid a finger into the knot of his tie to loosen it as he turned the knob and walked into a frankly outrageous room. </p><p>It was much too big, for starters, boasting a sizable bathroom filled with more amenities than he could keep track of—definitely more than he would use over the course of the few hours he spent on the show. Back in the day, there would be a number of buckets filled to the brim with fanmail and gifts; vases of flowers decorating every surface. It was considerably less now. Still, there were a few gifts that looked like they promised very expensive booze and he would make the effort to take that back to the compound with him. </p><p>He yanked the tie off and turned to find the one person he didn’t particularly want to deal with right now or really ever. </p><p>Loki was leaning against the edge of the vanity, careful to preserve the crisp lines of his uniform. His brother was all business and sharp edges, right down to the corner of his mouth. It curled ever so slightly whenever he thought something was beneath him and it was a full smile tonight, tight-lipped and controlled. Thor already knew he thought this was a colossal waste of time. </p><p>He growled, “What the hell are you doing here?” </p><p>Loki looked at him icily. “I couldn’t find a sitter.”</p><p>“Isn’t there something else you could be doing?”</p><p>“Other than babysitting the world’s most <i>beloved</i> jaeger pilot?” asked Loki.</p><p>It was his favorite barb to toss when he was feeling prickly, which was always. Thor ignored him and shrugged out of his suit jacket. Being around Loki was always complicated and he hated the way it made him feel out of control. Did he actually want to know why his brother was here? No, he didn’t. He just wanted to be left alone for the few hours they didn’t have to be cooped up in the same metal fortress together. </p><p>The air hummed in tense silence as Thor stripped angrily out of the gray suit and traded it for a pair of jeans and a sherpa-lined leather jacket. The jacket had numerous awards stitched to the front and he was very proud of them, however, his favorite part was the bold letters emblazoned on the back that spelled out <i>“Lucky Thunder”</i> backed by a single lightning bolt. </p><p>He left the white dress shirt on, unbuttoning it casually as he turned back to his brother. </p><p>“You’re obviously here for something,” he said. “Say it or get out.”</p><p>He locked eyes with the shifting green of Loki’s eyes, they were never quite the same color depending on the angle of the light. Tonight they were sharp against the dim lighting, calculating and unyielding. </p><p>When Loki didn’t respond past a shitty little smirk, Thor shoved him, hard, pinning him against the wall with a hand at his throat. He didn’t remember getting angry, but his heart was beating against his throat and he could taste his brother’s breath at this proximity, sharp and sweet on his tongue as it had always been.</p><p>“I said, what do you want, <i>Loki</i>?” he growled.</p><p>Loki’s body was taut like a bowstring beneath him, but to his credit he didn’t flinch. He never flinched. </p><p>“Complete and total obedience,” said Loki, unfazed as if Thor was simply a nuisance, a bug to be absently flicked away. “But since that’s impossible from you, I’m here. Because I have to mind you and keep you out of trouble like a toddler because you simply can’t be bothered to behave.”</p><p>He placed a blunted nail to Thor’s chest where his shirt opened and pressed mercilessly. Thor snarled at the pain and stepped back. </p><p>“I’m also here to give you your orders,” Loki said, straightening his jacket. “You can’t go out tonight. I assume Tony briefed you on what happened in Florida earlier?</p><p>“Yes, and?” Thor rubbed at the indentation on his chest, incredulous.</p><p>“Good. Then you understand why we need you alert in case you are needed.”</p><p>That was a baldfaced lie if Thor had ever heard one. Kaiju didn’t attack more than once in a twenty-four hour period, it was heavily documented. His brother was lying through his teeth. </p><p>“Fuck you,” he spat. “I’m not staying shut inside a hotel room to watch reruns because you have a <i>hunch.</i>”</p><p>“Aren’t we confident,” said Loki acidly. “Just remember if you go out I will be forced to put a very convincing note of misconduct on your record and suspend you.”</p><p>His green eyes glittered dangerously, daring Thor to challenge him. Thor bit his tongue. He’d been described as reckless and often heard the term “idiot” in the same sentences as his name, but he was far from stupid. Loki’s threats were never idle.</p><p>Loki’s thin lips tugged upward with just the barest hint of satisfaction. He knew he’d won. He said, “keep your phone on,” and then his shoes clicked against the hardwood twice and he was gone. </p><p>The door shut gently behind him.</p>
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    <i>fig. 1, left: Thor Odinson, Jaeger Pilot/Lucky Thunder // fig. 2, right: Loki Odinson, Marshal/Shatterdome 082, US Pacific Coast.</i>
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    <i>art by andlatitude</i>
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</div>Loki felt his shoulders come down out of his ears as he left his brother behind in the dressing room. Nothing boiled his blood like being around Thor. Nothing. He’d been bluffing when he said he would bench Thor because as much as he loved the idea of shoving Thor’s mistakes in his face, he couldn’t afford to.<p>Coincidentally, he was meeting with a member of the financial committee tonight to make a case for more funding. He had low hopes. This meeting had happened many times over with different officials over the years and the most he’d ever gotten was a couple one-time handouts to shut him up and yet here he was again. Groveling was not his favorite thing to do, but if it got him what he needed it was a small price to pay. </p><p>His shoes clicked against the marble steps of the stairwell as he descended to the hotel lobby. It was a nice hotel. A little gaudy with an overwhelming amount of white and gold, a combo Loki had never particularly enjoyed. It made his brain itch to look at. He had the concierge call him a cab and lounged in the lobby while he waited. He took that time to ignore the dozens of work emails sitting in his inbox in favor of stalking members of the corps on social media and other, less publicly accessible websites. </p><p>In an ideal world, he would have been a member of intelligence. Lurking in the shadows, gathering information, using it to disrupt and cause chaos and get certain results—it was something he had always been good at. Even in their youth while Thor gallivanted around between various sports teams and collected friends, Loki spent his time trading secrets for joints in the out-of-order stall in the girl’s bathroom. </p><p>Unfortunately for him and his purposes now, the financial committee was filled with old men and women who barely remembered how to add a signature to their email, let alone utilize the internet properly, which meant there was little dirt for him to dig up on them. It wasn’t one of the most popular branches of government, so the press rarely covered their activity even though it was possibly the most corrupt Loki had ever seen. </p><p>The car rolled to a halt and let him out. The concrete was damp and the air was heavy as he walked the half a block to the restaurant. His suit suddenly felt constricting as his hair began to stick to the back of his neck. </p><p>The air was muted inside. It gave the impression that it was a restaurant that thought quite highly of itself. The kind where they didn’t list prices on the menu and boasted items that hardly qualified as food. Loki was all about paying for a fancy meal, but he was not about to drop a fortune on a liquefied bagel. This looked like liquefied bagel territory.</p><p>He spotted his appointment seated at the end of the bar looking just as pretentious as the restaurant. Before he could stop it, a sense of cynicism washed over him. How many times was he going to have this conversation only to be told no? No matter what his reputation said about him, he did genuinely care for his soldiers and he was tired of being told they didn’t matter. He made his way over through the dull murmur of conversation and tried not to lose hope before he got there.</p><p>“Marshal Odinson, how are you?”</p><p>Commander Ross was a tiny, immaculate kind of person with dirty blonde hair that was cut to the kind of precision the corps no longer required. Never a good sign. The only soldiers who still followed hair regulations were assholes and sticklers for even the most obsolete of rules. To complete the image, Ross was wearing his dress uniform complete with shiny shoes and had a holopad on the bar in front of him, interminably full of himself despite the fact that Loki suspected the man would stand a full head and a half shorter than him at full height</p><p>He took his proffered hand—a firm, brisk grasp on his end—and slid into the seat next to him. Ross flagged the bartender to order drinks.</p><p>“Well, your reputation certainly precedes you, Marshal,” Ross said without preamble. “How flattering you found time in your busy schedule for me.”</p><p>Loki said, “My visits to the mainland are carefully scheduled. I had the time.”</p><p>Actually, he had rearranged several scheduled events to make this meeting work, but he hated the idea that he’d carved out time for Ross specifically. He smiled and it felt like stretching rubber over his teeth. </p><p>“So what did you think of my proposal?” he asked. </p><p>“It was very thorough,” Ross replied, his eyes twinkling coolly. “You certainly had a lot to say about this issue.”</p><p>Loki hoped his irritation didn’t show on his face as strongly as he felt it. Ross was talking down to him in that heavily patronizing way that made him want to stab things. The bartender returned with their drinks and Loki gripped his for something to do, taking a moment to breathe and swirl the oily looking liquid in the glass, briefly admiring the way it clung to the edges before taking a too-large swallow. It burned on the way down. </p><p>“The jaeger programs are providing essential protective measures,” he said through the exhale. He could feel the heat of the liquor hit the back of his teeth and was grateful for it. “I don’t need to remind you that we represent the world’s frontline defense. If we’re to continue operating at the present standard we will need access and funding for maintenance, at the very least.”</p><p>“Marshal—”</p><p>“We have four domes along the US Pacific coast alone that are down an asset due to maintenance costs and accessibility,” Loki continued. “Without jaeger teams operating at full capacity, the rates of impact skyrocket, I’m sure you’re aware of the statistics. They were in my report.”</p><p>Ross frowned. “That sounds like a personnel issue. I’m not sure what we can do for inadequate tech teams.”</p><p>“The teams are more than adequate,” said Loki, surprised to hear his voice sounded level, reasonable even. “This is not an issue of competence, it is a financial issue. I can reassure you we are more than ready to provide the necessary paperwork to confirm the funds are utilized appropriately.”</p><p>“I understand you’d be more <i>comfortable</i> with extra funding, but I’m afraid you’re already getting all we can spare. But you know this. We’ve discussed this before have we not?” said Ross, his fingers dancing across his holotab like this was news to him. Loki was certain it was not. “Not between you and I, per se, but you have been in contact with persons in my department for several years now.”</p><p>Loki didn’t look at the screen Ross pulled up for him, a list of the times he had contacted the treasurer and the finance members and campaign teams to discuss this time after time. There were over fifteen points of contact over the past five years and he remembered them all with striking clarity. </p><p>“I’m well aware of my own history, Commander,” he said. Anger burned in his chest, mixing with the heat of the alcohol. “And if you look at the notes, you’ll see that nobody has lifted a finger to help the soldiers on the front lines in the last half decade, so until that happens I will continue to make appointments to discuss their well-being and the functionality of the jaeger program. It is, after all, our most viable defense option in this war.”</p><p>“You have my deepest sympathies for your troubles,” Ross said, feigning a very good look of remorse. “But to be frank, I’m not sure why you’re still trying. Has nobody notified you about the wall initiative?”</p><p>Loki struggled to keep his face neutral against the blatant condescension. The wall effort was his nemesis and the most idiotic, bureaucratic nonsense to come out of the corps’ ass yet, he had to hand it to them. There was an ongoing campaign for funding and public support that had been headlining for the past year and a half, thanks to support from billionaires like Howard Stark and his ilk. You couldn’t watch five minutes of television before seeing an ad for the wall. </p><p>“I’m aware.”</p><p>Ross watched him carefully. “Including the part where we’ll be focusing our efforts there from here out? You understand.”</p><p>That he wasn’t aware of. Loki felt the disappointment hit him like a brick that sucked the air from his lungs, but he let his teeth split through his smile this time, humorless and bare. Ross returned the favor with the self-satisfied smirk of somebody who knew he’d won. Loki wanted nothing more than to smack the look right off his face. Not a lot of things spurred him into feeling like physical violence was the answer, but he’d been fighting two wars since he became Marshal: one for his government, the other against that same government.</p><p>“Don’t feel like you need to reach out again, Marshal,” Ross said. “We’ll let you know if we need you.”</p><p>“I hope we’re able to help when that call happens,” said Loki coldly. “And I think even you know that’s a ‘when’ and not an ‘if,’ Commander. Don’t bother getting up.” He rose and tipped back the last of the dark brown liquor and waved the bartender down, jerking his head towards Ross. “It’s on him.”</p><p>He didn’t look back as he walked out of the bar with his shoulder blades pinned back, his spine ramrod straight.</p><p>The air outside seemed to help a little bit. He slid his hands into his pockets and walked, passing colorful street vendors and sidewalks teeming with California’s nightlife. It might have been enjoyable had he not been viciously hunting Commander Ross for sport in his head. </p><p>It was times like this that he wished he had somebody to vent to. Normally it was Bucky who filled this position, but he was miles away back at the shatterdome, happily bunked up with his husband of six months. Loki didn’t care if he was interrupting <i>that</i>—he didn’t care much for Rogers even if he was a reliable captain—but making a call to the shatterdome because he was annoyed seemed excessive and unnecessarily needy.</p><p>Instead he decided to lurk at the back of a large musical event that seemed to be the main attraction of the night. The streets had been roped off for a pedestrian market and a stage had been set up at the far end of it and he was pleasantly surprised to find he recognized the songs that blared from the mediocre speakers.</p><p>It was impossible to ignore the nostalgia. It was the kind of nostalgia that came with a profound sense of loss, only made louder by the knowledge that the jaeger program was now officially an endangered entity. He took a second to calm the raging storm in his mind and let the vibrations of the bass travel through his bones, distracting him if only for a beat. There wasn’t a lot of room for frivolity when you were marooned out in the middle of the ocean surrounded by the same steel walls for the greater part of the year. He had meant to return to the hotel and do work, but instead he found himself shrugging out of his jacket and threading through throngs of strangers to get closer. </p><p>He never reached the front. The angry chirping of his phone brought him back to the present.</p><p>
  <i>[ENCRYPTED]/Emergency Communications/User: STARK,T. (Engineering)</i><br/>
<i>//:CATEGORY FOUR KAIJU PRESENCE CONFIRMED. ALL UNITS DISPATCHED./</i><br/>
<i>[ENCRYPTED]/End Message//:</i>
</p><p>Loki dragged a hand down his face and stared at the words until they blurred and doubled before his eyes. He was moving back through the crowd and flagging a taxi down before he knew his feet had moved. A second message blinked into view and his heart sank into an icy knot at the pit of his stomach.</p><p>
  <i>[ENCRYPTED]/Emergency Communications/User: STARK, T. (Engineering)</i><br/>
<i>//:CATEGORY SIX KAIJU PRESENCE CONFIRMED. REQUESTING BACKUP./</i><br/>
<i>[ENCRYPTED]/End Message//:</i>
</p><p>Followed immediately by:</p><p>
  <i>[ENCRYPTED]/Emergency Communications/User: STARK, T. (Engineering)</i><br/>
<i>//:KAIJU BIG. REAL BIG. NOT KIDDING. COME ASAP./</i><br/>
<i>[ENCRYPTED]/End Message//:</i>
</p><p>Loki steeled himself as he slid into the grimy, damp interior of a cab before it even rolled to a stop and told the driver to step on it. Regardless of everything he felt, he still had a job to do. He leaned back as the vehicle accelerated and opened his phone and dialed his brother’s number, praying to the gods Thor had decided to stay in and watch reruns of <i>The Simpsons</i>.</p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>+ I'm thrilled to FINALLY reveal some of the art that I commissioned from <a href="https://twitter.com/aandlatitude">Andlatitude</a>! It feels like forever ago that I asked if she would be willing to do some commissions for this fic and she absolutely knocked it out of the park. I have been dying to release them to the world and I'm glad that time has finally come. Definitely go check out her twitter to see more of her work. </p><p>+ Reminder: updates posting every Wednesday and Saturday!</p><p>+ Thank you so much for reading!</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>moral of the story: don't drink and operate heavy machinery, kids</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // New San Francisco, California</strong>
</p><p>Thor did not stay in.</p><p>The call of the bars was too strong and something about the air here smelled like freedom and irresponsibility. Like hell he was going to ignore that, Loki’s “note of misconduct” could bite him. </p><p>He was pleased to find he didn’t have to walk for more than two blocks from his hotel to find the first bar. It was then and there that he decided fate was on his side tonight and he was going to drink his way down the street until he ran out of bars. It still felt like a good idea by the end of it all when the room began to tilt beneath his feet and the graffiti on the walls began to blur together. By the time he was stumbling back to his room he was almost too drunk to remember how to operate his keycard. </p><p>After several failed attempts, a couple well-meaning passers by, and almost snapping the card in two at one point, he managed to fall into his room. He made his way across the plushy carpet and flopped onto the bed, appreciating the softness of the comforter. It was a shame he was in it by himself, really. He really should have taken that dark-haired, wicked-looking girl up on her offer, but he’d been too drunk and she’d rapidly switched gears from “take me home with you” to “I’ll blow you in the bathroom.” </p><p>It hadn’t been bad.</p><p>It wasn’t good either.</p><p>He squeezed his eyes shut as the room spun.</p><p>It felt like he’d blinked when he woke up to his phone vibrating in his pocket. He scrunched his face and fumbled at his jeans to pull it out. <i>Little shit</i> flashed across the screen.</p><p>"Fuck," he swiped at the screen a few times before it registered the action. "Mmyeah?"</p><p>"Tell me you weren’t a fucking idiot," Loki’s voice was clipped and acidic.</p><p>Well, that was fucking rude. He told him as much.</p><p>“Open your door,” Loki demanded. “Now.”</p><p>“No,” said Thor. “and fuck off, thanks."</p><p>He killed the call and rolled back over. The phone buzzed again almost instantly, somehow feeling more insistent. He ignored it. It rang again and he said something that came out sounding like “mmblergh” and threw the phone across the room. Seconds ticked by and then the door slammed open. </p><p>He sat up abruptly and the room swam into focus around the light that poured in from the hallway. Loki looked like a malevolent specter, towering in the doorway like a shadow.</p><p>Rage flared in the fog of his brain. “What the <i>fuck</i>!”</p><p>“Look at you, following orders for the first time ever,” Loki looked almost relieved to see him. Relief looked weird on him and it took Thor a beat to realize it wasn't a problem with his face, he was just used to seeing a perpetual stream of condescension and contempt.</p><p>“How the hell did you get in?” he asked, rubbing furiously at his eyes.</p><p>“A key, moron,” said Loki. “Get up. We have to go.”</p><p>Thor frowned. His hands sank into the bedding behind him as he leaned back and looked at his brother, squinting. “Why the fuck did you call if you had a key?”</p><p>Loki looked at him. “Because regardless of what people say about me, I’m not a barbarian.”</p><p>“That depends on who you ask, doesn’t it?” Thor tilted his head and it fell to the side a little more than he meant it to. </p><p>Loki ignored him. He looked harassed, even through the filter of Thor’s dulled senses, his dark hair was beginning to fluff around the edges and his eyes were a little frantic. </p><p>Thor stood suddenly, squinting at his brother to get a better look and swayed on the spot. </p><p>“Are you drunk?” asked Loki sharply. </p><p><i>Shit.</i> Thor felt his head snap to the side and suddenly he was looking at some very pretty crown molding that ran along the base of the room. It took him a second to understand that he’d been slapped.</p><p>“What the hell?” he rubbed his cheek where it stung. </p><p>"<i>Idiot!</i>" Loki hissed forcefully, his eyes blazing just inches from his own. "Is everything I say to you a joke? Do you <i>ever</i> stop to think that maybe my orders aren’t out of spite?”</p><p>“You could have fooled me,” Thor said grumpily. </p><p>“<i>You child!</i>” Loki caught his chin in an iron grip and pain lanced up the sides of his face. Green eyes searched Thor’s rapidly. “Christ, you’re plastered. Of course you are.”</p><p>“I was until you walked in,” Thor wrenched his jaw out of his brother’s grip, batting at him clumsily. “Congratulations, you’re a jackass and the world’s greatest buzzkill. Dad would be so proud.”</p><p>It was a cheap shot and he knew it. Loki’s face transformed in anger, twisting to the point that he was almost unrecognizable for the fury. Thor took an involuntary step back.</p><p>“You always were a selfish prick,” Loki said, his voice shaking. “You have always treated this job with such flagrant disregard, I should have you discharged.”</p><p>“Then do it already!” Thor shouted, rising to his full height.</p><p>Although he was only a couple inches taller than his brother, it made all the difference where it counted. He was breathing heavily, adrenaline coursing through his veins. What little was left of his drunken stupor evaporated, replaced with an anger to match the steam coming out of Loki’s ears. It was stupid to yell at him and he knew it—he could very well end up stranded in New San Francisco tonight, jobless and homeless. That was the thing about being a bit of a gambler, sometimes you had to go with your gut and his gut said that Loki wouldn’t follow through. Not now.</p><p>Silence passed between them and a smug smile threatened his lips. “You can’t do this without me, can you? You need me.”</p><p>Loki’s face slammed shut and he backed off, no longer angry just blank. It was like somebody flipped a switch.</p><p>"Oh we need you, alright,” Loki told him calmly. “As backup.”</p><p>This time Thor felt his face drop. “Wait, backup? I’m not <i>backup</i>.” </p><p>“Oh, but you are now,” Loki said neatly, reaching out to pat him on the cheek. Thor slapped his hand away. “Be grateful, brother dearest, I could be hanging your ass out to dry.”</p><p>“I can fucking do it,” Thor snapped. “You know I can.”</p><p>Loki looked at him skeptically. "No. Actually, you can’t," he threw a water bottle and Thor fumbled a little but managed to catch it. "Drink up."</p><p>Thor popped the cap off and chugged it in five seconds flat. Fortunately, he’d at least traveled light and most of his things were in a little duffel bag that was essentially packed. Loki zipped it up and threw it at him and left, not bothering to wait.</p><p>Thor grabbed a second water bottle from the fridge on the way out and drained it as he jogged to keep up with his brother's quick strides. He tried not to be sick as the movement jostled his stomach. </p><p>He didn’t know if Loki took the stairs out of necessity or the deep-seated need to punish him for insubordination but it felt like the latter as he struggled to keep up. Loki pushed the door to the roof open and his short hair whipped back as a helicopter touched down in front of them. It was loud as all hell. Thor brought his fingers up to plug his ears and hurried behind Loki’s proud shoulders to get in, climbing into the back as Loki slid into the front seat.</p><p>His brother’s stern, rapid fire chatter into his headset faded into the background as they lifted off and shot towards headquarters. It was just off the coast, but the trip seemed like it took forever when his stomach was churning the way it was and he was starting to feel like it had been a bad idea after all. Not that he would ever be telling that to Loki. Or anybody for that matter. He wondered if throwing up over the side of a helicopter would be as thrilling as it sounded funny. Mostly he just felt sick.</p><p>He heard his name drop from Loki’s lips and tuned in halfheartedly, only to lose interest two words in and turn to wallowing in his own misery instead. He was sobering up, that was for fucking sure, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t piloted drunk or worse before. Hell, he had been operating heavy machinery under the influence since before graduating basic, but it had never been a big deal because he was really, <i>really</i> good at it. Loki was overreacting like he always did. </p><p>The beat of the helicopter blades drummed a tattoo into his skull. By the time the powerful lights of the Shatterdome could be seen on the horizon his body was thrumming with anticipation. </p><p>Not far off from there was mass commotion, as if the ocean had decided to boil over on itself. If he didn't know better he would have assumed just that, except that he knew it only meant one thing: Kaiju. The blue glow from Jaeger arc reactors cast an odd sheen on the surface of the water, mixing with the much brighter, iridescent blue of the Kaiju's bioluminescent blood.</p><p>"How many Jaegers were deployed?" he shouted, pressing a palm against one ear of his headset.</p><p>"All of them, sir!" the pilot yelled back.</p><p>They had three Jaegers on hand, including his Lucky Thunder. Normally they deployed two per Kaiju thanks to Loki’s efficient command. Other Shatterdomes struggled with a four Jaeger team, but two under Loki’s command were more than enough firepower and skill to take a Kaiju down. To have deployed two of them and be calling for backup under his watch was unprecedented.</p><p>The helicopter lurched as they lowered down onto the platform at the base and Loki blurred into motion before they even touched down, ripping the headpiece from his ears and leaping out with all the fluid grace of a cat. Thor snatched his bag and followed with much less finesse, hurrying to catch up. The base was a flurry of movement as they approached. Almost instantly there was a shout and a young looking cadet came running up to them, breathless, his eyes a little wild but steady.</p><p>"Marshal Odinson. Thor." He saluted formally before falling into step as they made their way into the compound.</p><p>"Catch us up," Loki ordered, his voice calm.</p><p>"Combat clock puts us at forty-five minutes in," the cadet said with a furtive glance at Thor. "They’re holding their own, but they’re getting pounded. The armory is waiting to fit Thor and send him straight to drop."</p><p>So it seemed the Category VI decided to make an appearance.</p><p>Thor watched his brother take the information in and process it rapidly. He could see the gears shifting in Loki’s mind as he weighed their options. Thor wanted to fight. Badly. If his friends had been in combat for almost an hour it meant two things: 1) they were fiercely out of their depth, 2) Tony’s initial analysis of a Category VI Kaiju was woefully underestimated.</p><p>“Is that it?” Loki asked the cadet impatiently. </p><p>The cadet looked unsure. “Yes, sir?”</p><p>“Then why the hell are you still here?” </p><p>Loki sucked his teeth in displeasure as the cadet took off running down the hall. Thor moved to follow him towards the armory, but Loki halted him, his long fingers closing around Thor's bicep in an iron grip.</p><p>“Not you,” Loki growled.</p><p>Thor opened his mouth to protest but Loki shushed him and dragged him into a shadowed archway.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Thor hissed, shoving him off.</p><p>"Shut up," Loki ordered. </p><p>He was swearing continuously under his breath, his cold mask of authority slipping. Oddly these were the moments when Thor felt the most for his brother, maybe even remembered that he loved him. These days it was hard to understand how he had ever liked his brother let alone loved him, but there were moments when the Marshal fell away just enough to reveal the person he was underneath and that was when Thor was reminded of everything lost between them. It made him a little sad.</p><p>Loki reached into his inner breast pocket and pulled out a small bag of iridescent blue powder. Thor felt his eyebrows shoot up toward the sky as Loki pinched the bag open with deft fingers.</p><p>Loki caught his expression and rolled his eyes. “Oh please, like you’re a saint.” </p><p>Thor kept his mouth shut and allowed Loki to take his hand and scoop a sizable amount of it onto the pad of his pinky finger. </p><p>“Go on, then,” Loki said briskly, releasing him. “I have things to do too, you know.”</p><p>Thor ignored the dig and brought his hand up to his nostril. He pinched one side shut and sniffed hard and automatically ran a thumb along the edge to get rid of any remaining powder. Loki watched him do it and nodded stiffly, satisfied.</p><p>“It’ll kick in in about ten minutes,” Loki said in a low voice, sealing the bag and placing it back in his pocket. Thor followed him swiftly down to the end of the hallway. “Everything will get brighter and more vibrant. Once the trails hit, it’ll look like you’re in slow motion, but there’s no lag time so watch for that.”</p><p>“I know what it feels like, Loki,” Thor said impatiently.</p><p>“Not the kind I get,” Loki said, a tad smugly. </p><p>Thor thought he saw a glimpse of humor in his brother’s side eye but then he thought he must have imagined it.</p><p>Riding high on adrenaline and the glimpse of nostalgia, he reached out and grabbed a handful of Loki’s shirt before he could walk away and yanked him into a rough kiss, catching his bottom lip between his teeth and biting down hard. He smelled soap and aftershave. Loki made a noise of surprise against him but he was already letting go.</p><p>“See you on the other side?” he joked breathlessly.</p><p>Loki’s bottom lip was pink and his cheeks were flushed. He swayed, almost like he was chasing Thor’s lips but his glare could have turned cities to ash. </p><p>“Don’t fuck up,” was all he said.</p><p>They split off, Loki towards the bridge and him towards the armory, swirling in a cloud of self-doubt and confusion. On a normal day, he had no doubt that he and his brother would actively seek to kill one another if their situation didn’t prevent it, but then also this shit happened for reasons he didn’t care to explain. Mostly because he couldn’t.</p><p>It was cold and dismal in the armory. He stripped quickly down to his briefs and undershirt and slipped into a slick, insulated base-layer bodysuit. Techs milled around him in a mad rush to get him fitted. The suit had barely settled against his skin before hands were at his back, pushing him onto the armor stand.</p><p>The floor fell away around him and robotic arms surrounded him, carrying plates of armor and placing them along his body, cinching them together rapidly. He wiggled his toes as they finished up and spun away. The floor reassembled. He stepped forward and took his helmet. There was a hiss and a pop as it sealed with the rest of his armor.</p><p>That’s when the drug hit. </p><p>A rush swept through him from head to toe, almost knocking him over with the sheer force of it. His limbs tingled as it zipped through his veins, lighting him up and gripping his mind in an anxious, urgent energy. Pink and blue trails exploded in front of him, little tails dragging off the edges of his surroundings. </p><p>He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them again. </p><p>The colors faded away and his vision opened up and suddenly everything was sharp and clear. It was like he’d never quite seen the world in 3D before. <i>Christ.</i> </p><p>His final steps into Lucky’s head were sure and steady.</p><p>The inside of each head or “comm pod” was different. Thor had every scratch and every chip of paint memorized in here, from the number of steps it took to get to the cockpit to the little patch of welded pipe on the right wall. The console glowed a familiar dull yellow and washed the interior in more of the same. He could find his way around with his eyes closed. He knew which buttons on the console were worn from use and dirty, which ones were blank because the lettering had been rubbed off, and he knew the one on the lower right made a little clicking sound whenever he used it. </p><p>He had spent more time here than anywhere else in the past several years of his life. It was as close to home as he got now. </p><p>He flexed tingling fingers and stepped into the metal foot plates.</p>
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    <i>fig. 1: Jaeger, Mark-5 [Custom] // Lucky Thunder [pilot: Thor Odinson]</i>
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    <i>art by boltplumart</i>
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</div>Loki’s lip was swollen from where Thor had bitten down on it. He dragged the back of his wrist across his mouth where the ghost of pain still lingered, grounding him.<p>Being stressed out was just a part of being Loki Odinson and he was well aware of that fact. If only he could get rid of his brother, that stress would be reduced by at least half. It was a damned shame Thor was good at his job because Loki was at his breaking point with him and he would just as soon ship him back to New York and be done with it. But that was a hilarious pipe dream. If only his brother would follow orders and refrain from putting a hitch in things just <i>once</i> in his life; maybe then he could let out the breath he'd been holding for the past thirty years.</p><p>Highly unlikely.</p><p>He was almost to the edge of the hallway when he ducked to the side and pulled the little bag out of his breast pocket again. Normally he wouldn’t, but he could feel himself on the edge of a complete meltdown and it would have to do. Thor may be a phenomenal pilot, even by his standards, but he was prone to defiance and a massive liability in the field. </p><p>His fingers shook slightly as he opened the bag. He scooped up a healthy pile of powder and then used the face of his watch to check for residue before hastily returning the bag to his pocket. He breathed in the damp, salty air for a second, letting his head fall back against the cool metal of the archway as he waited for the rush to hit him. Anything to keep him from white-knuckling through it.</p><p>It was like a warm blanket over his fragmented mind. His hands stopped tingling and his thoughts faded into the background, their incessant screams for attention all at once quieted for now. He was back in control. Loki pushed away from the wall and took the stairs two at a time to get to the bridge, stepping on deck with hardly a sound. The door shut behind him with a slight squeak and a thud. The room was already buzzing with intense energy, more so than usual.</p><p>Somebody yelled, "Marshal Odinson on deck!"</p><p>It was a formality, just a heads up, but the entire deck paused to salute anyway.</p><p>It was a habitual reaction for them to salute whenever he was around. He’d made sure of it and he didn’t care whether it came from a place of respect or fear. Sometimes it annoyed him how well they were trained but he also felt a small sense of pride about it.</p><p>He made his way over to one of two main consoles that lit up the front of the room. Beyond them were big panes of glass that reached from floor to ceiling, giving them a wide overview of the loading dock where the Jaeger bodies were stored.</p><p>"Sir," Tony greeted him with a tilt of his head and a quick glance.</p><p>"Talk to me," Loki said, peering at the screen and reading the seismic activity charts as they climbed steadily.</p><p>"Well, they've been at it for way too long," Tony said, reaching up into the hologram and pulling a window to the front that showed a grainy video feed. Loki could just barely make out the sinister shimmer of a monster in the deep. "We thought we were unlucky with the first two Kaiju, but then Hela showed up."</p><p>"Hela?" Loki asked.</p><p>"Working alias for the Category VI," Tony pinched the window to collapse it and tossed it into a virtual trash can, spinning on his seat to face Loki. "And I was right, it can make rifts. Pretty much wherever it wants. Banner is collecting data on it as we speak and honestly it's a lot to take in."</p><p>"And you’re telling me two of my Jaegers can’t handle this?" asked Loki tersely.</p><p>He wasn’t convinced this new Kaiju was anything special for many reasons, but the source of the original report was a big one. The unit in Florida was frankly subpar and he’d never been impressed with their Marshal’s ability to handle even the smallest of issues with any grace. A papercut would overwhelm the man, let alone a Category VI Kaiju. It wasn’t surprising to him that they’d failed so miserably. His own team was a different matter completely.</p><p>“We’re holding our own out there, but it’s giving us a run for our money,” Tony’s lips were thin, his eyes uncharacteristically focused. "We wouldn't have needed backup with the two that showed up first, just your run-of-the-mill knifeheads, but this one is kicking our asses.”</p><p>He gestured to the main screen in the room. Loki watched critically as one of the Jaegers took a hit to the chest and was sent hurtling over the ocean surface. Across the room, sirens went off at Spine Drifter’s control station. </p><p>The other Jaeger was still standing and locked in a battle with another Kaiju, meaning they hadn’t even managed to take down a single Kaiju yet. Icy fear began to creep into his stomach.</p><p>“Well, what do you know,” he muttered under his breath. “A challenge.”</p><p>"Mmhm," Tony agreed grimly.</p><p>The station lit up as Thor's comm pod linked up.</p><p>"Hey, Tony, are you planning on dropping me or what?"</p><p>Loki felt a spike of irritation. He shoved Tony aside roughly, ignoring his cry of surprise, and typed in the code that would drop Lucky’s comm pod. Thor’s yelp of surprise made him feel slightly better. </p><p>“Whoops.”</p><p>“Have I ever told you you’re an asshole?” Thor griped, glaring up as he plummeted downward, looking comically tiny in the video feed. </p><p>Loki smiled sardonically at him. “My hand slipped.”</p><p>Thor flipped off the camera. Loki ignored him. His brother looked so small inside the giant Jaeger head, jostling against the restraints as he waited for the Jumphawks to attach and bring him to the drop point. It made him seem so...human.</p><p>Loki left Tony to rattle off routine checks and balances, walking to the front of the room and stopping just inches from the thick glass panes that separated him from the vast, gaping space of the hangar. He clasped his hands behind his back. It kept him from fidgeting. Lucky Thunder gleamed dangerously in the cold lighting, the triangular center of her chest lit up blue and pulsing.</p><p>She was a short-range Jaeger that reflected his brother in many ways. Thor was very much a brawler and if there was a fight he could always be found in the center of it. Naturally, Lucky could take a significant beating.</p><p>“Go for neural link.”</p><p>Loki could pick his brother’s voice out of any chatter. He moved back over to the console to loom over Tony’s shoulder as Thor linked up with the Jaeger, his gaze narrowing to a pinpoint. His brother looked calm and ready in the video feed, but Loki wasn’t convinced. Thor being drunk and high was nothing new, he wasn’t stupid, but he’d sensed something off about his brother’s performance lately. Something else. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it. </p><p>Of course he could just be seeing things where they weren’t, but he felt in his gut something was off and his instincts were very rarely wrong.</p><p>“Run calibration,” Tony said automatically.</p><p>Lucky mimed a few basic movements, massive, armored arms gliding through the space around it. </p><p>“Connection strong and holding,” Tony confirmed, his fingers flying over the holographic keyboard. </p><p>Loki glared through the web of data and beyond to where the bay doors opened to reveal the fight beyond. Lucky Thunder glittered in the lights of the waiting jumphawks.</p><p>He flexed a hand.</p>
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</div>Thor’s neck popped in three places exactly as he rolled his head back and forth, waiting for the integration to settle into his mind. He flexed his hands and felt Lucky respond in kind, heavy metal limbs moving fluidly and silently.<p>Spots of pink drifted across his vision occasionally, turning everything into a neon fever dream. The focus was so intense he almost didn’t feel like he was inside his own body but rather observing it. It felt like somebody had reached in and plucked all the extra static from his mind.</p><p>Above him the hum of the Jumphawks above was deafening, even through the hull and the padding of his helmet. A video flickered onto his HUD, streaming a bird’s eye view from the satellites that were stationed overhead of any conflict these days.  </p><p>He launched into his usual routine, scanning the available footage of the Kaiju to look for patterns and potential weaknesses. It felt like he was screaming through the information at an unreal pace, cataloguing it for the fight ahead. He heard a distinct <i>chink</i> of metal releasing above him and then he was falling. Lucky hit the water with a resounding thud and he rocked forward with the impact. Water surged around him, lapping up around his legs.</p><p>A soft chime told him he’d been linked with his teammates’ combat channels.</p><p>“This is Lucky Thunder, does anybody read me?” he said, pushing into motion against the sea.</p><p>Silence.</p><p>His left hand flew over the console and a targeting system flickered into view, sending out a ping to locate his teammates. Lucky’s HUD flickered and dimmed around him, engaging night vision. It flickered over his teammates, outlining them and lighting up green, searching in red for the Kaiju. </p><p>Spine Drifter stood dead ahead, motionless and drained of power, it’s systems dark. A large gash in the center of the chest cavity told Thor everything he needed to know about that. </p><p>He sighed expansively. Would there ever be a fight where he <i>didn’t</i> have to rescue Sam and Bucky? They wouldn’t be taken off guard so often if they would just stop bickering with each other. </p><p>“Sam? Bucky? How many fingers am I holding up?” he flipped them off experimentally.</p><p>Garbled static flooded the line almost immediately. He smiled. Still alive, then. </p><p>He dropped a pin on the map in red to mark their location for extraction and kept moving. A brilliant flash lit up the ocean, revealing the monolithic shadows of Kaiju inside the turbulent waves. There were two of them, one of which was very dead, floating dully in the water in a cloud of blue. The other shot away under the surface and disappeared from sight. Little pink trails drifted across his vision in its wake. He shook his head. </p><p>
  <i>Where were Val and Sif?</i>
</p><p>He heard it before he saw it, a rush of water and the resounding crash of organic material against metal. He whirled to the left and caught sight of them, a dark shadow rushing forward from nowhere as a massive Kaiju erupted from the water to meet them. </p><p>Thor didn’t have to guess to know this was the Category VI. It was staggeringly impressive. In the split second he had to process it he could see the same thick, armor plated body of all the other Kaiju but that was where the similarities stopped. The bioluminescence that all Kaiju had glowed a brilliant blue from multiple beady little eyes as they locked onto Widower with singular ferocity. Three wicked-looking tails lashed back and forth agitatedly behind it, spraying his visor with water. </p><p>Thor powered up his hammer and the crackle of ozone filled the air.</p><p>"Nice of you to join us!" Val’s voice crackled through the comm. </p><p>She grunted as they caught and yanked on one of the three tails as it whipped around. </p><p>"I thought you had it handled," Thor groused. “Incoming.” The hammer swung and propelled him the final distance between them.</p><p>Widower released the tail and took a step back just in time for the hammer to make contact. There was a resounding boom. </p><p>Hela snarled a deep guttural sound that he could feel through the ocean floor. Water surged around them and the Kaiju leapt away from him and the hammer, catching itself with all four sets of claws on Widower’s hull. </p><p>“Goddammit!” Sif swore. </p><p>Thor lunged forward to pull the creature off of them, but it was quick. Diamond hard claws scraped against metal as it whipped around and launched into the water with surprisingly agile movements. Darkness swallowed the hulking shadow.</p><p>Blood thundered in Thor’s ears.</p><p>“Status!” He called automatically.</p><p>“Banged up, but alright,” Sif said irritably. "It tore through our core cabling, we're having trouble moving."</p><p>The giant purple Jaeger struggled to take a few steps, jolting awkwardly. Sif launched into a stream of nonsensical abuse that would have made a sailor blush. </p><p>“Val, you alive?” Thor asked, eyeing her side of the Jaeger that had gotten the brunt of the damage.</p><p>“Piss off, your majesty,” Val panted.</p><p>Thor’s smile twitched at the nickname as he turned his attention back to the water, scanning it for movement as his HUD flickered frantically to find its target.</p><p>Tony’s warning blared through his headset at the same time his alarms shrieked, but he was too slow. Lucky lurched forward heavily as four thick limbs pummeled into him from behind. Metal screeched as claws dug into it for purchase.</p><p>Thor yelled, spinning instinctively as he reached for the console. His hand flew wide as Hela tore at the mech. <i>Fuck.</i> He screwed up his face and concentrated. </p><p><i>Almost...</i> </p><p>
  <i>YES!</i>
</p><p>He slammed the button and the heavy sound of machinery grated in his ears. Metal spikes drove upward from Lucky’s shoulders and Hela bellowed. A massive set of talons scraped across his visor. Thor reached both hands overhead and tore the Kaiju from his back and hurled it into the ocean with all his might. </p><p>Monstrous shapes flailed in the air, limbs and tails splayed frantically. It flipped just before it hit the water and skidded backwards, claws scrabbling at the ocean floor. It almost looked like it was playing more than anything, sinking back onto its haunches and rolling its head curiously.</p><p>Thor hurled Mjolnir after it, but it rolled to the side and the hit flew wide.</p><p>"Fuck!" </p><p>His fingers tingled as he threw his hand out to call Mjolnir back. It flew back into his grasp with a satisfying thud.</p><p>Without warning, a sharp pain seared through the back of his head and drove him to his knees. Everything went black.</p><p>
  <i>Oh no. Not now.</i>
</p><p>He squeezed his eyes hard until little red fuzzy dots swam against his lids, shook his head and felt his vision snap back into focus. Disoriented, it took him a minute to realize he had fallen forward and was hanging from the harness and staring at the ocean as it slapped at Lucky’s visor. </p><p>"Thor, what just happened?” </p><p>Was that a tinge of concern in his brother’s voice? His head pounded. He shoved himself upright again, wincing as pain receded into the base of his skull. He tried to quell the panic that threatened to choke him, taking a couple overly large breaths. It had never happened in battle before...</p><p>"I'm fine," he said a little shakily.</p><p>Hopefully the channel had enough static enough to hide it. Loki growled on the other side, clearly unconvinced.</p><p>"We’ll see about that. Get ready for extraction,” Loki’s voice was bitter cold. “I’m taking you out.”</p><p>“Uh yeah, not an option,” Tony’s voice chimed in worriedly. “Eyes up, big guy, I’m detecting movement around you."</p><p>Thor frowned and looked around quickly, but all he could see were the dormant shells of his teammates' Jaegers.</p><p>"Where?" He asked, surveying the water around him carefully.</p><p>"I can't quite—"</p><p>"Guys," he said worriedly, sensing something was off. "I'm flying blind here, give me something to work with."</p><p>"If you would shut up for half a second," Loki said and Thor could tell he was gritting his teeth. </p><p>He spun slowly in a circle, gripping the hammer tightly. Around him, the waves were getting bigger, almost high enough to break against his chest plates. Nausea built in the back of his throat. Either his hangover was setting in early or he was about to check out again. </p><p>"Nine 'o clock!" Tony barked suddenly. "Thor, your left!"</p><p>His reaction was slow and he rocked against his restraints as Hela sent him flying. He managed to throw a hand out to catch himself. Lightning crackled as he inadvertently sent a bolt flying wildly into the darkness. Hela watched it zip past, plated gills clicking and rattling around its thick neck.</p><p>Thor felt his stomach roil and gritted his teeth. </p><p>
  <i>Come on, ugly, don’t make me throw up in my helmet.</i>
</p><p>He dropped into a defensive crouch and powered Mjolnir up, a devilish plan forming in his head. He held the charge in it for as long as he could, extending his other hand and calling his short sword into play. It shot from his other palm with a cold ring of metal, clicking into place along the center and glinting beneath the moonlight.</p><p>"Thor—!" Loki warned. </p><p>Thor shut his comm off.</p><p>He pushed off the ocean floor, sprinting so fast he had to lean forward to compensate. Hela clicked rapidly, lowering onto all fours and wriggling in anticipation.</p><p>Thor feinted to the left and just as he was about to collide his foot shot out to the side and sent him in the opposite direction. Hela bellowed as he brought the hammer around and nailed her square in the eye, bringing the sword around to follow up as he rolled through the air.</p><p>Blue blood sprayed everywhere, across his visor and lighting up the water around them with a violent glow.</p><p>The Kaiju gave an unearthly screech and reeled away from him, bringing a massive limb up to claw at it’s ruined eye. Purple and orange erupted behind it as a portal split the sea floor and it disappeared into it with nightmarish speed, leaving them in darkness.</p><p>Thor fumbled for his helmet.</p>
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    <i>fig. 1: Kaiju, Category VI [HELA] // Class: pending</i>
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    <i>art by legumify</i>
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</div>The control room cheered when Thor landed the hit. Of course they did.<p>Loki felt no such joy as he watched the Kaiju crawl back into its hole, the rift snapping closed behind it. Frustration clawed at him from the inside, like an itch just out of reach. They needed to know more about this Kaiju before it was too late.</p><p>He let out a controlled breath and straightened from where he’d been leaning over Tony’s command station. He would have little red crescents in the palm of his hand when he got back to his quarters tonight, even though he kept his nails trimmed short and blunt.</p><p>"Cheers," Tony said in his ever-steady voice, glancing up.</p><p>Loki ignored him. He was already running the fight back on a loop in his head, trying to understand it and pick it apart. Obvious talents notwithstanding, Hela also fought differently than any other Kaiju they’d seen. Banner was in for some sleepless nights.</p><p>“Banner!” he rounded on his heel only to find his assistant instead. He looked like he’d just been slapped. “Newt? What are you doing here? Where the hell is Banner?”</p><p>“I—”</p><p>“Nevermind. Find him. I want a full analysis in my inbox first thing in the morning.”</p><p>“But—“</p><p>Loki leveled him with a look and watched with muted satisfaction as the scientist snapped his mouth shut and practically bolted from the room for the lab. He knew he was asking for an all-nighter, but nobody signed on to his unit without knowing what they were getting into. As it turned out, the end of the world required sacrifices. Who could have predicted it.</p><p>He switched gears. Thor’s performance today confirmed his suspicions that something was definitely wrong, and it wasn’t the drinking. Or at least it wasn’t only the drinking. He felt a little twinge of regret about it. It was something he’d been meaning to address, but avoiding it meant he got to put off dealing with Thor, which was always preferable. It didn’t help that his brother could take on a Kaiju in his sleep and walk out fifteen minutes later unscathed and victorious. It hadn’t exactly instilled a sense of urgency in the past. He would deal with that once and for all tomorrow.</p><p>“Captain Rogers!” He said, rounding on his heel.</p><p>Steve was probably the only person in the room who looked like he had just completed a guided meditation. Still, Loki could see the places where his expression was pinched around his eyes and mouth and wondered briefly what it must be like to have that kind of control when your husband was routinely out fighting aliens the size of Nevada. The man must be an absolute disaster inside. He filed that information away for later in case he needed it.</p><p>“Report,” he said.</p><p>“Extraction has been dispatched,” Steve responded promptly. “Waiting on your command.”</p><p>“Put them in bay three and alert Dr. Foster in medical,” he said. “She is going to have company.”</p><p>Steve nodded and Loki turned back to Tony’s station. The older man was coordinating repair crews. Each team would set to work as soon as the Jaegers got back, beginning a specialized rotating schedule that Tony had devised to keep their repair times short. </p><p>Loki glanced at the video feed that showed a glimpse of the Jaegers in various states of disarray being lifted out of the water and hauled back to base. There was substantial damage to each one and he had a feeling it was going to push the limits of what Tony’s teams could accomplish. He felt the beginning of a headache begin to settle in his temples.</p><p>The bridge emptied fairly quickly once the Jaegers began rolling in. Tony was the only one left at his station when Loki finally left. The engineer had an intense, crazed look in his eye that meant he was probably solving engineer kinds of things in his head faster than Loki could blink. It was always best to leave him to it.</p><p>He pinched the bridge of his nose and willed his headache to go away as the doors hissed open and shut around him. What sounded really nice was painkillers, a couple fingers of whiskey, and the blissfulness of bed, but somehow he found himself climbing the steps to Bay 3 instead. </p><p>He frowned down at his feet. Traitors. </p><p>Lucky was sliding into the docking station just as he reached the top step. He halted in the shadows to wait, the tips of his boots just barely nudging the edge of the light. Engineers and armory techs milled around the comm pod as it detached from the rest of the Jaeger and was hauled upward until it hung even with the deck.</p><p>Loki tasted blood and realized he’d been chewing his lip. He stopped. </p><p>The heavy locks on the Jaeger head released and the door slid aside to reveal the interior of the pod. Thor stumbled out looking distinctly sick, his helmet nowhere to be seen. Loki narrowed his eyes critically. So he <i>had</i> been having issues, which meant he’d been lying about them. If it were any other soldier he would have detained them in medical and left them under the stern, no-nonsense care of Dr. Foster, but Thor was different. He had to be smart about Thor. </p><p>He watched his brother’s face as he struggled to make his way towards the amory and for once wished Thor would notice him standing there in the shadows. Even doused in sweat and looking like hell Thor was objectively handsome with his broad, blunted features and striking blue eyes that were noticeable even beneath the deep hood of his brow. Loki almost missed being able to appreciate those things about him. </p><p>Thor’s gaze didn’t so much as shift to the side before he disappeared from view. </p><p>Loki stood there for another moment longer, rooted by the plague of thoughts swirling around his brain, the headache still pounding at his temples. He should have gone back to his quarters then, but he would never get to sleep with the tension that had collected along his neck and shoulders.</p><p>Unknown to most at the Shatterdome, there was a deck at the topmost level of the compound that overlooked the hangar that was rarely utilized by anyone. Shatterdome 082 had been among the first built and as such it had a lot of obsolete features like suspended decks that could move along a track at the tip-top of the ceiling. Loki had only been Marshal here for a year so far, but he spent a lot of time wandering the dome at hours that nobody else was up and had explored almost every inch of the place. There were a couple hidden areas he could go to be alone, but this was by far his favorite.</p><p>He made his way up the ultra-wide staircase and tried not to think about his brother; a valiant if unsuccessful effort. The air was cooler up here, closer to the vents and the large fans that spun above. The metal grate below his boots scraped as he walked over and brushed a thin layer of dust from the railing. It was cool to the touch as he leaned on it, taking the weight off his lower body as his legs decided to give up in protest of the many stairs he’d taken to get there. </p><p>He dug in his pocket for a joint and watched as the flame licked up around the thin edges and ate at them. A haze of smoke began to fill the still, salty air around him, floating in lazy curls as he looked out over the orange glow from the repair teams below. He felt his muscles begin to relax. At this level he could see out of the small, rectangular windows that dotted along the topmost level of the Shatterdome and into the void beyond where the ocean had calmed for the time being.</p><p>It wasn’t exactly a beachfront property, but if he managed to live long enough to see the end of the war he thought he’d seen quite enough of the ocean.</p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>+ Jaeger art and design by <a href="https://twitter.com/boltplumart">boltplumart</a>. Look at Lucky's badass self! I love that robot with my whole heart. </p><p>+ Bangin' kaiju design aka the Category VI kaiju aka Hela by <a href="https://www.instagram.com/legumify/?hl=en">my sister</a>, whom I begged to draw this for me bc well...see for yourself, she creates really cool monsters. She went out of her way to learn how to draw digitally for this piece and JUST LOOK AT IT.</p><p>+ Thanks so much for reading!</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this goes without saying, but don't take medical advice from fics. or sex advice. or any advice for that matter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit</strong>
</p>
<p>Thor woke up to something nudging the edge of his consciousness in the most annoying way possible.</p>
<p>“Loki, your alarm, for godssake,” he mumbled, rolling over and taking the pillow with him and pressing it against his ears.</p>
<p>It took him another minute to remember that Loki didn’t live with him and hadn’t for a very long time. He lay there and tried not to think about what that meant as his consciousness came around, bringing with it the hollow feeling that had lived in the base of his chest for the past several years. He groaned and rolled over, throwing an arm out. It passed through the holographic projection that hovered over his bedside table. The alarm stopped shrieking.</p>
<p>
  <i>Jesusmotherfuckingshit...</i>
</p>
<p>The hangover hit him all at once—nausea, pounding headache, and heavy, clumsy limbs that sank against the thin mattress. His mouth felt dry and his tongue was like cotton, sticking itself and the roof of his mouth and nearly making him gag. </p>
<p>He flopped a hand into the drawer that was always open by his bed, blindly rummaging around and hoping he’d magically happen upon the thing he needed. It was mostly full prescription bottles, of a lot of dead earbuds, and a glow-in-the-dark retainer he should have been wearing all this time. It definitely didn’t fit anymore.</p>
<p>He grabbed a fistful of the prescription bottles and lifted them up to squint at the labels, twisting his wrist awkwardly to read each one.  </p>
<p>Step one of all hangovers: take Zofran.</p>
<p>Step two: if you were too damn cheap to get the dissolvable tabs, do <i>not</i> try to dry swallow said Zofran.</p>
<p>He dropped all the bottles except one back into the drawer and twisted the cap off the remaining one with a deft movement of his thumb, tipping it back to coax two tiny pills into his mouth. They were small, but he was oddly terrible with pills and his mouth was so dry. He heaved himself out of bed and staggered over to the small kitchen. It consisted of a half fridge, a sink, and a microwave. The tap sputtered as he filled a new cup with water and gulped at it greedily. He forced himself to drink another two glasses until he was fit to burst and then stumbled back to his bed where he fell into it with a thud. </p>
<p>He slept for another couple hours before he was woken up again by somebody pounding at his door.</p>
<p>“Oi! Thor!” </p>
<p>Adrenaline shot through his system. He sat bolt upright, squinting frantically as his vision went in and out of focus.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until Val burst out laughing that he realized he’d opened the door in his briefs. She was his oldest friend and probably the most laid back on the force next to himself. If there was anybody who would get into trouble with you and still be sitting there to receive official reprimands, it was her. </p>
<p>“Shut up,” he told her wryly, his voice coming out in a dry rasp which only made her laugh harder.</p>
<p>He and Val attended the same high school and met in gym class where he suffered a crushing defeat against her in a pullup competition. They’d been friends ever since. These days Val could still outwork him in the gym and he knew better than to challenge her to anything, although he often did. In another life where they weren’t at war with aliens, Thor always thought she would have been a good fighter. She had the compact frame of a boxer and the attitude to match. </p>
<p>Val was still chortling, the white tattoos around her eye sockets crinkling with mirth. She had her hair pulled back into several severe braids today, they ran along her skull and connected at the nape of her neck where they continued in a single plait down her back. The hairstyles had gotten much more intricate since she and Sif started dating a month ago—or maybe it was two now. </p>
<p>“<i>Somebody</i> had to check on you when you didn’t show for breakfast this morning,” Val was saying, folding her arms. “I thought you might have died.”</p>
<p>“Aw, Val, I didn’t know you cared.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, don’t get a big head about it, I drew the short stick,” she said, shrugging muscular shoulders. “Although you do look kinda fucked up. You okay?” She squinted at him.</p>
<p>“Swell,” Thor rasped, smiling painfully for effect as a wave of nausea washed over him.</p>
<p>Val must have noticed because she took a cautious step back. “Whatever. You look like you could use some alone time with the toilet so you can recover from being—” she motioned vaguely at him. “Yeah, anyway, Sif’s running a session in an hour if you feel up to it.”</p>
<p>“With the cadets? No thanks.”</p>
<p>She snorted loudly.“Full offense, Thor, but you don’t look like you could keep up with them today.”</p>
<p>“Point taken,” Thor agreed glumly. </p>
<p>“Sleep it off, your majesty. I’ll tell Sif to expect you for afternoon sessions.” She wiggled her fingers in a wave. “Bye.” </p>
<p>She left him with a parting punch in the arm and her laugh trailed along after her and down the hallway. Thor shivered and shut the door, rubbing his shoulder where her knuckles had connected. Val showed affection by punching people, but the problem was she never pulled those punches and she punched hard. There was a reason everybody was a little scared of Val.</p>
<p>His stomach clenched, reminding him that he should eat something before things got really bad. A half-stale loaf of bread was still in one of his kitchen cabinets from last time he’d gone a little too hard. He poked an entire piece into his mouth and sat heavily at his desk. What he <i>could</i> do right now, what his brain wanted to do was agonize over what the hell happened in drift last night. It could potentially be blamed on the cocktail of garbage he had in his system at the time, but he’d been having lapses for much longer than that. The most logical thing to do would be to go to the med bay and let Jane shove q-tips down his throat and needles in his arms. But that almost definitely meant suspension until tests came back and they couldn’t afford to be down to two Jaegers, not now. </p>
<p>Anyway, he could address that problem in the <i>future</i>. Right now he needed to focus on sifting through the list of notifications that were glowing a cool, ambient red from the holoscreen on his desk. There were tons of them, a constant stream of garbage that he ignored most of the time, but Loki had convinced Tony to program his notifications to blink incessantly until he addressed them. </p>
<p>“It’s out of my hands, you brought this on yourself,” Tony said gleefully when he’d asked him about it.</p>
<p>He pushed another piece of stale bread into his mouth and chewed slowly, staring at the screen as reports and memos blinked back at him. Half of them were dumb shit from his brother which he deleted. Tony always CC’d him on the important stuff anyway. There was also a news summary that popped up in the bottom corner. </p>
<p>He swiped two fingers over it to enlarge and skimmed through the contents. Multiple kaiju attacks since the beginning of the week. The Philippines put down a group of three with the help of Australian units, Chile snagged victory over a twin set of leatherbacks. Thor flicked through it all idly, ending on a piece on seismic alerts in Russian territories. He frowned. That wasn’t spectacular news, those territories had been relatively dormant for some time now. He hoped they hadn’t gotten soft in their downtime. </p>
<p>It all seemed to pile up on him at once—the decline of the Jaeger program, billions of dollars of funding going into a wall project that wouldn’t work, the rise of a new Kaiju that could create its own rifts at will which made it impossible to track seismic activity. Not to mention it hadn’t been an easy fight. He knew he won the fight last night on sheer luck, and the worst of it was he felt like the Kaiju had been playing with him. What would it be like when it meant business?</p>
<p>He sat back and scrubbed at his face. It was hard to feel like they were making headway. People on the ground certainly seemed to think they were, but just because Kaiju rarely made landfall anymore didn’t mean that they were slowing down. In fact, things seemed to be speeding up at an alarming rate. </p>
<p>He shook his head vigorously and slapped his cheeks a couple times to drag himself out of that horrible train of thought. There wasn’t anything he could do about it except do his job and in order to do that he needed to wake the fuck up, dress himself, eat, and then work out.</p>
<p>With some effort he managed to get himself up and dressed before setting to the task of cleaning up the bathroom. He vaguely remembered coming back to his quarters and throwing up for a good portion of the night before falling asleep. He wasn’t exactly concerned about his own health as much as he was with hiding the evidence of it. Loki still had keys and Thor considered his brother the type who loved to stop by uninvited whether he was there or not (not that Thor ever locked his door, but that was beside the point). It wasn’t that Thor <i>wanted</i> him to have a key, he just hadn’t gotten around to asking him for it. </p>
<p>Better to be safe than ever give Loki a reason to make his life a living hell. </p>
<p>He scrubbed at the toilet. If anybody had bothered to ask, he might have said he hated the way he and Loki were now. He might have told them he didn’t want to fight and he was bitter about the fact that they couldn’t seem to have a conversation that didn’t end in blood. He was lonely and angry and a whole slew of other emotions he had yet to address. </p>
<p>But nobody ever asked. </p>
<p>And Thor never brought it up.</p>
<p>Some days he felt like he couldn’t breathe from the weight of it. Most days he just shouldered it because what else was there to do?</p>
<p>He tossed the clorox wipes in the trash and then took the entire trash bag and pitched it down the trash chute before he was confident putting it from his mind. </p>
<p>The time he spent mulling over terrible things meant that it was about time for lunch now and he was just starting to feel like he could stomach something other than stale bread. The mess hall was crowded when he got there. It looked like Volstagg had provided hot dogs today along with something that looked like it had once been salad. Thor passed over the limp, sad looking greens for the pallid paste that packed a good amount of nutrition in a couple spoonfuls. Not the best thing in the world, but it kept them in fighting shape. At least that’s what Volstagg said and it was always best to agree with Volstagg when it came to food.</p>
<p>He took an apple and bit into it, holding it there with his teeth to avoid putting it on his tray and letting it touch the other items on it, then turned to look for his friends in the sea of heads that filled the mess. Normally he could catch Sam or Steve around the same time, but he didn’t see either one of them today. He was about to sit down at a random table when Loki entered the hall.</p>
<p>Adrenaline shot through him unbidden. Without thinking, he hastily scooped the important food items into the provided disposable bowl and hustled it out of the hall, skirting around tables at the edges to avoid being picked out of the crowd. He wasn’t avoiding conflict, he was just...whatever, he was avoiding conflict. If there was anything he was not up to today it was a showdown with his brother while trying to eat. He took his downsized lunch up a couple levels and out onto the maintenance balcony that ran around the exterior of the shatterdome. Technically they weren’t supposed to be out here, but it was sunny and the sea was calm. </p>
<p>He stood there for a moment, reveling in the warm, bone-deep heat that sank into his skin and began to settle in his bones. Something about the heat made him feel like a whole new person. </p>
<p>“Thor!”</p>
<p>Thor turned and squinted against the sunlight until Steve materialized against the glare. His friend was sitting on the ground, legs outstretched and leaning his back against the warm metal of the Shatterdome. </p>
<p>“What the hell are you doing up here, breaking rules,” said Thor, bringing a hand up to shade his eyes.</p>
<p>“Who says I don’t break rules?” asked Steve, smiling. “Where else is a guy supposed to get a little peace and quiet around here?”</p>
<p>Steve had been in Thor’s life for several years now. They had been friends in passing at various stations until ending up stationed here together by random chance.</p>
<p>“Ugh, I feel like shit,” Thor told him, easing down beside him into a cross-legged position and balancing his food precariously on one knee. </p>
<p>“I bet,” said Steve. “I know everybody took a pounding yesterday but you <i>look</i> the part.” </p>
<p>“I might have been drunk,” Thor admitted guiltily. </p>
<p>“Thor—”</p>
<p>“And maybe high.”</p>
<p>Steve raised his brows fractionally, which was about as severe as he ever got. The Brooklyn native may have been big and broad, but it was the kind of big and broad that most people associated with golden retrievers. </p>
<p>“Well, that explains why you look like shit,” Steve said mildly.</p>
<p>“I told you I <i>feel</i> like shit,” growled Thor, flicking little bits of bland bread off his knee at the birds that were squabbling on the ledge below.</p>
<p>“Do you think maybe you should lay off the recreational fun for a bit?” Steve said, nudging him good-naturedly with his elbow.</p>
<p>It was meant to show gentle disapproval, Thor knew this, but it still stung a little even coming from somebody as well-meaning as Steve. Nobody had the right to judge him right now because nobody knew what he was going through. He hadn’t told anybody about the glitching because he wasn’t ready to, but also because he was scared of what it might mean if he did. </p>
<p>He tore another large piece of bread off the roll and hucked it out over the water, watching as the birds dove after it. </p>
<p>“I think I’m burnt out,” he said eventually. </p>
<p>Steve looked at him. It wasn’t a lie, exactly, and it was close enough to the truth that he wouldn’t burst from keeping it all packed up in his chest like he’d been doing thus far. </p>
<p>“Mm,” Steve hummed. “Makes sense. Have you talked to Jane about it?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>He felt Steve hesitate. “Did you talk to your brother?”</p>
<p>“Loki?” Thor laughed hollowly. “That little bastard is probably trying to find ways to poison me as we speak, why the hell would I go to <i>Loki</i>?” </p>
<p>“It was just a question,” Steve said, holding his hands up in defense. “I’m sure that’s not true though.”</p>
<p>Thor looked at him in amusement. Steve was a good person and genuinely tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, but Thor knew he trusted Lok about as much as he trusted Tony, which was not at all. He was just being nice.</p>
<p>“You’re a terrible liar,” he said pointedly. “But thanks. I’ll get through it, I just needed to bitch to somebody.”</p>
<p>“Do I hear whining?”</p>
<p>Thor looked over, shading his eyes to see Sam’s curious head poking out of the entrance he’d used earlier. He frowned at his friend.</p>
<p>“There you are, I was looking for you in the mess hall,” he said. “I didn’t see you.”</p>
<p>“That’s because I was hiding,” said Sam, clambering up to join them. “You’re not the only one who ducks for cover when the Marshal shows up, you know.”</p>
<p>“I do <i>not</i> hide from my brother,” said Thor, bristling. </p>
<p>“Yeah, you do,” said Sam. “And look, I’m not trying to pass judgment, I’m just saying everybody hides from your brother.” Then he frowned a bit and said, “Well, no, that’s not true. Tony doesn’t hide from him, but that’s because Tony is crazy.”</p>
<p>Even Steve stifled a laugh at that and Thor couldn’t help that his lips twitched a bit. He could always count on Sam to be straightforward. He had known Sam for less total years than Steve, but unlike with Steve, he and Sam had pretty much rotated through the same stations together. </p>
<p>“So, what are we whining about today?” Sam asked, dropping down with a thud and helping himself immediately to Thor’s abandoned food. </p>
<p>“Thor’s burned out,” Steve answered. </p>
<p>Thor elbowed him and got a cheeky grin in return. </p>
<p>“Ah, so that explains why you showed up an hour late last night,” Sam teased. </p>
<p>“Listen, you know I love to help, but things are busy as the world’s most famous Jaeger pilot,” Thor said, cocking his head and eyeing Sam slyly. “I’m sure if you worked a little harder you might get invited to be on Fandral’s show, too.”</p>
<p>That earned him exasperated groans from both of them and set them into a comfortable rhythm for the rest of their lunch. Sam happily mowed down the food Thor had abandoned earlier in addition to his own and Steve took his bread and steadily flung small pieces at the birds. They cheered every time a gull caught a piece in midair. It helped ease the anxiousness that had been building since waking up.</p>
<p>“Alright,” Sam said after a while, looking at a large, multi-dial watch on his wrist. “I’m headed for a nap before we get our ass kicked by Sif. I’ll see you losers later.” </p>
<p>“Speaking of naps, I know somebody who is in dire need of one,” Steve said, shooting Thor a look. </p>
<p>Thor avoided his eyes purposefully. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”</p>
<p>“You should also probably finish your food once in a while.”</p>
<p>“Okay, mom.”</p>
<p>“While you’re at it, you might as well eat some vegetables, too. How else do you expect to get big and strong like me?” </p>
<p>Thor barked a laugh as Steve flexed, “Please, I could break you with one hand.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure? Because I thought you missed a morning workout with the cadets today on account of you being <i>tired.</i>”</p>
<p>Thor aimed a swift kick in his direction. “Val is such a snitch!”</p>
<p>“I’ll see you there,” Steve winked. “Can’t wait to outlift you.”</p>
<p>“You guys are so stupid,” Sam said, shaking his head.</p>
<p>Thor was still smiling after they left.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>The gym ended up sounding like a good idea in the end. He was used to hiding things like hangovers and bloody noses so he couldn’t exactly use them as an excuse and he would go crazy if he didn’t get some kind of exercise today. Living in a compound left a lot to be desired.<p>It was busy when he got there. The older crew tended to take over in the afternoons because mornings and cadets were exhausting. He wove his way into the weight room to find the other pilots and Steve already congregated there. </p>
<p>“Well, well, look who decided to show up,” Bucky drawled as he approached. </p>
<p>Bucky had shoulder-length brown hair that was pulled into a bun on the top of his head to keep it out of the way. It was poorly done though, so most of it had fallen out and now hung defiantly into his face, curling in the humidity. He was one of the few people in this Shatterdome—possibly the world—who was close with Loki. Thor never quite knew what to make of that particular aspect of him, but seeing him lying there grinning like a maniac from where he was finishing a set on the bench press, it made sense.</p>
<p>He tilted his head and said, “Why don’t you quit playing around and put some real weight on there?” </p>
<p>Bucky racked the bar with a loud clang and sat up. “What did you just say to me? Don’t challenge me, fancy pants, I’m just getting started,” he grinned breathlessly. </p>
<p>Thor hurled his towel at him. Bucky’s metal arm flashed, lightning quick to snatch it out of the air. He balled it up and threw it back.</p>
<p>“Steve, your husband is flirting with Thor again,” Val grunted between pullups on the machine over.</p>
<p>Steve didn’t look up, unconcerned. “Everybody flirts with Thor, but if you ever saw Buck flirt you’d know that’s not it.”</p>
<p>Bucky winked at his husband who smiled. Sif chose that moment to emerge from the women’s locker room, long, lean, and positively incandescent with irritation.</p>
<p>“When one of you idiots pulls a hamstring because you stand around like morons instead of warming up, you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself,” she said.</p>
<p>“You do realize it’s a thousand degrees in here, right?” asked Sam from where he sat, already locked into a stationary bike.</p>
<p>Sif gave him a sardonic look and continued. “Workout is on the board as usual. If I turn around and you’re not at a station, you owe me an extra round.”</p>
<p>“Of what?” Sam asked.</p>
<p>Sif made a circular motion in the air as she walked. “Everything.”</p>
<p>There was a collective groan as they all scrambled for equipment and Thor swore he could hear Sif’s evil grin. Sif had been a drill sergeant before transferring into the pilot program and it showed. It was no wonder she and Val worked so well. She leaned over the front desk to turn up the music and heavy bass thumped through the metal walls. </p>
<p>Thor strapped his feet into a rower and turned on the monitor, grabbing the handlebar just in time. </p>
<p>Sif clapped her hands walking back onto the floor. “Let’s get to work, assholes!” </p>
<p>The workout was rough. </p>
<p>He could honestly say he would have more fun getting stabbed multiple times between the ribs with dull, white-hot spoons. Sif paid extra attention to him today, checking in more often than she normally did. She could tell he was hurting, but she was the kind of infuriating coach that knew how much he could take without pushing him overboard. </p>
<p>After that they did some pilot-on-pilot sparring exercises. Loki had implemented them as a requirement a couple months ago to maintain compatibility and strength between pilot pairs. From any other Marshal it would have been a logical addition, but because it was Loki and because Thor was the only one who wouldn’t particularly benefit from the exercises, it felt personal. He tried to focus on his form as he ran drills by himself at the end of the line.</p>
<p>It was late afternoon by the time they finished up. He and Sam hustled through the showers, racing to see who could be done first and get back into the locker rooms before Bucky managed to detach his arm and drag Steve into the nearest open shower. </p>
<p>“Horny bastards,” said Sam, shaking his head as they passed in the locker room, Steve somehow only wearing a towel around his waist. </p>
<p>Thor pulled a fresh shirt over his head and slicked his wet hair out of his face. “Marital bliss?”</p>
<p>There was a loud thump from the showers that promptly chased them out of the rooms before they were subjected to worse. The air outside the gym was blessedly less humid. Thor massaged his shoulder as he strolled along the hallway.</p>
<p>“Did you see the report on Siberia this morning?” Sam asked, falling into step with him. “Poor bastards.”</p>
<p>Thor grunted in agreement. “If they still have a defense unit that’s operational I will be surprised.”</p>
<p>The most recent seismic activity reports suggested Siberian forces would be under attack in less than forty-eight hours, but having been dormant for a long time they had dispatched some of their units to more active territories. Forty-eight hours would barely give them enough time to gather their own reinforcements. Thor could only hope their remaining pilots had been training hard.</p>
<p>“I guess we’ll find out,” Sam said grimly.</p>
<p>Thor hummed in response as the hallway opened up to a much larger space around them. He breathed in deeply, enjoying the cooler, salty air that filtered in from large overhead vents at the top of the vaulted ceilings. Little dust particles swirled lazily in the sunlight that streamed in from windows.</p>
<p>Heavy thumps of flesh on flesh and wooden practice staffs echoed through the metal hallway. Thor knew the sound all too well. All soldiers did. They slowed as they approached, their heavy boots making muted thumps along the floor as the hallway opened up into the training area. It was a large open space lined with mats for skirmishes where cadets trained in martial arts and weaponry. It was where Loki ran the Jaeger pilot program during the week.</p>
<p>Training to be in a Jaeger was a lot like learning to use a weapon in that it was an extension of the self. It was Loki’s complete overhaul of the training curriculum that caused the program to excel; cadets trained three times as hard but they were also three times more proficient. They started with hand arts and then graduated to weaponry which eventually took them into the cockpit, making the transition nearly seamless. The better you were on the mat, the better you were in the field.</p>
<p>Thor stopped to watch as a group moved through the usual exercises, traveling through each form with sharp, unified grace. Loki’s voice echoed around them, even though he was hardly speaking above his usual volume.</p>
<p>“He looks like he’s in a mood.” Sam commented beside him.</p>
<p>“When is he not?” Thor muttered.</p>
<p>His brother was standing along the part of the wall that gave him the best vantage point of the class, lounging rigidly in a space that hadn’t been overtaken with wooden practice staffs. He managed to look bored and critical at the same time. A strange lightness that didn’t quite feel like nausea settled in Thor’s stomach at the sight of him. </p>
<p>Loki’s voice floated lazily over the thick air as he called for the class to freeze in place and then pushed off the wall to prowl through the lines of motionless cadets, checking stances and technique with a little bamboo stick, cracking it against shins and knees and shoulders. Thor knew he was looking for weakness in a stance, bad balance or lazy foot placement. </p>
<p>One of the cadets, a cocky looking kid with a jutting jaw, decided to say something. Thor knew the content of it, even though he couldn’t hear the words. He’d said similar things when he was in training, but all the same he and Sam drew a sharp inhale as soon as the cadet opened his mouth. Loki was on him in an instant, sweeping his feet out from under him and catching him in the chest with the end of the bamboo stick. There were few more humiliating things than getting your shit rocked by a six-foot-tall, sour-looking man with a stick. The boy got up, bright red and furious, but when Loki checked his stance again he was rock solid. </p>
<p>Thor tracked his brother’s movements automatically, drawn to the sharp lines that made up his lithe physique. He was one of those people who could eat anything he wanted and look like an athlete. People often mistook his slightness for weakness, but Thor had learned early on that his brother was all steel. </p>
<p>Sam cleared his throat, bringing him back to the present. </p>
<p>“So...have you guys talked—?”</p>
<p>Thor cut him off quickly, shaking his head. “No.”</p>
<p>“Well, if you need to bounce ideas or lose your mind to somebody other than a steel wall, you know where to find me,” Sam said kindly.  </p>
<p>Thor tore his eyes from his brother to give Sam a small smile and a nod, trying to pretend like it wasn’t suddenly hard to breathe. He appreciated Sam’s (and everybody else’s) constant efforts to talk to him, he really did, but he wasn’t ready to talk about his brother. He wasn’t sure he knew how.</p>
<p>“I’ll save you one of the good rolls from dinner,” Sam said by way of parting.</p>
<p>He left and Thor suddenly felt morose again. He pushed his hands into his pockets and dropped onto a bench that was tucked away in the shadows to watch the class a little longer. He didn’t get into the training room as often as he should have and he did miss it. He tended to avoid it these days for obvious reasons.</p>
<p>He let his eyes flicker over his brother, safe in the shadows where nobody could see him look and see the softness he knew still lay just beneath the bitter surface. </p>
<p>Loki was barefoot, looking oddly delicate and out of place without the structured lines of his uniform. Instead he was wearing a light, silky, training uniform that clung to the long lines of his physique in a way that almost made Thor uncomfortable. </p>
<p>He took a swig from his water bottle and let his eyes catch the movement of a lock of hair that fell free from its place and swept along his brother’s brow. It reminded him strongly of the years before everything happened and the days when Loki had let his hair grow long enough to brush the tops of his shoulders. Thor had teased him about it endlessly—especially when he twisted it into a bun to keep it out of his face—but he had always loved the look and often encouraged it.</p>
<p>His heart beat a little faster, remembering those days and how his fingers would twine in the silky curls and pull them tight as he came with Loki's name on his breath. Or later, when Thor's fingers would card through Loki's hair as they drifted off to sleep. His lips twisted in a vicious smile at the memories. It had been a long time since things had been so simple, or indeed since his brother had shown even a glimpse of the person he had once been. At any rate, Loki kept his hair cropped somewhat short these days, which only served to make him more intense.</p>
<p>Across the room, Loki picked up a training staff and motioned one of the students to come to the middle of the floor. Thor leaned forward, intrigued. He almost never passed the training area during class times and he didn’t realize Loki joined the practice. He forgot how good Loki was on the mat. He had extensive training in the forms, of course, as everybody did, but Loki brought something else to it. The staff wasn't a weapon in his hands, it was part of him, and when paired with his precision and dexterity...well, nobody could match him. He was, simply put, art. In Thor’s opinion, he always had been.</p>
<p>The cadet certainly threw his heart into the fight, but Loki might have been asleep for all the effort he exerted. It was barely a couple of seconds before he had the kid flat on his back, wheezing.</p>
<p>“Sloppy,” Loki said, standing over him lazily like a panther over his prey. “You’ve been here for too long to have such an appalling lack of control. Get up.”</p>
<p>When the boy didn’t immediately move, Loki jabbed him lightly with the butt of his staff. </p>
<p>“Your ego is bruised, not your bones,” he snapped. “Move.”</p>
<p>Thor snorted as the boy scrambled to the side, but there was no malice behind it. He'd been on the receiving end of Loki's disapproval more times than he cared to count, he knew what it felt like and he knew exactly how deep Loki's criticism could cut. For once it was nice not to be the target.</p>
<p>Loki motioned to the next student.</p>
<p>It went much the same. Loki took him in three moves and the kid ended up flat on the mat, red faced and panting with the staff hovering above him. He joined his defeated classmate on the sidelines. The third cadet was good and Thor could tell Loki was letting him work a little before he got bored and ended things in a single fluid movement, which was to scoop him up with the staff and throw him. It was showy and did precisely what Thor imagined Loki intended, which was to make him mad. </p>
<p>Sure enough, the cadet’s face turned scarlet. “Fuck you!”</p>
<p>“Absolutely not,” Loki said without missing a beat. “Fifty pushups from you. <i>Now.</i>”</p>
<p>The boy hesitated. </p>
<p>“Did I stutter, cadet?” asked Loki, dangerously calm. “Or do I need to repeat myself?”</p>
<p>The boy took a swing and Thor winced. Loki was ready for it and disarmed him in the space of a breath and shoved him in the chest with the flat of his palm. It wasn’t a particularly hard strike, but the boy flew backward several feet, landing against the wall.</p>
<p>“Embarrassing,” Loki said coolly. “And unacceptable. You have fifteen minutes to gather your <i>shit</i> before I feed you to the next Kaiju that decides to show up on our doorstep.”</p>
<p>It was all the dismissal anybody ever got; Loki didn’t give second chances. The rest of the crew was dismissed and they hurried to leave the room, desperate not to be the last one standing in the room with the Marshal. And then it was just Loki alone on the mats.</p>
<p>Thor stood to leave, forgetting he had been hiding in the shadows thus far. Loki caught him immediately, his delicate chin tilting up, sharp eyes hardening. </p>
<p>It should have been a sign to leave him alone, but Thor was sick of this stupid thing they did where they only talked to each other if they had to. Loki was the kind of person who dug his heels in when it came to conflict, Thor suspected he held the world record for longest grudge ever, complete with the silent treatment. He was so good at silent treatment that, if so inclined, he could have an entire conversation and Thor would only realize later that absolutely nothing had been said.</p>
<p>Thor had never been good with silence.</p>
<p>He knew Loki was pretending to ignore him as he approached, his back turned and his hands busy with his things. All lies. He could see the curious tilt of his brother’s head and it was as good an invitation as he got these days.</p>
<p>He opened his mouth. </p>
<p>“You’re wearing shoes on my floor,” Loki said before he could say anything. He pivoted around, a jacket over his arm and a water bottle in his hand. “If you have something to say, say it, or get off my fucking floor.”</p>
<p>“Are you alright?” Thor asked. It wasn’t at all what he wanted to say, but it was what came out of his mouth. </p>
<p>Loki snorted and walked away off the mat. “You came all this way to ask if I was alright?”</p>
<p>Thor made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and followed him, hurrying to catch up with Loki's long, fluid strides. Every time he tried, either conscious or unconscious attempts to make things right, he got slapped down. The least Loki could do was meet him halfway. </p>
<p>“It was just a question,” Thor said, running his hands up his face and through his hair in frustration. “Is it so hard to believe? That I might <i>possibly</i> care about you?” </p>
<p>Loki’s lip curled delicately. “How flattering. What do you want?”</p>
<p>Thor stared at him. They weren’t three sentences into the conversation and it was already begging to be a fight.</p>
<p>“Well, I was hoping to talk to you,” he growled. “But that seems like a stretch now.”</p>
<p>Loki glanced at him dutifully. “Yes, well, it always was with you.”</p>
<p>Thor bit his tongue as they passed a group of people in the hall. When they turned the corner out of sight he grabbed his brother’s arm and slammed him against the wall. </p>
<p>“Look at me!”</p>
<p>For once, Loki didn’t fight him, his slanted eyes gave away nothing as he met Thor’s gaze. Guarded. Suspicious. But before Thor could say anything he felt something cold drip from his nose. It didn’t register that his nose was bleeding until Loki’s expression morphed into the only thing Thor ever saw from him anymore. </p>
<p>“I knew it,” Loki hissed triumphantly.</p>
<p>Thor released him like he’d been burned. The next drop of blood landed in his cupped hand and spread along the lines of his palm. Panic flooded his veins.</p>
<p>“Shut up,” he snapped. “It’s just a nosebleed. Not uncommon, by the way, for somebody who just <i>inhaled half a bag of stimulants!</i> Thanks for that, by the way, I feel awful.”</p>
<p>“Then die next time, I don’t care,” Loki shrugged. “And for your information, nosebleeds are a side effect for chronic users, not one-time chumps like you.”</p>
<p>“And how would you know?” Thor scoffed. </p>
<p>“Please.” Loki raised a brow, managing to make Thor feel inadequate with a single movement.</p>
<p>“You know I could report you for that.”</p>
<p>“You could,” said Loki, bemused. “You could report me for any number of things you dream up in that thick skull of yours, but it will do nothing.”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah?” Thor asked.</p>
<p>Loki sighed and looked at him as though he were a very small, very stupid child. “Yes, Thor. Because in a fight against the system, even you know I will win. Every time.”</p>
<p>Thor gritted his teeth. It was true. Loki knew the system inside and out, he knew all the key players and all the loopholes to all their policies. Thor would be woefully unmatched if he tried to score points against him there. </p>
<p>“You know what nosebleeds are also a symptom of?” Loki said, casually threatening. “Drift malfunction. I am curious, how long were you going to continue lying to me about that? Don’t think I didn’t notice.”</p>
<p>Thor felt his cheeks heat, “I am not glitching.”</p>
<p>“Aren’t you, though?” Loki’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully as he frowned. “If I recall correctly, ignoring symptoms like that puts you at risk for brain hemorrhage, blindness, various forms of neurological damage,” He ticked each one of these things off on long, spidery fingers, dismissing each one of Thor’s greatest fears with the air of a bored secretary. “I think the least of those risks would be the inability to maintain a drift with or without a partner,” his eyes slid over Thor disparagingly. “And what would you be without a Jaeger?”</p>
<p>Thor flexed a hand. "Shut up."</p>
<p>Loki gave him an infuriating smile. “I thought you wanted to talk.”</p>
<p>It was amazing how Loki escaped the number of beatings he genuinely asked for. Thor should have just lit him up whenever he pissed him off, but as he had just witnessed, Loki was a slippery fighter in politics <i>and</i> in the ring. He had the upper hand in almost everything.</p>
<p>They came to a halt at the small two step that led into Loki’s quarters. His face felt hot. He knew he was overreacting to a stupid conversation. He <i>knew</i>, but he was tired. Tired of trying, tired of Loki always being ahead of him, cutting him to the quick with his sarcasm and disinterest. He deflated, the anger dissipating as quickly as it came.</p>
<p>“Loki, what happened to us?” he asked in a low voice.</p>
<p>Loki regarded him icily, “you know damn well what happened, Thor. You left me.”</p>
<p>“We’ve been through this—”</p>
<p>“No, Thor, you have,” Loki sighed tiredly. “You’ve processed your decisions and convinced yourself you’re in the right because all’s fair in love and war, and frankly, I don’t have time to be your punching bag whenever you feel guilty. You seem to have forgotten, but I have a real war to win. The lives we protect here take precedence over your pity party.”</p>
<p>“Loki—</p>
<p>“If you have an issue regarding your station, <i>brother</i>, you can submit a request and I will address it when I have the time,” said Loki. “Otherwise, keep your personal issues to yourself. They no longer concern me.”</p>
<p>Rage reignited in his veins like it had never left. Thor could feel his body shaking as he clenched his fists so hard his bones ached. He wanted to hurt his brother. Badly. Not because he wanted to hurt him physically, but because Loki only knew how to be truthful when he was out of options and he was only ever out of options when he was hurting.</p>
<p>“You know I would have burned the world down for you,” Thor snapped at him as he turned his back. Loki froze. “There was a time I would have done damned near anything for you, and you know it. And you know what sometimes I think I still would, but it wouldn’t be for you anymore. I think now it would be because of you.”</p>
<p>He saw his brother’s shoulders flinch and felt a vicious kind of triumph. The last time he could remember being this honest was a day buried deeply in their past, but one Thor always recalled with uncomfortable clarity. Loki had hurled a knife at him in their father’s kitchen and screamed at him to get out. Loki missed that day. Thor didn’t.</p>
<p>When his brother turned around, he didn’t look hurt, he didn’t even look sad. He looked pale and haggard, like somebody had burned a painting he kept locked away in an attic somewhere and he was just beginning to feel the effects. He looked like death.</p>
<p>“Either way, we’re both burning,” he hissed.</p>
<p>Thor stared at his door long after it slammed in his face.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>+ no more art until the end, friends, we are about to deep dive into this story now. </p>
<p>+ as always, thank you sososososo much for reading and commenting! i realize it is a commitment and a risk to follow a WIP, even if it is allegedly "finished." i recognize and appreciate each and every single one of you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>talking sucks. talking about feelings sucks worse.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit</strong>
</p>
<p>Loki couldn’t shut the door fast enough. He felt his wrist tweak as he twisted the lock a little too viciously. </p>
<p>“Fuck!” he bit out, trying and failing to keep his voice down. </p>
<p>The walls were thick, but they weren’t entirely soundproof. </p>
<p>He leaned back against the door, letting his head fall back against the metal with a dull thud. Regret burned at him. The whole point of talking to his brother about the drifting issue was to get him evaluated by Dr. Foster. Instead, he had picked a fight and watched Thor take the bait, as he knew he would. Nobody in the world riled him like Thor did and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep calm around him. Every time he saw him out of the corner of his eye was like a jolt of electricity, a shock to his fight-or-flight response. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, counting to three and breathing hard through his nose. Then, with some effort he walked calmly to the kitchen to set his water bottle in the sink and hang his jacket up. </p>
<p>He had a meeting in half an hour, he didn’t have time to dwell on Thor’s attempt to get a rise out of him. He didn’t have time to play therapist and he was no longer Thor’s responsibility, if he ever had been to begin with. Everything he was today came from his own drive and determination, none of it had been Thor’s, not a single second of it. He’d risen to the top of his field, he presided over his own Shatterdome, he was the youngest Marshal the Corps had ever seen. So why did he still feel so desperate for approval? He <i>outranked</i> Thor, for christ’s sake. </p>
<p>It was all fucked. All of it, truly fucked.</p>
<p>He kicked off his shoes and lay back on his bed to stare at the ceiling, making soft circles with his wrist and trying to focus on the disappointingly mild pain. If only it hurt worse, maybe he could give it his full attention and forget the fact that Thor’s words had actually gotten to him.</p>
<p>He spent an unknown amount of time there, wallowing in the embers of his anger, waiting for his pulse to calm back down to acceptable levels. There was a point in time when he would have cried about it; he would have screamed into his pillow at night until he couldn’t breathe. But it didn’t pay to have a thin skin in war so he very carefully tucked the anger away to be dealt with later.</p>
<p>The display against his wall chimed as a schedule reminder popped up, reminding him his meeting was in fifteen minutes. He waved it away and closed his eyes, resting his arm across his face and wishing he could just vanish into thin air. Just for a little bit, to recuperate and exist in space that wasn’t occupied by people he wanted to stab, which, to be fair, was everybody.</p>
<p>Ten minutes later he exited his quarters in uniform. Crew and pilots alike scrambled out of his way as he stalked the halls towards the conference rooms. It was fine, he knew what he looked like and in his present mood he couldn’t be sure how he would react to the slightest inconvenience and it was best for everybody if he didn’t find out. </p>
<p>The conference room they were using today was actually a repurposed storage room that had been converted some years before he was Marshal. It was a cold room, dark by both nature and necessity, as most of the meetings took place with a majority of the participants holoprojecting in. The table was plain and in the shape of a large oval, with armless chairs situated in front of fixed holoscreens that doubled as projectors for absent parties. </p>
<p>Tony was already there, lounging with the seat back pushed back as far as it would allow and swiveling back and forth, his foot on the edge of the table. Steve was situated next to him, the bulk of his shoulders somehow taking up more space than should be allowed for a single human being. That was going to make him feel claustrophobic.</p>
<p>“Rogers, move,” he snapped. </p>
<p>Steve looked up, confused, “What?”</p>
<p>“Nevermind,” Loki huffed and slid his briefing packet down the table and moved a couple seats over. </p>
<p>He didn’t need to look at Steve to know he was staring at him like he’d split into two bodies in front of him. He ignored it. Explaining himself was the last thing he was doing today. </p>
<p>“Loki, long time, no see,” Tony waved coyly from where he sat, unperturbed.</p>
<p>Loki scowled and readjusted his uniform on his shoulders and brought up his holoscreen with a quick flick of his fingers. Eight of the other seats began to shimmer and fill with eerie blue holograms of other Marshals around the world. Across the way was Heimdall, who ran Shatterdome 002 off the coast of Mexico. He looked extra intimidating as a ghost, his intense features and odd eyes somehow amplified in a holograph. In Loki’s very selective opinion, he was one of the greatest military leaders they had.</p>
<p>Next to him sat Marshal Carol Danvers and aside from Heimdall, she might have been the only one left that he had any respect for. She didn’t fuck around, her command was airtight, and her compound had only lost one asset in the past year when the average was three. Loki would kill to have somebody with even half her credentials on his team. Coincidentally, she had also been his first mentor before he became a Marshal.</p>
<p>The rest of the chairs filled with people Loki did not care to acknowledge, but he did spare a hateful look for Marshal Quill.</p>
<p>He fiddled with the screen in front of him and flicked his fingers wide to expand his data, tossing it up into the center of the room. It floated above the surface, projected by sensors that ran along the rim of the table.</p>
<p>“Let’s make this quick, shall we?” He said with a twist of his wrist, trying to get his head back in the right place and remember what they were there for. The data spun and enlarged, a projection of the globe. “Assuming you all read the briefing packet, you know we don’t know jack shit. Based on preliminary reports from Banner we knew that the category-VI kaiju—”</p>
<p>“Hela,” Tony interjected, fiddling with a pen between his fingers. </p>
<p>Loki looked at him blankly, annoyed but mostly confused.</p>
<p>“What?” Tony lifted his shoulders apologetically. “It’s so much easier than saying ‘Category-VI Kaiju.’”</p>
<p>Loki rolled his eyes and continued, “What we know is that it can make portals and we have no way of knowing how to predict this. Anybody have anything useful to add?”</p>
<p>“Working on it,” said Tony.</p>
<p>“I said useful,” Loki said, giving him a baleful glare.</p>
<p>Heimdall leaned forward pensively and his elbows hovered above the table, eyes grave. “I think it’s best if everybody makes seismic analysis their priority. If we aren’t going to be able to predict attacks with seismology we need to know where our focus needs to shift and fast.”</p>
<p>“Who is best saddled for diagnostics?” said Marshal Danvers.</p>
<p>She had blonde hair that fell to her shoulders in a long, tidy bob and the self-assurance of somebody who knew exactly what they brought to the table. </p>
<p>“Best resources for diagnostics is gonna be you, Danvers,” Tony answered, pointing at her with his pen, his face illuminated with the extra holotablet he’d brought with him. “I can assist if needed, or put Banner on the case. He’s not busy.”</p>
<p>“That’s not really true,” Banner’s voice piped up from the darkness at the other end of the table, making Loki start in surprise. “I’m actually very busy, but I can help out.”</p>
<p>He always forgot the scientist attended these meetings because Banner almost never spoke at them. </p>
<p>“I’ll have my team run diagnostics and see what we can come up with,” Danvers said, her arms a blur as she sent orders off. “We’ll reach out if we need assistance.”</p>
<p>“Well, that settles it. The lines of communication here are always open,” Loki said shortly. “And you all have my personal line if you need it.”</p>
<p>They all nodded. He had always warred over the idea of giving out his direct line, but he had always preferred to get his information from the primary source if possible. Old habits.</p>
<p>He passed things off to Steve next, who launched into a brief review of coordination tactics, which simply referred to the ongoing and ever-changing strategies he and the other captains used to direct their teams in the field.</p>
<p>Loki felt his eyes droop as the focus shifted off of him and onto the Captain. </p>
<p>He needed to sleep.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>Bucky was waiting for him when he made it back to his office. He looked absolutely disgusting leaning against the wall in a pair of fatigues and a tank top, his dog tags dangling from his neck and somehow managing to look like they had an attitude.<p>“Oh my god, finally,” Bucky said as he approached, pushing off the wall.</p>
<p>“Aren’t you married now?” Loki brushed past his friend, with a dour look. </p>
<p>“Yes, and?”</p>
<p>Loki wrenched the wheel on his door. There was a screech of distressed metal. “Don’t you have somebody else to annoy?”</p>
<p>“Don’t be mean. I am a delight,” said Bucky, following him inside.</p>
<p>“Says who? Your mother?” said Loki.</p>
<p>“And my kindergarten teacher,” said Bucky, feigning affront. “Which is more than anybody can say for you.”</p>
<p>Loki snorted. “My teacher said I was unusual and that I terrorized the other children.”</p>
<p>Bucky looked at him expectantly. “And didn’t you?”</p>
<p>“Of course not.”</p>
<p>“Uh-huh.”</p>
<p>Bucky leaned back against the heavy door until it locked shut, leaning the heels of his boots against the little mat Loki had by the entrance. Loki’s irritation spiked as the mat slid out of place. He shooed Bucky off it and put it back, making sure it lined up with the threshold like it always did. </p>
<p>“Alright, what happened?” Bucky asked, frowning at him and folding his arms, his eyes narrowing.</p>
<p>“Nothing. Shut up.”</p>
<p>“If you’re cleaning house it means something happened,” said Bucky. “That’s basically top three on the crazy-meter.”</p>
<p>“I hate you.”</p>
<p>“Yep.”</p>
<p>Loki inhaled deeply and let it back out slowly through his mouth, trying to bring himself down to normal levels of functioning. Today felt like it had gone on forever and his brain was stretched nine ways to Sunday. He really wanted to talk about everything that was going on in his life, but he was certain if he tried to formulate a coherent sentence about it his brain would leak from his ears. </p>
<p>“You should take a break and talk to me,” Bucky suggested. “I have presents.”</p>
<p>“Presents?” Loki eyed his friend suspiciously. You could never be too careful with Bucky Barnes because his idea of a good time could either be extremely low key or the most harrowing experience of your life. </p>
<p>“Come on,” Bucky jerked his head and strolled towards the door. “We have to go get them. You need a break anyway.”</p>
<p>Loki glanced at his desk, torn between the amount of work he had to do and the temptation of doing whatever hare-brained thing his friend had in mind. </p>
<p>“Fine,” he glanced at the clock that read 17:40. “But I need to be back in an hour for the rest of my meetings. Do not make me late.”</p>
<p>Bucky grinned, which was code for the fact that he had stopped listening after the word “fine.”</p>
<p>As it turned out, Bucky’s present was to raid the kitchen for ice cream bars and take the back route into the supply hangars to eat them. Loki allowed himself to be dragged along feeling something like affection for his friend. It was charming, really, how hard Bucky was working to make him feel better. </p>
<p>“Bon appetit,” Bucky said grandly, handing him his present as they reached the dock and settled down to sit against the ledge of one of the large ramps. </p>
<p>Loki took it from him delicately and peeled the wrapper off with a single finger and thumb. It was really good, he decided. The bar was hardly anything special, definitely not a luxury brand item or anything, but they rarely ever got anything this quality out here so it tasted like heaven. He was horrified when his eyes welled up a bit in an unexpected surge of emotion. </p>
<p>“Ah, I thought so,” Bucky said softly beside him. </p>
<p>“Shut the hell up,” Loki said, scrubbing aggressively at his face as if he could hide the evidence in his sleeves.</p>
<p>“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Bucky. </p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>It was a lie. He desperately wanted somebody to help him sort out the chaos in his brain and make sense of it, but where to start? Where did people normally start when trying to talk about thirty years of entangled garbage that had no definitive start or end? And ice cream had no right to be this good.</p>
<p>Bucky tucked his legs up underneath him and placed his folded wrapper on the ground. “You talked to your brother, didn’t you?”</p>
<p>He nodded once. Sharply, as if it would make it less true.</p>
<p>“It went swimmingly, I see.”</p>
<p>“He makes everything into a fight,” Loki said roughly. “I don’t understand why I even try.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure?” Bucky prodded.</p>
<p>“Yes, of course,” Loki snapped angrily. “He’s an insubordinate asshole who thinks the rules don’t apply to him. If I could just have one single day where he doesn’t make me want to <i>kill</i> him...”</p>
<p>“And you would never do that to him.”</p>
<p>“No! Okay, so maybe once or twice I’ve been petty—” to which Bucky burst out laughing. Loki glared at him and he managed to subside into little hiccups of laughter instead. “I have been nothing but professional. I have <i>tried</i>, which is more than I can say for him at his best.”</p>
<p>“What happened this time?”</p>
<p>Loki looked down at the concrete that his feet were dangling over. “He lied to me. He’s <i>been</i> lying to me.”</p>
<p>A pause and then Bucky said hesitantly, “and you’re surprised about this?”</p>
<p>“No,” said Loki. “We just—” he stopped, trying to find the words that wouldn’t make him sound desperate or pathetic. “We didn’t used to lie to each other.” He said finally. “A long time ago, anyway. And I don’t have time to micromanage his decisions like he is a toddler right now. I am running a war here—the least he could do is act like an adult.”</p>
<p>He turned to look at Bucky who was listening intently, not a single ounce of judgment in his expression. </p>
<p>“I’m <i>so</i> tired of giving a damn,” Loki told him honestly.</p>
<p>“You give a damn because you love him,” said Bucky gently.</p>
<p>“No,” Loki’s heart squeezed painfully around the cold space that sat behind his ribcage. “I haven’t loved him in a long time.”</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t be crying over ice cream if he didn’t mean something to you.”</p>
<p>Maybe he was right. Loki knew he’d spent the last several years filling his life with ambition to push away the things he didn’t want to deal with. He’d been so busy that he often forgot the constant vacuum of loneliness he felt was not normal. Normal people didn’t feel like this when their life slowed down for long enough to catch their breath. They didn’t lie in their bed at night and pray for nightmares just to fill the empty spaces. </p>
<p>Bucky and his stupid ice cream. It had been a ploy and Loki had fallen for it. Not many people could pull that on him, but Bucky had an infuriatingly unassuming charm about him. He did not have time to be doing this. </p>
<p>“It doesn’t matter,” he said matter-of-factly. “He made his choice.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to overstep here,” said Bucky slowly. “But as possibly the world’s best authority on big, dumb blondes, I don’t think his choices are all that deep.”</p>
<p>Loki snorted.</p>
<p>“Listen, I’m just saying your brother seems like the kind of person who is pretty straightforward,” Bucky said. “I’m not taking his side or anything, I’m just saying that I think he might still love you too.” </p>
<p>“So what, then?” asked Loki. </p>
<p>“I think you should keep trying to talk to him,” Bucky said.</p>
<p>“Your optimism is sickening.”</p>
<p>“That’s what I’m here for.”</p>
<p>“I hate you.”</p>
<p>“I know.” Bucky grinned and stood and offered his hand. Loki took it and let him pull him upright.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>Thor stomped along the metal grates that lined nearly all the floors in the compound, sending the sound reverberating along the walls like they were made to channel the sound. Regulation boots were fairly heavy anyway, but he purposefully made a little more noise than usual because he was pissed off. He didn’t feel like running training simulations today, what he actually felt like doing was going to the beach. He wanted to be soaking up the sun in the summer before all the bullshit happened and before his skin had turned the color of a fish’s underbelly from being inside all the time.<p>The door to the simulation room hissed open and he stood stubbornly in the doorway for a moment before entering.</p>
<p>It was a surprisingly small room for something that was supposed to emulate the inside of a comm pod. It looked like something out of a comic book with a circular metal platform that mimicked the cockpit of a jaeger. Some of the rooms actually had repurposed Jaeger parts in them for authenticity, but others were older and just a flat space with a helmet. Thor had snagged one of the rooms with actual foot plates that he could lock into, which he preferred.</p>
<p>He stepped onto the platform. Lights blinked dimly at him and the soft click and whir of machinery ramped up around him as he flicked the system on. Pilots were supposed to complete at least three drops daily and submit them to their presiding superior officer (in his case, Loki) for review.</p>
<p>Thor cleared his throat and stepped into the rig, his feet snug against metal as he pulled on nylon straps that had been retrofitted to accommodate boots instead of armor. The VR gloves were next, peeling and floppy in the damp air, and then the helmet which he pulled down out of it’s place on a hook above him. The helmet was older and smelled of old sweat and the padding was cracking. It scraped against his face as he pulled it over his head. In the few seconds it took for the screen to light up he could see the scratches along the visor that reminded him of old CD’s that had been scraped along asphalt back in those nostalgia videos of the 90’s that Loki used to be obsessed with.</p>
<p>Visuals flickered in front of him and he signed in. Tony had pretty much set these programs up to put a pilot through any and all scenarios a random generator could come up with. It ranged from easy to damned near impossible to beat.</p>
<p>One of the main goals of these drills was to help stabilize and strengthen a pilot’s neural interface. It was paramount that a pilot be able to maintain their composure in a drift. For teams of two this meant operating inside each others' consciousness well enough to fight with one mind while not getting lost in the pit of memories and emotions they would inevitably encounter. Ideally a pilot brought nothing into the drift but that had only ever been achieved by a couple of people.</p>
<p>In Thor's case practice was mainly so he didn't get sucked into his own memories.</p>
<p>Leave everything at the edge of the mat.</p>
<p>It was an expression Loki was very fond of. Why he didn't pilot was a mystery to Thor—he would have been very good—but it was sage advice meaning that all the noise of life had no place taking up space when you stepped onto the training mat, and by extension the comm pod. In a perfect world Thor would leave all his thoughts at the door, but somehow his thoughts always followed him in.</p>
<p>He punched initiate. </p>
<p>There was a sharp, stabbing pain in his temples and then a smooth, slippery sensation as the drift welcomed him back. To date, it was still one of the strangest experiences he'd ever had. He had never gotten used to it.</p>
<p>The screen flickered and workable but clumsy graphics popped up on his visor. When the software had come out the graphics had really been something, but that was years ago and they hadn't had the time to upgrade them. Well, that and the fact that kaiju tore up LA a few years back and animation hadn’t been the same since.</p>
<p>He felt the tug of memories at the back of his skull and shut them down. The first run was easy, a warm up round—ten minutes and it was in the bag. Green text rolled across the screen congratulating him. Thor rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck as the scenery tipped forward into the next round. </p>
<p>The urge to fall into memories was stronger this time. He pushed it away with a frown, ducking as he nearly got wiped out by a massive tail. Memories tended to be organic and evolving in the drift, but he’d never had a problem resisting the pull. He felt sweat begin to drip down his neck. </p>
<p>There was a sudden slice of pain behind his eye and then he was somewhere else.</p>
<p>
  <i>The sound of glass shattering was explosive as the bottle hit the wall. Loki was across the kitchen, his chest heaving, cheeks pink. His features were smooth and young, his hair long and brushing past his shoulders in wild, beautiful curls. Thor felt rage bubble in his chest.</i>
</p>
<p>He slammed back into the program, disoriented. An alarm blared in his ear and his helmet vibrated as he took a hit. He barely managed to duck out of the way as a grainy version of a kaiju’s clawed hand swiped at him. A stab of pain shot through his head again.</p>
<p>
  <i>"Thor, it's dad—"</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"What about him?"</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>A pause on the other side. A surge of dread. The smell of dust and gasoline.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"They're saying he won't make it another week. Thought you might want to know."</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"Nice of you to call."</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>A short laugh devoid of humor. "Yeah, well, I didn’t do it for you."</i>
</p>
<p>Thor jolted out of the memory with a gasp, immediately nauseated. His fingers fumbled with the straps of the machine just in time to bolt from the platform. He made it to the trash bin and heaved. It had been a long time since he'd puked quite so thoroughly. He groaned and spit into the trash before shakily getting to his feet. </p>
<p>This wasn’t supposed to happen...</p>
<p>To other people certainly, but not to him. Ever since the beginning he had never had to deal with memories in the drift, they’d always just stayed locked away. Nobody ever mentioned how vibrant they would be, or how <i>real</i>.</p>
<p>The simulator helmet hung from its stand, daring him to try again. It nearly sent him rushing for the trashcan again. His skin was clammy and he could feel his pulse beating against his eardrums, drowning out coherent thought. Sweat trickled down his face and he smudged it from his eyes with the back of his wrist, feeling the weight of his issues compound in a single moment. </p>
<p>The glitching, the bloody noses, the headaches. All of them he’d been able to brush aside and ignore individually, but now that seemed to have compounded into an inability to do his job in real time…? It felt like the end of the world. </p>
<p>His fingers shook as he punched in a number on the comm before he could stop himself. The buttons made cheap clicking sounds beneath his fingers. The comm system was ancient but it still worked for short conversations. Usually. It buzzed a couple times before somebody picked up.</p>
<p>“What do you want?” Val’s voice was sharp on the other line. </p>
<p>“It’s me,” Thor said. </p>
<p>“Ah, yes, you,” Val said drolly. “And you would be?”</p>
<p>“Me. Thor,” he waved a hand dismissively. “Research question for you: what happens to a pilot when they first start to drift? Memory wise?”</p>
<p>“Ha!” Val barked with laughter. “That’s a good one. How many years on the force and now he wants to know!”</p>
<p>“Just,” Thor looked at the ceiling, willing it to give him patience. “Can you please tell me?”</p>
<p>There was a momentary scuffle of movement on the other end before Sif’s thoughtful voice came through.</p>
<p>“Thor, it’s Sif. First time down the rabbit hole is really, really jarring. There’s nothing in the technology that keeps you from feeling whatever you felt in that memory so it can be really traumatizing,” she explained. “But most pilots learn to compartmentalize after a few sessions, and then once they learn to reject the rabbit, it’s usually a home run.” Her tone shifted suspiciously. “Why?”</p>
<p>“Just curious. How do people usually get over it? How did you get over it?”</p>
<p>Val returned with laughter. “Loads of therapy, man. You don’t remember?”</p>
<p> Sif sounded concerned. “Thor, you know this. Psychoanalysts make bank on new pilots.”</p>
<p>“They do?”</p>
<p>“Duh,” said Val. “Don’t you remember all that mandatory therapy during training? Fuck. Drift always shows the worst memories first. I mean, they even out over time, but the first month or so…” she whistled for effect. “Why? What happened?”</p>
<p>“Nothing. Thanks.” </p>
<p>Thor killed the line and leaned his forehead into the screen for a moment. So it was going to get worse before it got better, not awesome. But at least he knew it was normal, which made things a little less not awesome. </p>
<p>But then of course, this had never been his normal. And they said nothing about physical side effects being normal, many of which Loki had so thoughtfully outlined for him earlier. </p>
<p>He looked at the helmet again, weighing his options. Dr. Foster would lecture him into the ground for waiting this long to even consider seeing her, but with the Category VI looming over their heads he could stand to hang on for a little bit longer. </p>
<p>And a part of him wanted to see his memories. The bad, not so much. Adrenaline still shimmered in his blood from the ones earlier. But Sif said they tended to even out and what he would do to relive the good memories. The summers with Loki, biking into town together, spending all day at the beach until he was sunburnt to hell and Loki’s freckles began to peek out beneath a sunny blush, those beautiful green eyes. Thor still thought his eyes were beautiful, but they were different now, charged with an energy that made them flinty and unforgiving. War changed everybody and his little brother was no exception. He missed Loki’s chaotic nature when it had been all softness and enthusiasm.</p>
<p>He sighed and glanced at the clock and then climbed back onto the platform.</p>
<p>There really wasn’t anything for it, he couldn't stop for the day. All sessions were recorded and he couldn't turn in whatever just happened, he would get grounded and be sent for review before he could say “fuck off.” He slid the helmet back over his head and accessed his files, his fingers dancing over familiar patterns to delete the bad footage.</p>
<p>The file blipped out of sight and Thor stared at it for a second. Two more sessions before he could walk out of here. </p>
<p>Three more failed attempts, a nosebleed, and an indeterminate number of minutes (hours?) later, he finally emerged from the room, drained and shaken but successful and marginally convinced he wasn’t losing his ability to pilot. This was normal. He was just experiencing it later than most pilots did. </p>
<p>But somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that wasn’t true. </p>
<p>He hit send on the computer and headed back to his rooms to shower.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>Loki glared at himself in the mirror. He’d managed to struggle through his remaining meetings, but hell if he could say what they had been about. As soon as he stepped from the conference room, all information bled from his mind like a sieve.<p>He looked terrible right now, but he didn’t blame his eyes for being red-rimmed or his skin for being dry and desperately in need of sleep. By now he knew it was a result of being constantly surrounded by idiots and it was even causing him to <i>bald</i>. If he had to go through another set of back-to-back meetings with Anthony My-Daddy-Paid-For-My-Ride Stark and Steven I’m-So-Fucking-Righteous Rogers again he was going to drown himself in a urinal. Normally he scheduled around them, or made it to where he only met with one of them at a time, but under recent circumstances he could no longer avoid it.</p>
<p>He frowned at his thinning hair and smoothed it back into place. Maybe, if he was smart about it, he could get some sleep tonight and he wouldn’t feel so haggard and his brain wouldn’t feel like spiderwebs. Abruptly he shut the light off and left the bathroom. He couldn’t give himself too much time to think or else he would drown in what he found there. </p>
<p>His brain didn’t know how to stop. God, if only he could make it stop. </p>
<p>Loki glanced at his watch. It wasn’t that he knew Thor’s schedule or anything, but he knew his brother would be back in his quarters right around now. It wasn’t like there was much to do in the compound, they all tended to run fairly regular routines. </p>
<p>The door was unlocked when he got there.</p>
<p>He had a key, of course, but he hadn’t ever bothered to carry it with him anywhere because he knew he wouldn’t need it. Thor was a naturally trusting person. He slipped inside. Water was running in the bathroom and steam already billowing out of the doorway and into the main room. Loki hesitated. It wouldn’t be unusual for him to slip out of his uniform, lay it on the bed, and enter the tiny shower. Hell, Thor would probably take it as some kind of token of goodwill and try to talk about their feelings or something equally horrifying. </p>
<p>Maybe Bucky was right about them.</p>
<p>But he needed the distraction and suspected Thor wanted the same. Indeed, Thor didn’t say anything but simply moved to accommodate him as he joined him under the water. Loki pressed into his back and held him there, facing the regulation steel walls in the tiny shower. If he’d wanted to, Thor could easily have overpowered him but he didn’t. It was sort of an unspoken rule between the two of them that they didn’t see each other for this.</p>
<p>Loki drowned out the sound of his thoughts as he ran his hands along his brother’s thickly muscled back, covered in scars and bruises, old and new. Some he knew, many he didn’t. There was once a time when he knew them all more intimately as his own. Thor guided his hand and they moved in tandem and for a time, Loki’s mind was blissfully blank. They had always been good together. Loki felt his heart twist and he bit into Thor’s shoulder as he came, Thor followed within seconds. </p>
<p>He left before Thor could recover enough to say something to him. </p>
<p>Guilt, loss, and something hollow ate at him, replacing the thoughts he’d meant to chase away. This was worse than the mundane chatter of his usual thoughts. He didn’t remember walking back, but now he was staring a hole into his reflection in his own bathroom in his quarters, hating himself all over again.</p>
<p>His features looked too clean. Too clear. He could see every flaw, every weakness, and every failure in the lines that had slowly appeared on his face over the years and he hated every single one of them. The harsh light of the bathroom cast shadows along his face, thinner than it had once been. Once upon a time he'd considered himself attractive, but those days were long years gone, dust in the rearview mirror. Now when he looked at himself he just saw...well, he saw himself in every ugly inch of it. He stared until the ugliness blurred.</p>
<p>The counter made a dissatisfying sound when he slammed his palms against it and turned away. It was times like these that made him wish he had somebody to be with instead of himself. </p>
<p>He used to share everything with Thor.</p>
<p>He went back to the main room and began to undress, hanging his jacket in the closet and tugging his shirt free, tossing it in the laundry chute. His pants followed. When he was younger he drooled over the idea of being a high-ranking officer with the fancy uniforms and the shiny accolades pinned across the breast and shoulders. Now that he’d gotten here, all he wanted was the silk smooth of his sleep wear against his legs and a soft pillow at night. One was better than none, he supposed as he stepped into the light pair of pants. He hesitated only a moment before leaning over to dig through his drawers until he found an old, battered white shirt. It was nothing special to the outside eye, way too large and made for someone broader. It smelled faintly of skin and an antiperspirant brand that he didn’t use when he slipped it on over his head. He tried not to be annoyed when he felt comforted by it.</p>
<p>He pulled his hair up into a loose bun and poured himself a glass of filtered water and set it on his bedside table and then, after a moment’s consideration, went back to the kitchen for a couple fingers of whiskey. It was a bottle of <i>Balvenie 50</i> he’d swiped, as he often did, from the mountain of gifts Thor had received on their last trip inland. His brother may have been a certified dumbass, but his admirers had exquisite taste in liquor.</p>
<p>If he were honest, drinking wasn’t a particular vice of his—too messy—but on a day like this he welcomed a little messy. </p>
<p>The whiskey burned his throat and settled high in his stomach as he sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. Warmth blossomed in his chest and spread outward in lazy tendrils. </p>
<p>Something niggled at the back of his mind, preventing him from succumbing to sleepiness. He sighed and allowed himself to go there tonight. Thor was a constant source of stress that he tended to avoid, but he’d learned the hard way that if he didn’t indulge the worry every now and then, he would go insane. </p>
<p>His damned fool of a brother. He was slipping, Loki could see it in him—he’d been seeing it for weeks, or was it months now? Hell, he’d noticed it only half an hour earlier in the shower. Something was wrong. Off. And he was too much of a coward to do anything about it. He took a large swallow of whiskey and leaned forward to cradle his head in one hand, letting the thin edges of the tumbler dangle between his fingertips. </p>
<p>Thor was an all-consuming whirlwind he desperately wanted to hate. He wanted to take him and crush him beneath his metaphorical thumb until he couldn’t breathe; he wanted him to suffer for his arrogance and the injustice of the things Loki had suffered through on his behalf. He hated how Thor could brush things off and remain blissfully impervious to the issues they faced, convinced he was the savior of the world even as it burned down around him. It was still one big game to him. Meanwhile, Loki was driven mad just trying to keep him alive. </p>
<p>And that <i>was</i> what he was doing. He knew it came off like micromanaging, or being unfairly harsh, but in his own twisted way he was doing everything in his power to keep Thor alive. </p>
<p>The fact that he still cared repulsed him to his core.</p>
<p>It seemed he had fallen asleep at some point, because when he woke up he was confused and the lights were still on. He looked around for the source of what had woken him. And then he heard it. </p>
<p>An alarm was sounding faintly below him, the split-second precursor to a much louder, much more urgent sound that blared through his room next. The holoscreen behind him lit in a frenzy of color as information rolled in, casting a reddish glow through the glass that he had evidently placed on his bedside table. Kaiju attack. Loki felt the deep ache of exhaustion in his bones and wondered if he would have the will to answer the call to action this time.</p>
<p>When he did move, the first thing he did was drain the rest of the whiskey. Then he stripped from his sleep clothes and donned his uniform again. It was like watching himself move under water, almost ritualistic in the automatic movements that carried him through until the starched edges of his uniform lay flat across his chest and body.</p>
<p>He shook the sleep from his head and felt the heaviness in his eyelids lift. The weariness in his bones remained.</p>
<p>By the time he stepped from the room, the mask of Marshal Odinson was firmly in place.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>how we feelin' fam? talk to me in the comments. ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the worst things come in threes...and sometimes fives</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit // Command Deck</strong>
</p><p>The air on deck was cold when he arrived. Tension strung itself around the room in heavy layers of anxious energy, making the hair on his arms and the back of his neck stand on end. Tony was at his station looking neurotic, as usual. Webs of data flickered at each station as pilots arrived at their comm pods and prepared for drop.</p><p>Tony noticed him first.</p><p>"Marshal Odinson on deck!"</p><p>The deck went deathly silent for a moment to recognize him. Loki nodded curtly to release them and halted a few steps from Tony’s center station. Doors hissed open and shut as people flooded in and to their stations. Steve was already at his, cool as a cucumber under pressure, running pre-drop checks on Sam and Bucky. </p><p>Val and Sif were sealed in their pod already and the signal for drop was flashing green across their screen. Tony had them up on the left half of his display, their vitals scrolling across the lower portion of it. Thor’s display was on the right side where Loki stood. He felt a wave of nausea as he watched Thor strap into his harness. He shouldn’t be out there right now. Loki tried to swallow his guilt, but it stuck in his throat. </p><p>"All combat personnel engage for drop," he called to the room.</p><p>"Secure the comm pod," Tony punched the intercom and addressed the techs on Thor's platform. "Lucky Thunder secured and ready."</p><p>"Lucky Thunder ready whenever you are," Thor's voice piped through the speakers.</p><p>A deep rumbling filled the room and shuddered up through the floor, raising the hairs along the back of his neck. Loki clasped his hands behind his back and watched the three Jaeger heads plummet from above in a freefall. The tracks guided them, but only just. Pistons hissed and steam poured from exhaust valves as they slowed just in time and then were released to corkscrew down onto the inert bodies. The gold interwoven in the faceplate of each Jaeger gleamed under the orange lighting of the hangar. Loki would never get over how eerie they were, towering sentries like relics of a forgotten past. </p><p>The holoscreen lit up green in front of them.</p><p>"Coupling confirmed, Sir," Tony said</p><p>"Engage pilot-to-pilot protocol," Loki called to the rest of the room.</p><p>"Are we gonna do this thing or what?" Thor asked, rolling his neck and shoulders.</p><p>His voice was tinny through the small desk speakers but Loki could still catch the thrum of excitement that undercut his normal timbre. </p><p>"All in good time, big guy," said Tony, leaning back and rolling his chair out of the way for Loki's use.</p><p>Loki leaned forward, eyes on the holoscreen in front of him, and keyed the general comm. "As you’re all well aware, we don't have a lot of intel on this Kaiju. I don’t need to tell you your communication needs to be airtight. You’re the best jaeger team on the planet, act like it,” He scanned the video feeds in front of him to make sure they were all paying attention and was pleasantly surprised to see that they were. It was reassuring in a way. They might not like him, and with the exception of Bucky, they might not be <i>friends</i> with him, but they trusted him to do his job and lead them through this. </p><p>“As always, your primary directive is to keep the threat away from the coast, which includes yourselves.”</p><p>"Don’t forget to collect samples!" A panicked voice squawked. "Always collect samples!"</p><p>Loki muted the comm and drew a deep breath in through his nostrils before turning around deliberately to find a trembling but stubborn looking Newt standing just a couple feet out of arm’s reach. Smart, because Loki had half a mind to slap him and watch his head spin.</p><p>"Interrupt me again, civilian, and I will personally see to it that you never step foot in a lab for the rest of your life,” he said instead, letting his anger slip into his tone.</p><p>The room hummed with tension, but Banner saved him the indignity by giving Loki an apologetic look and yanking his assistant by the back of the shirt until he stumbled towards the back of the room. Loki turned away, making a mental note to fire the man on the spot if he so much as breathed in his direction wrong.</p><p>In the hangar, the Jaegers were being propelled forward on rolling platforms towards the bay doors that parted before each one, the sound of grinding metal piercing through the thick glass windows like they weren’t even there. The ocean came into view, revealing dim moonlight that skittered across the angry waves in broken slashes of light. Water broke violently against the loading ramps.</p><p>"Get me a line to the ground," Loki said, straightening. "And somebody put Newt where I don’t have to look at him."</p><p>The room was a flurry of movement as officers moved to obey, some of the newer ones tripping over themselves in their haste. He could hear the sounds of Newt's protests as he was ushered from the room. Loki felt his eye twitch. Newt and Banner were an odd match. He had been fortunate enough to have the scientist on his team because Banner was something of a kaiju aficionado, which made him intensely aware of details most people missed or simply didn't realize existed just by sheer scale of his interest. He was the most qualified researcher for the job by far, so how he managed to pick the most irritating assistant in the world was a mystery. </p><p>A heavy, long-distance comm device appeared in front of his nose, sitting in the palm of Tony’s outstretched hand.</p><p>"Ground is on the line."</p><p>Loki took it from him and brought it to his mouth. The toggle on the side was stiff and it clicked when he pressed it.</p><p>"Go for ground."</p><p>Static filled Loki's ears as the Commander’s voice crackled through the speaker. In front of him, Tony put a foot on his desk and propelled his chair backward, holding his hand out to Loki without a word. </p><p>Loki sighed and slapped the device into his hand. Tony fiddled with it for a second and then handed it back. Drax's voice streamed through much clearer.</p><p>"Commander, what have you got for me?"</p><p>“I have troops straddling mile marker 34,” Drax’s heavy voice was deliberate and slow. </p><p>Loki’s fingers tapped a restless rhythm along his pant leg. He knew Drax. Enough to know that he was methodical and did things the same way almost every single time. Loki considered him to be the kind of person who had picked out a shirt one day, liked it, and worn the same kind of shirt ever since. An incredibly reliable sort of person, but also an incredibly dull one. </p><p>He almost bit his tongue off waiting for the other man to get to the end of his words before—</p><p>"Spread the wings out farther," he interrupted impatiently. "Encompass mile 34 and 35, be ready to flank with the jaegers if possible. Keep artillery at a distance. In the event this ends up making land you'll need the space."</p><p>He took a deep breath and Drax responded affirmatively. At his desk, Tony's lips tugged in the barest hint of a smirk. </p><p>"Rogers," Loki turned to his left where Steve was already listening attentively, a slight furrow in his brow. "Set them down along the coast. I want you ready to jump in as backup."</p><p>The screen dove into a flurry of lights as Bucky undoubtedly had something sharp to say about it.  Steve muted him casually without even looking. Loki generally enjoyed antagonizing Sam and Bucky because he found it hilarious. He had placed them as backup as a tactical move because they were incredibly good in a support role, but also because he knew it would enrage Bucky. Nobody could ever accuse him of not being able to multitask.</p><p>Across the room, Steve shook his head at him and leaned forward into the comm to soothe his husband on the other end. Steve wasn't unaware of his games and he made sure Loki knew he disapproved of them, but the tactical advantage was sound so he didn't fight it.</p><p>For the millionth time in his career as Marshal, Loki considered his decision to put both Steve and Bucky on the same team. He could hardly bet on lovers to make the objective decision if needed. Then again, if he placed Steve anywhere else it was likely that Sam and Bucky would tear each other apart before the helicopters even released them into their respective zone. No, it was best if Steve headed their team from here.</p><p>"Widower," he turned to Val and Sif’s feed. "I need you to float. You’ll follow Thor to the drop point. If things get hairy, as they undoubtedly will, I need you to be ready. Keep things away from the city. Drax and his team are, and I emphasize, our last resort."</p><p>Sif nodded and Val flashed a double thumbs up.</p><p>"Thor," Loki turned back to the center. Thor was stretching his neck and fidgeting. "You're hitting the ground running. We'll set you down three nautical miles from the initial rift. I want you focused and sharp.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. I know what I’m doing.” Thor flipped him off. Normally Loki would chastise him for it, but he let it go this time with gritted teeth.</p><p>"Bridge standby for initial drop," he ground out to the room.</p><p>The thrum of too many Jumphawks grew to a deafening roar as the Jaegers lifted off to be shuttled to the drop point.</p><p>Tony was already working on setting up their coordinates, tracking the Kaiju’s movement as it lolled about in the ocean. Loki frowned as he watched it move. This one really acted like no other Kaiju they'd encountered before. It was curious and playful and smart as hell, and that made it terrifying.</p><p>Banner had been playing with the idea of a hive mind behind the Kaiju. They all seemed to act in a way that suggested they had a queen or some typical alien creature shit like that, but Hela threw a wrench in that hypothesis. He hoped the scientist was working hard on figuring her out. They didn't have time to rework their strategies and he wasn't prepared to lose any of his pilots over it, either.</p><p>The speakers crackled with static as an old rock song poured through the team channel. He knew it was his brother. Thor did it every time as a way to hype everybody up, but he always chose the same song and refused to consider an alternative. It wasn't allowed and to his ever-mounting sense of self-loathing, Loki only fought it with half a heart. The deep recesses of his mind recognized the soothing effects of a routine they'd used since before he could remember. A part of him still remembered the times when they hadn't been so hopelessly dysfunctional, when Thor used to rock him to sleep humming rock ballads of the 80's and tangling his fingers in his hair.</p><p>His jaw unclenched just a little. </p><p>The Jaegers touched down, displacing massive amounts of water as they sank into the ocean, rock solid against the ebb and flow of the massive waves.</p><p>“Lucky and Widower touched down and ready to roll,” Thor’s voice cut the music off.</p><p>Grimly, Loki leaned forward into the comm.</p><p>“Give her hell."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>Thor clamped down on the energy that threatened to overwhelm him and bottled it for later. The Jaeger lurched beneath him as he powered along the ocean floor, keeping pace with Val and Sif beside him.<p>"Approaching target," Sif said.</p><p>"Lock and load," Val chimed in.</p><p>Widower’s twin blades sliced through the air, glinting dangerously.</p><p>Thor unlatched Mjolnir from her place on his back and allowed the head to drag along the surface of the water. He sent a mild current out and heard the hum of the tesla coil pulse below him in Lucky’s chest. His hair stood on end.</p><p>A small pain stung the back of his skull. The display flickered and his connection faltered. </p><p>
  <i>Shit.</i>
</p><p>"One mile to contact," Tony's voice streamed over the group channel.</p><p>Thor tightened his grip on Mjolnir and strode ahead. If he went into it hard and focused he might just make it before another dip in his consciousness. He could just see Hela's massive, armored spikes rolling just above the water as he approached.</p><p>As they drew close, giant spines shuddered with a growing rattling sound and spread wide, turning her into a menacing ball as she hissed—one big ass porcupine full of rage all for him. </p><p>"Game time, bitches!" Val crowed.</p><p>She and Sif peeled off to the left and Thor shifted right.</p><p>In a blink Hela retracted her spines and pivoted. Her tail shot out and knocked Widower off course and in the same movement came for Thor, barreling towards him at speeds shouldn’t have been possible for a creature her size.</p><p>He wasn't fast enough. The hammer swung and missed by a hair, but Hela's aim was spot on. He hit the water with a slam. </p><p>“Coming up your ass, big boy,” Val called.</p><p>Thor felt rather than saw them coming, deep vibrations rattling up through the arm he had braced against the ground. He tucked and rolled out of the way and to his feet without missing a step as Widower sprinted up from behind and dove headfirst. The impact was a sick slap of metal against organic material. Virulent looking neon blue fluid sprayed across the ocean, brilliant against the creeping shadows like a broken glow stick at a rave. On of the spikes hung limply from Hela’s back, leaking blood.</p><p>The Kaiju made a piercing screeching sound and vanished beneath the waves and shot out of reach into the ocean.</p><p>Tony’s voice piped into the group channel. "Ground team, on high alert, we're detecting movement."</p><p>"Oh yeah? Not from where we're sitting," Bucky's bitterness was palpable.</p><p>"Man, shut up," Sam said.</p><p>"No, I'm so sick of backup detail. You think I like sitting here drowning in your memories?"</p><p>Thor grinned. Sam and Bucky were incredible fighters, but being with them in the field was a unique experience that Thor had yet to have encountered anywhere else. They were...friends, as far as he could tell, but it was an honest-to-god miracle if they could stand in the same room without taking a swipe at each other, let alone pilot a Jaeger with any proficiency, which they did. Thor didn't know how they'd managed to be so compatible in the drift and even Loki had been a little nonplussed when they'd matched (although he would deny it).</p><p>Sam was talking. "Dude, chill already, it's been three years."</p><p>"Yeah. And if I die and go to hell, this is where I'll end up—in a cockpit with you, birdface—"</p><p>Out of nowhere, Hela’s tail whipped up towards Lucky’s head and he lost the rest of Bucky’s rant to static. Thor ducked and sent a bolt of lightning streaking into the water. He didn’t see if it hit or not.</p><p>Sam’s voice stuttered back in. "I hate sharing your brain, do you know that? Do you even know what I've seen?"</p><p>Bucky laughed darkly. "Only what I've let you see."</p><p>Sam made a retching noise.</p><p>“Do you two possibly mind shutting the fuck up?” Thor grunted, as a bellow shook the crust of the earth and water erupted around him. </p><p>Claws outstretched towards Lucky’s visor and Thor arched backwards. Hela went sailing over him and skidded to a halt. Thor spun around and began to whirl Mjolnir as the Kaiju planted her feet and spread her spines. </p><p>The blue glow behind her frill began to pulse and she let out a wild, unearthly barking sound. Out of the corner of his eye, an orange-purple glow began to creep along the ocean surface and in towards the coast. </p><p>"Uh, are y'all seeing this?" Sam's voice piped over the group comm.</p><p>"Little busy!" Sif snapped as they whipped past in an angry streak of violet.</p><p>"Is Bucky making shit up again?" Thor asked, ducking as a spine shot through the air and attempted to pierce through the cockpit.</p><p>"Hey, fuck you, Odinson, that was one time," Bucky shot back. “I’m telling you we have a brand new rift over here.”</p><p>“That’s impossible.”</p><p>“No, we’re definitely about to have company.”</p><p>“Incoming—!”</p><p>A giant roar drowned out the remainder of Tony’s sentence and Hela resurfaced right into Thor’s face. He reeled back in surprise and brought Mjolnir around reflexively. It connected and sent a shockwave reverberating through the water and back up his arm into the cockpit.</p><p>“Mayday,” Sam barked, sounding strained. “Backup is compromised, I repeat, backup is compromised.”</p><p>“Roger that, boys, we’re on our way,” Sif said.</p><p>Hela let out a bellow and her body pulsed with a deep blue glow. She was gearing up for something big. But before she could, Widower’s purple hull barreled into her on their way to help Sam and Bucky, missing deadly spines as they took a swipe at her. The sword glanced off with a sharp clink.</p><p>It gave Thor the time he needed to send a charge through Mjolnir. He hurled it at her and it sang in the air as Hela sidestepped it easily and shuddered. She loped towards him, the rattling interspersed with a loud clicking, completely ignoring Val and Sif who were closer, instead coming straight for Thor. </p><p>There was nowhere to go but backward, towards the coast and towards Bucky and Sam.</p><p>And then it was all three of them, uniting forces against two Kaiju. Wherever there was a blind spot, one of them was there to cover. Widower held the line while Thor landed a swing with Mjolnir and Sam and Bucky bounced the shield off the Kaiju like a boomerang.</p><p>It was like no other battle he'd been in before. He was used to getting his ass handed to him and getting back up, but he couldn’t catch his breath here. Every time he got up, Hela was there to knock him out, knock him over, sidestep his attacks and dart away only to circle back around and do it all over again. His friends were right there along the way, working with him in tandem as they usually did with every trick in their book. They'd fought together for years, but Hela was batting them around like a cat with fresh kill.</p><p>Water rushed up at the glass for what felt like the millionth time.</p><p>"Goddammit!"</p><p>"Thor, focus!" Loki's voice poured through a private comm.</p><p>"Fuck off!"</p><p>"You're getting sloppy."</p><p>Thor grunted and tucked and rolled. "So you do it."</p><p>"I'm trying to tell you the Kaiju is predicting your movements," Loki snapped. "Congratulations, you're boring to an alien. Switch your movements up, you need to—"</p><p>"I know what I need to do, Loki," Thor growled.</p><p>"You could have fooled me."</p><p>Thor swore as Widower soared past him, metal limbs flailing for purchase before they landed several yards away. Val’s curses streamed through the comm.</p><p>Hela crouched, looking rather pleased with herself, spines rolling back and forth playfully. Thor took off after her, throwing all sense of strategy out the window and going with instinct instead. A bolt of lightning streaked across the surface of the water and hit her in the mouth. She practically swallowed it.</p><p>Oh, come <i>on.</i></p><p>"Hey, a little help over here?"</p><p>For some reason, Sam always managed to sound like he was asking for help moving a coffee table when, in fact, Thor was pretty sure they were in a bind. A quick glance told him they had the second Kaiju locked in a furious battle of strength and would have been at a stalemate except the alien's tail was still free to slash and dangerously close to getting there.</p><p>"Only if you've got a second, don't mind us," Bucky said, grunting with effort.</p><p>"Go!" Thor insisted, landing a powerful punch into the kaiju’s face.</p><p>Widower twisted and hurled one of their twin blades across the distance towards Bucky and Sam. It was a long shot, but an enraged bellow told him it found it's mark.</p><p>"Fuck!" Bucky swore. “Do you mind?! We’re standing right here!” </p><p>“Oh, don’t get your panties in a twist, Barnes,” Sif snarled.</p><p>Thor's heart hammered in his chest as he propelled himself out of reach. Suddenly it was just him against Hela. Then his display flickered and his visuals went dark. Pain seared through his mind.</p><p>
  <i>Nonononono, not now.</i>
</p><p>"Thor, we've lost vitals on you. What's happening out there?”</p><p>"Must be a glitch on your end," he lied, grunting.</p><p>“Don’t fucking lie,” Loki hissed. </p><p>Sweat beaded on his forehead and slipped down the back of his neck. His hand shook as he tightened his grip around Mjonir’s hilt and blinked the pain from his eyes. This fight was dragging on too long and he was already exhausted. He'd never felt like he might actually die in the field before. He could see Hela circling him in the distance and for the first time he realized he might have to come to terms with the idea that he might not make this one.</p><p>His head pounded.</p><p>"Thor, talk to me," Loki's voice was deadly calm in his ear. “I can only help you if I know what’s going on.”</p><p>"Standby," he managed to rasp out as his vision blurred and a memory dragged him down.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div><i>There was wind in his hair, stinging at his eyes and making them water.</i><p>
  <i>Loki was beside him in the passenger seat, leaning back into the new leather with the kind of sensual, self-possessed confidence that he had in spades.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Thor felt a white-hot sensation curl around his stomach and pull it towards his shoes as Loki reached a pale arm out to catch the wind, a watch glinting at his wrist, black nails shining in the darkness. He had always been beautiful, but something about the last couple years had changed him and Thor couldn’t tear his eyes away.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Loki's eyes were alight with a rare, icy spark, cool and steady in the face of a thrill. Thor's throat tightened.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>”Eyes on the road, genius,” and Thor could hear the eyeroll in his voice. Loki knew all too well where Thor’s eyes were. “Do you know how embarrassing it would be to die in a car crash during an alien invasion?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The light turned red. Thor shifted gears and gunned it through the intersection.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>They made it just in time.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Loki’s shriek of laughter trailed behind them like a tailwind.</i>
</p><p>Thor couldn’t help but grin. When he glanced over, Loki was looking at him this time, his eyes deep, sparkling green.</p><p>
  <i>Nobody should be allowed to be that beautiful. He wanted to reach across the center console and drag his brother into his arms and kiss him until he was dizzy.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Loki bit his lower lip just a little, just to tease. Thor swore and turned back to the road, weaving through back streets until he screeched to a stop in an empty lot. He put it into park and practically leapt over the center console where Loki, laughing, released the seat into recline and pulled him down with it.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div><p>"Thor!" Loki's snarl slammed him back into the present.</p><p>A strange weightlessness enveloped him as he reoriented himself. Right. Jaeger cockpit. Currently watching the streets of the city twinkle beneath him as he sailed over buildings.</p><p>Oh. So, he’d been thrown, then.</p><p>The impact rocked him, sending him flying against his restraints. His arms shot out to the sides of their own accord, desperately trying to balance him. There was a horrifying screeching and the sound of a million windows shattering beyond repair as Lucky dragged against office buildings and hotels stacked along either side of a well-worn street. </p><p>He came to an unsteady halt and felt his mind slip out of drift. Alarms screamed at him as the connection severed, the HUD flashing urgently. He fumbled with the controls, blinking pain and sweat from his eyes as he tried to reconnect. His skin was clammy and cold, his heart skipping irregularly in his chest. The memory had been deep, an old one with claws that sank deep into his mind.</p><p>And then, with a surge of bright white and a stab of pain at the base of his skull, he was back in control. Alarms cut out as the familiar rush pushed him back into drift.</p><p>
  <i>Sonofagoddamnmotherfuckingshit—</i>
</p><p>“Gotcha. Up and at ‘em, kiddo," Tony said worriedly through the comm. “You’re the first to make land.”</p><p>“Yeah, no shit.”</p><p>He knew what Tony meant. If he could get out of the city fast enough they wouldn’t have to engage ground forces, which meant a lot less potential damage. Well, damage other than a two-thousand ton war machine careening through the streets, anyway. Thor shook his head and squinted at his surroundings as they blurred in and out of focus.</p><p>There was a deep rumble and the ground shook as he pushed himself to his feet. In the distance he watched as Hela broke through the incomplete barrier that politicians had spent months campaigning for and pouring money into. So much for that pet project. Hela clambered her way past the rubble onto land and into the street towards him in no particular hurry, wreaking havoc and destruction along the way. Pain shot through his temples and he stumbled and caught himself on another building. </p><p>"Thor!"</p><p>Loki's voice was rock solid, cutting through the foggy vestiges of the memory and anchoring him. He grasped for it.</p><p>"Yeah," Thor said, his breath came in short, choppy bursts. "Hey, Lokes, I'm here. I'm good."</p><p>"Oh, for chrissakes, you can’t lie to save your life,” Loki sounded stressed. “We’re getting you help, standby.”</p><p>Thor flexed a hand and prayed that he would stay conscious.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>Loki's insides turned to ice as he watched Hela sink her claws into the inert Jaeger and slam it around a couple times.<p>He should have suspended Thor and kept him here. Kept him safe. But without him out in the field, it would have been two Jaegers against Hela and they might have just gone down with the Shatterdome at that point. This is what he got for avoiding his brother for months. </p><p>Anger, terror, and panic threatened to overwhelm him, but he swallowed it and forced himself to focus.</p><p>When he looked back at the screen, Lucky was sailing through the air straight into the city. The Jaeger hadn’t even landed before he pulled himself together and began shouting orders at his teams.</p><p>"Status! Ground, do we have confirmation on civilian bunkers," he barked, whipping around to address the civilian safety team. "Are we clear to move?"</p><p>Drax should have taken care of this, but Loki always double-checked. The last thing they needed now was a massive civilian death count on their hands. </p><p>"Area secure, sir," came the hurried response. "Units already mobilizing."</p><p>"Don't let them forget I'm watching," Loki said, turning. "Rogers!"</p><p>"We're working on it," Steve said tightly. "Can't shake them."</p><p>"Keep me updated. Tony! Tell me you've got something on my brother."</p><p>"That's a negative," Tony's fingers were flying across the holo-keyboard. "If Thor had a copilot we might have a chance, but if he’s out of drift—unless you want to fly out and slap him—he's on his own."</p><p>Loki swore. "Notify me the second he re-establishes.” He raised the heavy comm device that was still in his hand. "Drax, give me good news."</p><p>A crackle of static and Drax rattled off details as the world slowed around him. Years of training kicked his brain into motion to absorb the details like a machine, but even though he felt wildly alert, the thoughts felt sluggish and panicky like he wasn’t operating at one-hundred percent. </p><p>But he’d made marshal for more than just looking good in the uniform. </p><p>“Make sure your troops know to steer clear of Lucky,” He said when Drax finished. “We don’t need to lose any more lives than we have to.”</p><p>Drax confirmed and Loki let his hand drop to his side. </p><p>“And we’re back!” Tony threw his hands up in victory at his station.</p><p>Loki shoved him aside.</p><p>“Thor, status!” he barked into the mic.</p><p>“Yeah,” There was static and the whine of feedback. Thor sounded winded. "Hey, Lokes, I'm here. I'm good."</p><p>Loki’s chest squeezed at the use of his nickname. </p><p>“About damn time,” he said. “What’s your status?”</p><p>A groan from the other end. “A little disoriented, but the Jaeger is fully operational. Just a little glitch.”</p><p>“Your definition of “little” concerns me,” Loki snapped, glancing at the video stream and watching Hela make her way towards him. “You’ve got company. The city is cleared and ground has been ordered to give you some space. Can you hold your own?”</p><p>Thor just snorted. </p><p>“Thor, I need a verbal,” he urged.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Thor’s voice was strained. “I’m not made of glass.”</p><p>He was lying of course. Loki felt his insides ice over with fear, but there was nothing he could do except—</p><p>“Give her hell.”</p><p>“Planning on it.”</p><p>Loki watched grimly as Thor brought the Jaeger to her full height and extended his hand to call Mjolnir to him. Ground forces fell into place like ants, piling up in neat rows along the bird’s eye of the city grid. They swarmed the side streets and effectively flanked the main thoroughfare that Thor was about to obliterate. </p><p>Steve’s voice cut through the air like a knife. “Widower is down!”</p><p>“And the Kaiju?” Loki demanded.</p><p>“We’ve got it under control,” Steve responded. “Just barely.”</p><p>“Requesting orders for extraction,” Tony called.</p><p>“How far out off the coast are they?” Loki asked, glancing at their screen. </p><p>“A mile out and south,” Tony said, looking at him for direction. </p><p>He shook his head. “Keep them there and keep them dark. Drop a pin for the other teams so they don’t run into her, but I don’t want them moving just yet. Get them back online if you can.”</p><p>Tony nodded. If they were out of the way it would be smarter to keep them dark and immobile. Kaiju were tough and with the exception of Hela, notoriously stupid. They wouldn’t be interested in an opponent that wasn’t moving. </p><p>“Rogers, update,” Loki barked. </p><p>“Target eliminated, sir,” Steve said, sounding relieved.</p><p>"Hey, um, we got a problem," Tony called.</p><p>Loki bit out the words acerbically, “By all means, share with the class.”</p><p>“Seismic activity is rising, well, it’s everywhere,” Tony waved a hand to indicate the whole screen. “I’m not really sure where to start first.”</p><p>Red flashes scrawled through the data web. Loki felt the temperature of the room plummet. He strode forward and looked over the holo screen. The room was dead silent, tense.  The readings were high. There were too many of them.</p><p>"Where is that?" He demanded.</p><p>Tony didn't respond immediately and Loki felt his temper spike.</p><p>“Stark!”</p><p>“Yeah, shit, um,” Tony shook his head. “They’re coming from, uh, as you can see, everywhere.”</p><p>"Explain."</p><p>"They're—" Tony blinked several times. "They're coming up from rifts. She's making rifts along the coast. God damn..."</p><p>The chair squeaked as he leaned back, stunned, running a hand across his face.</p><p>Loki leaned forward, his eyes darting across the screen, gathering information almost faster than he could process it. Tony was right, they were coming from everywhere. This was new. They'd never fought more than one or two Kaiju at a time and now there were—he did a quick headcount off the data spikes. There were five.</p><p>He should have felt panic. His stomach should have dropped to his feet in horror. It was thanks to years of training and years of living in Thor's shadow that a sense of calm flooded him instead.</p><p>"Drax," he said into the comm, not taking his eyes off the screen. "You've got company and you're going to need every last weapon you've got. Steve! Tony!" he rounded on the two of them and was pleased to find that they were already looking at him for direction. "Get your people in behind those rifts, I want you ready to roll as soon as these motherfuckers show their faces. Tony, when that Jaeger is back up and running you’re on catch up duty. Everybody else," he addressed the remaining personnel in the room, frozen in their place like they were waiting for the gun to go off at the beginning of a race. </p><p>He pressed his lips together in a thin line. "Well, don't make me tell you what to do."</p><p>The room exploded into motion.</p><p>Loki felt sick to his stomach. This was way beyond anything he'd ever seen. He was going to need backup. There was no way their current forces could handle the onslaught. It was too much.</p><p>"Tony," he snapped.</p><p>"What's up, boss?" Tony didn't even look up.</p><p>"I need the Air Force brought in. And get me a line to Marshal Heimdall. Quill won’t have the resources, but Heimdall just might."</p><p>"You got it."</p><p>The screen lit up furiously as Tony began typing in the code to get a long distance line to the Marshal up the coast.</p><p>Loki pulled a deep breath in through his nostrils and let it out slowly, feeling his eyes burn as his vision narrowed into hyper-focus. He could almost feel himself detach from the situation, hovering above it like a ghost, observing himself go through the motions. They needed help. A lot of help.</p><p>"Line is live," Tony said, glancing up.</p><p>Loki took the headset from him and fixed it around his ear. "Heimdall?"</p><p>The other Marshal's voice was deep and scratchy like he'd just woken up.</p><p>"Tell me I didn't wake up for nothing, Odinson."</p><p>"We both know you don’t sleep," Loki didn't waste time with niceties. “I need any and all backup you can spare.”</p><p>“I’ll have them there as soon as possible.”</p><p>A scant few more words between them and Loki secured three more Jaegers as backup, on the way from down the coast. Marshal Heimdall's force was a lot bigger than Loki's because he had jurisdiction over a much larger area. His backup was the entirety of Loki's team.</p><p>"Listen up!" He called to the room, pulling the headset out of his ear. "We have three units coming up from Mexico, but until then we're on our own. Hold the coast as best we can, we want those Kaiju away from the city." He turned. "Tony, status report."</p><p>"Still down. Standby," he said, the pitch in his voice was small but tense.</p><p>"Let me know when that changes," Loki said. "Rogers!"</p><p>"We're holding steady," Steve's voice was like a rock in a riverbed, steady and unwavering. </p><p>He would have made a good Marshal under different circumstances. </p><p>"Good."</p><p>"Thor's back on track," Tony said, low enough so that Loki was the only one who heard.</p><p>Loki spared the engineer a glance. So he hadn't been the only one who'd noticed Thor was slipping.</p><p>"Show me."</p><p>Tony blew Thor's feed up, splitting it between a direct view into the cockpit and the bird's eye view they got from satellite. His brother seemed to be back in the game, his face grim and determined behind the faceplate, on the surface unfazed by the fact that he'd just glitched out of drift for a solid fifteen minutes.</p><p>Loki drew in a long, steadying breath and let it out through his nose.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>Thor acknowledged the green swarm of ground units on his radar and shuffled it to the side of his HUD with a jerk of his head. They knew to stay out of the way. They'd trained for this, he assumed. In all his years on the force, he'd never been this far into the city in a Jaeger. He'd always managed to keep things in the water.<p>First time for everything, he supposed.</p><p>Still no sign of Mjolnir yet.</p><p>He crouched and scooped up a handful of cars from the road below. Hela lumbered towards him. He activated the elbow rocket at the last second when she couldn’t shift her trajectory and shoved the fist full of metal straight into that plated, ugly face. Alien body rippled as it absorbed the impact and a bellow tore from deep inside. He followed up with another fist and felt a rush of triumph as it landed square in the jaw.</p><p>It felt like he was back. He reached out and grabbed the flat crest on her head and wrenched it to the side, but her thick neck was too strong. Her claws dug into the ground beneath her, punching holes into the asphalt and concrete of the city, rooting her to the spot. An odd cackling sound erupted from her and the green along her sides and behind her frill began to pulse.</p><p>The spike of adrenaline that punched him in the chest didn't need to happen for him to know it wasn't good.</p><p>He yanked on the crest for momentum and pulled himself forward and to the side, just out of the way as a stream of virulent green spewed forth from her mouth. The ground melted in front of them.</p><p>The sound of Mjolnir whipped through his headset as it approached.</p><p>"About damn time you showed up," he groused, extending his hand to catch.</p><p>The energy coil in his chest hummed as he sent a giant charge into the head and swung a low arc. It connected with Hela's side and she shuddered.</p><p>"Heads up, we have air on approach," Tony said, his voice garbled with interference. "You say the word we lay into her."</p><p>"Like that's ever worked before," Thor grunted as Hela rolled sideways in an attempt to pin him to the building behind him.</p><p>Metal groaned against her in protest.</p><p>He pushed back, leaning into Mjolnir and letting electricity attempt to cook the Kaiju from the inside out. Steam rose from between the deadly spines, lit with an eerie green. Hela let out a piercing screech of rage and writhed beneath the hammer, but space was tight, preventing her from moving away. The smell of ozone and burned alien flesh rose in the air, making him gag.</p><p>A slice of pain.</p><p>
  <i>Green eyes. Dark curls. Heavy breath against his ear.</i>
</p><p>Thor squeezed his eyes shut and pushed harder.</p><p>
  <i>Clipped tones over the phone. A sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.</i>
</p><p>"You're flickering in and out, buddy," Tony said worriedly. "Talk to me."</p><p>"Standby, Thor," Loki said tersely. "Ground is going to intervene. Hold your position."</p><p>Thor knew better, his brother was in full crisis mode, he could hear it in the way he just barely clipped off the end of his words.</p><p>"Yeah, sure," he growled sarcastically as Hela's tail whipped by, missing the hull by mere inches. "I'll hang out here, no problem."</p><p>Loki didn't dignify him with a response.</p><p>"Patching a line through for ground," Tony said.</p><p>A brief moment of static. "Ground to Lucky Thunder."</p><p>"What's up," Thor grunted.</p><p>"Our convoy is ready to fire."</p><p>Hela jerked and he slammed backward, further into the building behind him. "Yeah, great, any day, now!"</p><p>"Sir, I—"</p><p>"For godssake, yes, clear! Clear to engage!" Thor said.</p><p>"Copy that. Firing."</p><p>The tell-tale pop of artillery sounded below. Thin puffs of smoke rose in the air where they struck into Hela's side. She shook her head, annoyed.</p><p>"Firing again, standby."</p><p>More pops. More smoke. Now that he was up close and personal with Hela, Thor could see the damage to her eye from their last battle, a deep gash that ran along her skull and across a hollowed out socket where one of those eerie, green eyes should have been.</p><p>Her tail whipped back and forth, splitting between one giant tail and four, her spikes rattling agitatedly. Thor was forcibly reminded of the cat Loki had secretly adopted and hid in his room when they were kids.</p><p>His HUD flickered.</p><p>Oh, for fucks sake. Thor yelled with effort and pushed. Hela struggled free, a hole sizzling where Mjolnir had been pressed to her side.</p><p>"Widower is back online," Val's voice streamed into his ear, more tense than he was used to hearing from her. "Hang in there, Thor, we're on our way."</p><p>"Wonderful," Thor groaned.</p><p>Hela bounded out of reach. Thor dug his feet into the ground and dove to his left away from her and towards the coast, scrambling to move out of the city. Below him the faint cacophony of car alarms protested at the impact and continued destruction around them.</p><p>They were making a mess. Loki was going to be pissed.</p><p>He forced his legs into motion and sprinted towards the coast. The faint lights of a bridge gleamed in the distance, beautiful and in danger of being destroyed at any moment. Beyond that he could see the roiling movement of an ocean at war. He could just make out the outline of <i>Drifter</i>, agile and lethal, darting in and out of battle with two kaiju. He realized he'd been hearing Sam and Bucky's dialogue over the comm this whole time and somehow tuned it out. Just in front of them, Val and Sif were locked in hand-to-hand with another as more circled below.</p><p>Pain pierced the back of his skull and he couldn't hold back a cry.</p><p>
  <i>Darkness. A familiar ache in the pit of his stomach.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Promise me we die together," Loki whispered.</i>
</p><p>He slammed back into the Jaeger. He was shaking now, his body protesting as he re-established drift again. The air around him was cold, even in the temperature controlled cockpit.</p><p>"Thor," Loki's voice was low and controlled in his ear.</p><p>Memory and reality merged together and he frowned in confusion as the rest of his brother's words faded in and out of his mind. This didn't seem right.</p><p>"Loki?" he asked.</p><p>"Thor, watch out!" Sif's voice rang out like a gunshot.</p><p>The ground was shaking beneath him. He turned just in time to see Hela's thick claws extended toward him. He reacted instinctively, arching backward and bringing Mjolnir up in defense. Hela slammed into it and a shock wave rippled out from the impact. </p><p>He windmilled back, flailing as his other hand dipped into the water beside him, grasping for something else to use as a weapon. His hand closed around something big and he caught the words <i>Royal Princess</i> printed in big blue letters along the side as he swung it like a baseball bat. </p><p>Metal crunched and Hela's giant head snapped to the side, sending green spittle flying everywhere. She snuffed and snorted, swiping at him with her claws. Thor ducked and she missed. Then her mouth opened in a giant yawn of sorts, a deep cackle bubbling up from within.</p><p>Oh, hell no. Not again.</p><p>Thor wrenched the boat back up, twisting his torso to add speed as he brought it back around in a backhand. Green sprayed from Hela's mouth in a crescent as he made contact, batting her away from him, melting the dock below. Thor pressed his advantage and kicked out, catching one massive leg and bringing Mjolnir around to strike, humming with electricity.</p><p>Hela's spikes were ready and waiting for him. They shot upward, turning Hela into a lethal ball of spines and acid, catching Thor off guard.</p><p>
  <i>Damnit!</i>
</p><p>He heard the whistle of her four tails and they caught <i>Lucky</i> straight in the chest. He jerked forward.</p><p>Pain. Hell, not again—</p><p>
  <i>A soft press of lips to his ear. "I love you."</i>
</p><p>FLASH.</p><p>
  <i>A gut wrenching cry. Anger. Pain. A hollow feeling in his gut.</i>
</p><p>FLASH.</p><p>
  <i>Wicked eyes, narrow beneath heavy, dark lashes, ice cold and dangerous. Loveless.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Don't test me, brother."</i>
</p><p>He was drowning.</p><p>Reality punched the air out of his lungs and he crashed back into the jaeger. His ears rang. He dimly heard his brother's voice around him. Then Tony's. Then Val and Sif. Even Bucky's voice wound up in there. Why was everybody talking to him at once?</p><p>Around him metal groaned and jerked him around like a rag doll. His entire body screamed in protest, but he straightened and shoved his hands back into their control disks.</p><p>Lucky groaned beneath him as he powered up Mjolnir, looking around blearily.</p><p>Hela was crouched in front of him, evaluating him with a sinister set of multiple eyes that peered out from between hardened scales of armor. He sent a bolt her way just as her tail whipped up like a scorpion's and sent a hail of spines his way.</p><p>"Thor, watch out!"</p><p>The warning came just a second too late. A spike punctured through the HUD and lodged itself into the back of the pod, severing cables and sending the entire system into disarray.</p><p>His head whipped around as cables sprang free and flailed about. He felt a searing pain snap across his face and something warm and wet fell down his cheek. The taste of hot copper filled his mouth.</p><p>Alarms blared to life.</p><p>The words <i>[DRIFT MALFUNCTION]</i> blinked urgently at him from the screen.</p><p>Somebody was screaming. It took him a moment to realize the voice was his own.</p><p>Loki’s face was the last thing he saw before his world went black.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>On deck, the room was in chaos. Everybody was scrambling to hold their own, skating by on instinct and training now, there was no time left for thinking. Loki might have been proud. Proud of the way his team was carrying themselves through the biggest battle of their lives in a manner he might have only wished for in the privacy of his own mind.<p>Maybe in another lifetime he would be.</p><p>Right now he was pissed. He could feel his throat turning raw from speaking so fast. Officers wove around him in a frantic wave of military efficiency. He could have cut through the air with a single blunt pinky nail for the amount of tension strung about.</p><p>His hair curled at the base of his neck, just barely too long and on the edge of needing a trim. He could feel the sweat beneath his uniform, sliding down his back and making the palms of his hands clammy where they gripped three different comms in a vise so tight it threatened to crush them.</p><p>Then things went to hell.</p><p>He watched in slow motion as a thick spine pierced through his brother's jaeger straight through the visor. It was only thanks to his training his brother's name didn't tear from his lungs in a scream. People thought his relationship to his brother was distant, cold, even. And maybe it was. God knew, he had more days where he hated his brother than the other way around, but it didn't change the fact that Thor was the one who carried him through thick and thin when nobody else did. Even now.</p><p>"Tony!" he cried at the engineer, panic fueling his anger.</p><p>"I see it, I see it," Tony said tightly. "I'm doing everything I can."</p><p>His arms were a blur on the keypad and the holoscreen, moving like a man possessed. </p><p>In the back of his head he heard Steve's frantic orders as he guided Sam and Bucky. The string of tension in his voice was high, but he was rock solid as they fought and dragged the Kaiju away.</p><p>Loki was moving before he had a chance to think. He slammed the equipment in his hands down onto the desk and snatched the comm from Tony.</p><p>"Lucky, status!"</p><p>"His comms are down," Tony said, shaking his head while staring at the screen.</p><p>"Lucky, report in!"</p><p>"Marshal, he can't hear you."</p><p>"Thor!"</p><p>"Loki, there's nothing you can do," Tony said firmly, gently taking the comm away from him.</p><p>Loki held back a scream of frustration and instead, punched the desk, sending a container of pens flying. If anybody noticed, they didn't say anything. His knuckles smarted and he focused on the pain to ground himself. He glared at the screen, straining to see Thor in the fuzzy video and getting nothing from it. </p><p>"Rogers!"</p><p>"Sir!"</p><p>"Have your team cover my brother until extraction arrives."</p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>It felt like somebody had ripped his soul from his body and left him there. The world was all one massive horror show going in slow motion around him.</p><p>"Hey, I’m sure he’s alright," Tony said in a low voice, meant only for his ears. "He’s tough.”</p><p>Loki felt his hackles rise and said icily, “Do me a favor and keep your pathetic platitudes to yourself and do your job, Stark.”</p><p>Tony regarded him with the same kind of look their father sometimes used when he knew his boys hadn't been truthful. Loki was horrified to find that it struck a chord in him. An invisible hand squeezed at his chest, but Tony relented and simply gave him a strong pat on the shoulder and turned back to his station.</p><p>Later he would remember that it was Drifter that managed to get the upper hand on Hela after reinforcements arrived and obliterated the Kaiju crawling up out of the brand new rifts. Air support managed to drive the remaining beasts back into their rifts and finally Hela slithered back into one as well. Then the rifts snapped closed as one, leaving the ocean there to lap at itself as if nothing had happened. </p><p>He stuck through it all, giving orders he wouldn’t remember giving as soon as they left his lips. People were counting on him to lead them through the end of this fight when all he wanted to do was be rendered unconscious until it was over. He didn't want to be in charge, he wanted Thor and he wanted to beat him senseless and scream at him for being so reckless and <i>stupid</i> like he always was.</p><p>"Hey," Tony was at his side again, unflappable but transparent. "Extraction has Thor, they're bringing him back now."</p><p>Loki's breath threatened to hitch on him. "Is he—?"</p><p>The question hung in the air.</p><p>"He's alive," Tony reassured him. "They're bringing him into Bay 3. You should go. We just need to organize cleanup. Steve can take over."</p><p>Across the way Steve nodded, a single, steadfast movement. Loki felt betrayed. Had he not done a superb job? Had he not just led them all through a successful, if grueling fight only to be met with this? </p><p>He swelled in rage, “Do not presume to tell me how to run my command."</p><p>"Nobody is telling you how to do anything,” Steve said, his own voice a bit rough. “We’re just saying the option is there if you want it.”</p><p>Loki quelled the rage. He wanted nothing more than to be out of this stifling, terrible room and he wanted to see his brother’s stupid, <i>stupid</i> face. He knew Steve couldn't technically give him orders, but if there was one thing the blonde meatsack could do it was interject and get his point across without stepping on toes when necessary. For once, he was grateful for the other man.</p><p>"Bay three is open to receive,” Tony said, glancing at the screen. “They’re bringing him in now.”</p><p>Loki was gone before he knew it, out the doors and off the bridge without remembering he'd agreed to anything. As the doors hissed closed behind him he heard Steve take command.</p><p>He took a few uncertain steps down the metal hallway.</p><p>And then he broke into a run.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i was honestly going to try and cut this chapter in half so that it was more readable, but it really had to be done in a single go. it goes down about as smoothly as a shot of well tequila, right? lmao. </p><p>thanks for sticking it out with me! saturday will bring some answers you've been wanting!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>no pain, no gain?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit // Medical Bay</strong>
</p><p>The fluorescent lights cast a yellow and sickly glow along the corridors. It was the detail he would remember the most when he remembered it later. It was a long way to bay three, but Loki didn’t stop running until he had reached the top of the stairs, just in time for the heavy seal on the comm pod to fall away.</p><p>His breath was loud in his ears as he fought through too many bodies to get inside and what he saw made his heart stop. </p><p>Thor hung limp from his harness, blood dripping from a crushed visor. He looked dead. What little rationale Loki had left kicked in. He fought the urge to bolt and reached shaking hands towards broken glass.</p><p>“No, no, no, don’t do this to me, you bastard,” he pleaded softly. “Please don’t do this—”</p><p>“Sir, step back.”</p><p>Loki jerked. “Don’t touch me!”</p><p>“Sir, if you don’t step back, we can’t help him.”</p><p>Some part of him understood that the med team would be more helpful than he was. He didn’t fight as warm hands guided him aside. He caught himself on ruined cabling that hung from the ceiling and gripped it until he thought it might slice through his hand. They had to cut Thor out of the harness and made quick work of it with precision plasma tools. Thor sagged forward as they released him and transferred him onto a stretcher. </p><p>Loki prayed to every god he’d ever known. </p><p>He had never believed in a higher power other than his brother and the last several years none at all. What he would give to be wrong. </p><p>It was all he could do to keep himself from vomiting. Thor wasn't invincible, and god, Loki had certainly seen him through his fair share of blood and broken bones, but this was different. </p><p>He followed the med team down the hallway. Blood oozed from Thor’s face into his sweat slicked hair, already thick and matted with red. It was all Loki needed to feel small and insignificant. Strange how family could do that to a person. One minute he was the world's most feared and revered Marshal in the war against alien life, and the very next he was reduced to a tiny, terrified boy who got tucked beneath his brother's arm when storms raged against their bedroom window.</p><p>Loki vaguely registered a nurse prying Thor's hand from his and wondered when he'd grabbed it. Heavy doors swung shut in front of him and suddenly he was alone, standing numbly by himself in the little waiting room, his arms dangling uselessly at his sides.</p><p>Somewhere, faintly in the back of his mind he knew he needed to leave. He couldn't be seen in a crisis, he couldn’t be seen vulnerable...</p><p>
  <i>Ground into the present. Count five things you can see.</i>
</p><p>It was a rule he’d learned in middle school from one of the kids in detention, what was his name...Peter? Pietro? Something like that.</p><p>
  <i>Five things.</i>
</p><p>"Marshal."</p><p>The voice came from far away, like sound traveling under water.</p><p>His head snapped up abruptly. “I was just leaving.”</p><p>He didn’t pause to look at whoever it was, the less people who saw him like this the better.</p><p>"Sir, wait.”</p><p>Loki paused just out of the reach of the automatic sensors for the doors. It was a nurse. He was young, maybe early twenties. He definitely couldn't have been more than six months past college—the war hadn't yet killed that light that danced in his soft, serious brown eyes and the spring in the curls on his head. God, he was so young. How had he ended up here of all places?</p><p>"Sir, there's an observation deck if you want to stay."</p><p>His voice was a gentle thing, but firm as well. Clearly he'd been in the job long enough to know his way around trauma. Loki tried to say something but all he could do was stare blankly as he processed the words over and over in his head. <i>There's an observation deck if you want to stay.</i></p><p>Eventually the kid took pity on him and, with a strong hand on his tricep, guided Loki to a small side door with a short, narrow set of stairs that opened up into a small room with a couple chairs, a small bed, and an intercom that blinked dully from the corner. There were big windows that stretched from floor to ceiling overlooking the operating room.</p><p>Thor was on the table in the operating room below, needles already in his arms attached to bags of fluid, they were making quick work of getting his armor off. Blood stained the floor. </p><p>Loki felt sick all over again.</p><p>Next to him, the nurse seemed hesitant.</p><p>"Speak if you have something to say," Loki said dully.</p><p>"I was just curious when you last ate, sir," the kid said, surprisingly sure and candid.</p><p>Loki frowned. Eating seemed like such a normal, boring thing to be concerned about. And yet—</p><p>"Does it matter?"</p><p>"It will when he wakes up and wants to see you," the nurse said pointedly, tilting his head towards the operating room. </p><p>Loki looked at him. It was a beautiful sentiment, but he knew Thor would not be asking for him when he woke up and Loki already knew he would not be there.</p><p>"If you sit down I'll get you something," the nurse insisted, pointing at the soft seat behind him, his scrubs rustling as he moved to leave.</p><p>"What's your name?" Loki asked, almost automatically.</p><p>"Eir," was the response.</p><p>Loki regarded him through a heavy sheet of numbness. "Thank you, Eir."</p><p>A brief smile and then Eir was gone. Loki waited until the door closed to press his forehead against the cool glass, morbidly captivated by the sight of Thor lying motionless amongst the swift and proficient hands of Dr. Foster’s medical team. He knew he shouldn’t watch, it wasn’t an image he wanted in his head, but he couldn’t make himself look away.</p><p>It made him feel a number of things, but mostly he wrestled against the fact that none of them were new feelings, they were simply ones he’d stored away a long time ago and never bothered to dust off and reexamine. He couldn’t come to terms with the fact that he had spent more than a decade wishing his brother were elsewhere, out of his life, and now he couldn’t help but hate the mere concept of a life without him.</p><p>He left before Eir came back. The adrenaline finally faded from his system, leaving him to wander along the quiet hallways in a fog of exhaustion. At some point he thought he ran into Bucky and Steve, their concerned faces flickered vaguely in his memory when he found himself back in his own quarters. There was a glass of water and a sandwich on his bedside table, along with a pair of pajamas that had a note on top that read: <i>Eat something, drink ALL the water, and go to bed. We turned off your alarms. Steve will handle rounds tomorrow. SLEEP! Love, Barnes and Rogers.</i></p><p>It should have annoyed him to be coddled, but instead he found it unbearably thoughtful and suddenly all the weight from the events the last several weeks came crashing down on him. Ignoring the stiff fabric of his uniform cutting into his skin, he curled into a ball and turned off the lights as if the darkness would hide his silent sobs from himself.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>The next few days passed in a fog. He was only semi-certain he was putting up a good front, but every time he retired to his room he couldn’t remember for the life of him what he had done or said all day. What he did notice was how every time he turned there was somebody else there. Bucky was there with food, Steve was there with extra coffee at meetings, Tony was there with terrible jokes; even Val, who had a suspicious if distantly affectionate relationship with him, stopped by with alcohol and real glass tumblers. She didn’t exactly ask to come in, but Loki decided it was okay when she poured heavy and handed it to him without a word. It shouldn’t have surprised him to find that Val had excellent taste in liquor.<p>It did surprise him that any of them did anything at all. He was well aware he wasn’t the kind of person to instill the warmest feelings in others and it almost felt nice to know that people didn’t hate him. </p><p>Above all, he avoided the medical ward. Distantly he recognized that he should be there, that it was the right thing to do, but every time he even thought about taking the steps down the path that would lead him there, he turned the other way. </p><p>But it was bound to happen eventually.</p><p>It had been a while, maybe days for all he knew, when Dr. Foster called him into her office. It was a very clinical looking room—informational posters were tacked to the walls and brochures sat forlornly in a rusting metal box by the door. Nothing to indicate anything about Dr. Foster herself, unless you counted the poster of the constellations that hung behind her chair. She looked frazzled when he entered, still sitting there in her lab coat with a mask hanging off one ear like she’d forgotten what she was doing halfway through taking it off. There were deep purple stains beneath her eyes and her normally neat hair was floating in frizzy tufts around her face, but she looked relieved.</p><p>“Marshal,” she said, looking up with the ghost of a smile when he rapped his knuckles gently on the open door. “Thanks for coming.”</p><p>Loki folded his arms and leaned against the wall. “How is he?”</p><p>“Your brother is tough,” she said. “I thought I might have trouble keeping him stable, but he made it through just fine. Do you have a moment to go over his condition? I actually have a couple of questions for you.”</p><p>That was something he would be next to useless for. He knew many things about his brother but his medical history was not one of them, not to mention—</p><p>“Am I even allowed to talk to you about him?” he asked delicately.</p><p>He wasn’t keen to discuss his brother, whom he had just now resumed hating. Now that the threat of losing him had faded, he was remembering all the reasons why he despised him, not the least of which was his complete irresponsibility as both a pilot and teammate.</p><p>"He listed you as his emergency contact," Jane told him. "And he signed a release so I can talk to you.”</p><p>It shouldn’t have surprised him, they were the only family they had left, but Loki was still taken aback. He figured his brother would name one of his friends instead or leave it blank, like he had. Guilt settled in the pit of his stomach. He had always known their hatred for each other was unequally weighted, but he’d become comfortable assuming Thor hated him as much as he did.</p><p>“What do I need to know,” he asked.</p><p>Dr. Foster raised a thin brow. “Sit down and I’ll tell you. I don’t like you hovering over there in the doorway.”</p><p>Loki sat.</p><p>“Okay,” she said, tucking hair behind her ear and looking down at the handful of mismatched papers on her desk. “So, we didn’t save all of him.”</p><p>He grimaced. </p><p>“I tried, but there was so much damage to his eye, there wasn’t much left to save. Other than that, it was a relatively shallow hit so strangely enough, that’s the worst of it. No lasting brain damage. No concussion." She pressed her lips together. “Physically, he’s fine. I’ll be better informed once he wakes up and I can run neurological tests.”</p><p>On one hand it was like watching somebody else get suckerpunched on the playground, not his problem and only painful in a distant sort of way if he chose to empathize. On the other hand, Thor’s ability to use a Jaeger was very much his problem.</p><p>"I have to ask," Dr. Foster said. "Did he talk to you about experiencing any kind of symptoms the past couple of months? Headaches? Problems in the drift?"</p><p>And there it was. Loki scrubbed at his face.</p><p>"He didn't say anything, no," he answered. "But he's been having trouble keeping a solid connection."</p><p>Dr. Foster hummed thoughtfully. "Did nothing show up on his simulation logs?"</p><p>"Nothing out of the norm."</p><p>"Interesting."</p><p>Loki looked at her and sighed deeply. "Just tell me."</p><p>"I sent his imaging and chart notes to neurology for an opinion—understand we won't know for sure until he wakes up—but they're suggesting he's been having drift issues for a much longer period of time than the last several hours. Has he ever had a seizure before?"</p><p>Loki shook his head.</p><p>"Had issues with memory? Tremors? Loss of sensation or numbness on one side?"</p><p>Loki shook his head again, an involuntary shuffle of memories flashing through his mind’s eye in hopes of remembering anything out of the norm. The video logs had shown nothing, meaning if Thor had been experiencing anything unusual, he had taken great pains to hide it from him with a level of cunning Loki did not expect from him. </p><p>Dr. Foster pushed a brochure at him, one that entailed red flag symptoms for pilots. "We saw these kinds of symptoms at the beginning of the Jaeger program, before the two-pilot system became mainstream. He shouldn't be able to pilot a Jaeger alone to begin with, so he is an anomaly in that respect, but for him to have gone so long without absolutely collapsing is, frankly, astounding."</p><p>Loki shook his head incredulously. It was all so typical. Thor and his fucking invincible ego. It was a good thing he hadn't died on that table because Loki was going to kill him.</p><p>“Will he still be able to pilot?”</p><p>"That’s the question, isn’t it," Dr. Foster sat back in her chair. "But I won’t know until he wakes up and I can run more tests.”</p><p>Of course. </p><p>“He's stable though, if you’d like to see him,” she added.</p><p>Loki smiled blandly and got up. “I have other things to attend to. Thank you, Doctor.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>It smelled sterile when Thor came to. The acrid smell of antiseptics and hospital laundry filled his nose and sent his mind into an instant panic. His eyes flew open. Oh god, something was wrong. His vision was all wrong.<p>He couldn't see.</p><p>He shot up out of bed and pain shot along one side of his body from his neck all the way down to his toes. He cried out and fell back against the bed. His heart beat a rapid tattoo against his ribs, making the machine next to him start to scream wildly. He raised his hands to his face, shaking as he pressed his fingertips into the skin of his cheeks and tentatively made his way up until he felt the soft fabric of a bandage over his right eye.</p><p>Okay, so there was a bandage. This was fine, he could just—his fingers found the edge of the adhesive and tugged. The bandage fell away and his vision remained the same. Why was it still the same? His heart hammered in his throat as he reached a tentative two fingers up toward the space, afraid of what he might find.</p><p>He touched on a gnarled patch of skin where his eye should have been and promptly blacked out.</p><p>Later he learned he'd lost the eye to an electrical burn. Tony stopped by with his helmet to show him just what exactly had happened (although Thor would bet money it was just to complain about the ruined tech). See, under normal circumstances the electric charge would have just shot straight through the suit and grounded into the Jaeger without harming Thor at all. The gold plating in the visor had made it to where—</p><p>"Like I'm five, Tony," Thor sighed impatiently, glowering at him from where he sat uselessly on the bed, one arm crossed against his chest, the other raised to trace the scarring that tracked down his cheek and into his beard.</p><p>Tony looked at him like he was the dumbest thing since rocks, equally exasperated. "You got electrocuted. Your visor went bye-bye."</p><p>"I do remember a bright white light," Thor deadpanned.</p><p>"That would be the electrical anomaly."</p><p>"Really? And here I was thinking it was Valhalla."</p><p>"Yeah, well, we all know when it's your time to go you're getting fire and brimstone."</p><p>"That might have been the less shitty option,” Thor said morosely. </p><p>Tony shrugged, not necessarily disagreeing. “Listen, I’ll look into replacement eyeballs, but we’re still a ways behind on the biological tech for that. In the meantime, I can offer you a one-of-a-kind eyepatch from Stark Industries?”</p><p>“What’s it gonna cost me?”</p><p>Tony's lips twitched, “Since you asked so nicely, I’ll do it as a favor. One friend to another.”</p><p>“And be in debt to you? I don’t think so.”</p><p>Thor leaned his head back gingerly against the bed but he was smiling. He was grateful his friend had stopped by. </p><p>Eventually they moved him from the main med bay to the recovery ward. No matter how Thor complained about it, Dr. Foster and Eir were firm; he had to stay until he passed his neuro evaluation. The days melted into one another, a giant and uncomfortable blob of physical therapy, pain, Eri with needles, and what felt like thousands of pointless evaluations. </p><p>He didn’t miss the fact that he hadn’t seen Loki since he woke up and this knowledge sat in the back of his head like an old splinter, not always conscious, but there and uncomfortable nonetheless.</p><p>"So, when I pass that neuro test I can leave, right?" Thor asked one day, he was walking across the small physical therapy gym, placing one heel in front of his toes in a straight line.</p><p>It was supposed to help him with balance or something.</p><p>"Focus," Eir said, watching his progress, his brows making a soft 'V' in the center of his forehead.</p><p>"This is ridiculous," Thor threw his hands in the air and stopped, turning to face the nurse. "I can walk in a fucking straight line, okay? I could be doing something useful."</p><p>"Like what?" Eir made a mark on his clipboard.</p><p>"Training in simulations, for starters," Thor gestured wildly. "Anything other than this."</p><p>"Great!" Eir clapped his hands together and pointed to the cables. "We'll move on, then."</p><p>Thor eyed the shitty cable machine. "That's not what I meant."</p><p>"Oh, I'm very aware," Eir clipped an attachment to the cable and adjusted the pin for the lightest weight on the stack. He put it in Thor's hand. "And this is training."</p><p>"This is such bullshit," Thor muttered, but took it and began working through a set.</p><p>"You have some mild left-sided weakness, this is how you get through that."</p><p>"I've always been weaker on my left, it's my non-dominant side."</p><p>Eir ignored him and counted his reps until he reached twenty. "Two more sets and you can be done for the day."</p><p>"If I do two more sets will you clear me for regular training?" Thor pressed. "In a normal gym?"</p><p>"Sure," Eir agreed. He tucked the clipboard beneath his arm and smiled cheerfully. "As soon as you pass your evaluation."</p><p>Thor sighed and began his second set. He knew needling Eir would get him nowhere and the nurse didn't actually have the authority to release him, but he had the unfortunate reality of being the only available target for all of Thor's pent up frustrations. And he was pent up.</p><p>He passed his neuro test the following day.</p><p>"Take it easy," Dr. Selvig said seriously, peering at him over thick glasses from behind the holoscreen. "You've been experiencing issues for a long time, you need to take things slow."</p><p>Thor nodded, practically vibrating out of his seat, already fully intending on ignoring every word that came out of the doctor's mouth. What the hell was "taking it easy," anyway? Stupid. He'd been cooped up for weeks and he felt fine.</p><p>“Thor, did you hear me?”</p><p>“Hm?” Thor tore his gaze away from the little crystal paperweight on his desk that was full of mini rainbows inside from the light. </p><p>Dr. Selvig held his gaze for a long moment as if he were sizing him up. “I said I’d recommend against a simulator until we see you again in a week for follow up.”</p><p>“Absolutely, sir,” Thor said blithely. </p><p>The scarring along his cheek pulled tightly as he grinned. </p><p>Dr. Selvig didn’t look the least bit convinced, but he agreed to mark Thor as tentatively released for activity. Thor barely waited for him to say goodbye before terminating the call and almost trampling a gaggle of cadets in his hurry to get to his quarters and resume normal life.</p><p>His heart pounded nervously in his chest, anticipating all the worst as he traversed the halls back toward his quarters. He'd spent the past five years at this base and yet somehow losing half his field of vision made it feel like a brand new compound. </p><p>Thankfully it was mid-morning, which meant that most people would be in the mess hall or in training. Good. The less people he had to run into, the less people he had to explain himself to.</p><p>True to his predictions, the gym was virtually empty when he showed up, feeling very much out of place and out of sorts after so much time away. Cardio exhausted him, even though he had to get on a stationary bike instead of running like he normally did. He was at least responsible enough to concede that his balance still wasn't back up to par and that running on a treadmill might end very badly for him. He begrudgingly powered his way through sprints on the bike until he was sweating in places he didn't know he could sweat.</p><p>He probably should have stopped there, but his loss of progress fueled him to hit the weights. They felt heavier today, a lot heavier, but he pushed through out of sheer stubborn will. Losing half his sight had been a brutal blow, but it wasn’t something he couldn’t overcome. By the time he was done he could barely walk without his legs buckling.</p><p>Steve and Bucky ran into him in the locker room on his way to the showers. Or rather he ran into them on their way out, damp and bringing a cloud of steam with them. Bucky had a tiny, regulation towel slung around his waist and an arm slung over his husband's giant shoulders. Steve looked flustered but happy, his cheeks pink in a way that didn’t come from being in a hot shower.</p><p>Thor raised his brows in a question he didn't need answered.</p><p>"Well, if it isn't Thor Odinson alive and upright," Bucky said with a roguish tilt of his head.</p><p>Thor felt tension leave his shoulders at the distinctly normal greeting. He turned to enter a combination into his designated lock.</p><p>“What, did you miss me that much, Barnes?</p><p>Bucky snorted as he walked past, unwinding his arm from Steve and reaching for his mechanical one where it hung from the side of his locker. All he had to do was line it up and the metal that was welded to the skin and bone of his shoulder would do the rest. It twisted itself into place with a metallic whir and a click.</p><p>"Discharged from the med bay already?" Steve asked him, frowning as he went to his own locker. "That's pretty fast. Did they already clear you for training?"</p><p>"Yeah," Thor said, refusing to elaborate. Technically he had been cleared. “They said I had a remarkable recovery.”</p><p>"Sorry about the eye."</p><p>"Thanks, it's a real bitch on balance."</p><p>"Yeah, I can't imagine."</p><p>"Well, you do look more warrior and less prom king now, if that makes a difference," Bucky said, pulling on a shirt.</p><p>"Damn, there goes this year's nomination," Thor said dryly, gathering his things in one arm. "Hey, before I go in here, which shower did you guys use so I know which one to avoid?"</p><p>Steve coughed loudly and flushed pink across the bridge of his nose.</p><p>Bucky just grinned at him wolfishly, "Aw, Thor, you know we don't kiss and tell."</p><p>Thor barked a laugh and shook his head, walking away but not before he flipped both of them off.</p><p>Walking the halls afterward was an experience and he was annoyed to find that they felt new to him. He would have bruises on his hips for weeks from running into railings.</p><p>On second thought—he checked his watch, a perpetual motion piece his father had given both Loki and him upon entering high school—it was only 1130 and he wanted company. Even though they'd visited him in the med ward, he missed his friends.</p><p>It didn't take long before he'd somehow managed to rope Sam into crashing at Sif and Val's quarters for a drink and some hot dogs he managed to smuggle from the mess hall after a little bit of careful planning on Sam's part. Bucky also ended up catching them and trailed along after them, a butterfly knife zipping through the air at inhuman speed as he played with it absently in his hand.</p><p>Val’s door was perpetually open and she was blasting rap at the loudest acceptable level her shitty speakers would allow when they got there. She didn’t even look surprised to see them, and simply snagged a beer from him and waved them all in. She and Sif had secured one of the few coveted doubles in the compound and they had significantly more space than the rest of them, making it the most ideal location for hang outs. </p><p>As they settled in Thor felt his excitement turn sour as an anxious simmer settled somewhere deep in his gut. He loved his friends and he wanted desperately to want to be with them right now, but even as he kicked back and laughed, and drank the first good beer he'd had in weeks and joked about his missing eye, the feeling gnawed at him.</p><p>He wanted to run a simulation. He had to know if he could do it.</p><p>He shook his head as if to clear the thought and tried to immerse himself in the moment, but his interest in the conversation waned until Steve caught him fiddling with a nonexistent thread on the seam of his pants, his leg bouncing agitatedly. </p><p>“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” his friend asked, his eyes deep with concern. </p><p>Thor stopped his leg. “Yes, of course. Why do you ask?”</p><p>Steve gave him a look. “Come on, Thor. You haven’t participated in a conversation in at least fifteen minutes, and you’re practically crawling out of your skin over here.”</p><p>Thor watched as Val said something and Sif erupted into laughter. He sighed. </p><p>“I want to be here,” he said. “Hell, I suggested it, but it might have been too soon.”</p><p>It was a blatant lie and Steve had to know, but he simply nodded and took another sip of his beer before responding. </p><p>“Well, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” he said at length, giving Thor the implicit permission he needed to leave. “But I don’t think anybody will notice if you slip out right now.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Thor said, pushing himself up by his knees. “Thanks, man. I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p><p>“Sure.” </p><p>Steve raised his beer and winked at him as he left. </p><p>Thor left to the rising tones of a rousing discussion about the wall initiative (which they all agreed upon and somehow still found a way to argue loudly about), while a lightly inebriated Sif climbed happily onto Val's lap.</p><p>"Damn, it only took her one beer," Bucky said, watching with the dispassionate air of somebody settling on the least terrible channel on cable.</p><p>Thor smiled fondly and left them, the sounds of their familiar voices following him down the hall until he was alone again. That hollow pit at the base of his gut had somehow gotten larger, leaving him hollow and insecure at best. A very small voice inside told him to be good and obey the doc’s advice, but behaving wasn't his strong suit and neither was patience.</p><p>He made a split decision and strode the hallways until he got to the training halls, forgetting he would have to pass the dojo on the way there. Well, not really, he knew he'd have to pass them, he just forgot it would involve seeing his brother whom he was inclined to want to beat up right about now. It was hard for him to admit it, but he was deeply offended that Loki hadn't had the decency to check in on him once. Given, they weren't on the best of terms by a long shot, but they were brothers and they used to be more, that should have counted for something.</p><p>There was a shout and the clack of staffs colliding. Thor slowed and paused in the shadows of the hallway in time to see Loki deftly use a staff to flip one of his cadets. A surge of anger flooded his veins at the sight of him. The gall of him, acting like nothing had happened.</p><p>Thor indulged in the feeling for the briefest of moments, for once allowing himself to wallow in his hurt. To greedily drink in the lines of his brother's striated muscle and let his resentment turn it to poison. Not for the first time, Thor wondered if he'd been the reason his little brother turned out the way he did. </p><p>Loki disarmed another student and flipped him over his back to land with the resounding slap of flesh against the mat. Sharp words of admonishment hissed through the air like fire.</p><p>Then again, maybe Loki had been this savage all along and Thor had been too blinded by love to see it, ironically. And maybe he was here struggling with his feelings like a goddamned idiot when his brother had all but moved on. Thor shoved the thought away as it threatened to overwhelm him. </p><p>He made sure Loki was still thoroughly invested in the class and took the opportunity to slip past unnoticed toward the drift simulator rooms.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div><p>Loki pulled a small towel around his neck and set his weighted training staff into place along the wall. He was tired and disappointed. Some days he was immensely proud of his students. Today was not one of those days and he was feeling particularly drained after tonight's session. These students were supposedly up for drift compatibility skirmishes so they could be cleared for the field and they were far from ready. Loki wouldn't trust a single one of them as a partner in the field and it was his responsibility to get them to the point where he would.</p><p>He never released a student into the force without being absolutely sure he would trust them in the field to some capacity. These kids didn't even break even. He knew his standards were high, but they were high for a reason.</p><p>He sighed and for the millionth time that evening his mind wandered back to Thor. Some part of him knew he should visit his brother in the ward, and another softer part of him hoped that Thor might even be glad to see him. But the rest of him knew that wasn't true because Thor was perfectly happy with his friends. There was no need for Loki anymore.</p><p>But once upon a time they had been everything to each other. He ripped the towel from his shoulders with unnecessary force and flung it to the ground. It landed with a supremely unsatisfying flop.</p><p>Loki's memory wasn't so strained that he couldn't remember the promises they had made to each other when they were young and helplessly in love. The rebellious streak in him grasped the threads of those memories with a vengeance, refusing to let them go no matter how hard he tried to forget.</p><p>He stalked across the floor to the punching board. It was very old-school, just a plank of wood lashed to a set of beams with a worn pad attached to it at chest height. Dirty pieces of duct tape held it fast, the pad itself was stained with the sweat and blood of thousands of fists, many of which Loki had placed there himself. It wasn't soft by any means, it was meant to hurt if your technique was only a fraction unbalanced. He'd spent many hours in front of it, perfecting his technique. It no longer hurt, but he wanted it to. </p><p>The board snapped against his knuckles.</p><p>“Sir?”</p><p>The sound of somebody else’s voice dimly registered in his mind.</p><p>“Sir!”</p><p>He felt the skin across his knuckles split and loosen. He stopped and turned.</p><p>It was a young first year panting heavily, clearly having sprinted to find him, and looking absolutely petrified. They all did around him.</p><p>“Speak,” Loki said, straightening and letting his hands fall to his sides.</p><p>"Sir, Dr. Foster sent me. She wants you in the med bay right away."</p><p>Loki's heart squeezed violently. "Thanks."</p><p>The cadet looked relieved and practically bolted from the floor to get away from him. Loki had worked the better part of his lifetime to cultivate that kind of response from others and it gave him no joy tonight, other than the silence as he tried not to panic and all but sprinted to the med ward.</p><p>When he got there, Thor was awake, lying back against a hospital bed with a glare so hostile Loki almost halted in his tracks. Well, he was alive, at least there was that. Dr. Foster had a stethoscope against his chest, her wrist lifted so she could track the second hand on her watch.</p><p>"I’m here," Loki said curtly, calming the frantic beating of his heart in his throat.</p><p>Thor glowered at a spot just to the left of his head. "Marshal."</p><p>Loki winced internally at the dismissal. Thor rarely called him by his title. When he did, he did it to remind Loki that, no matter his rank, Thor would always be his older brother. Today it felt like a blow to the chest.</p><p>"Marshal, you're here," Dr. Foster removed her stethoscope and wrote something in the folder lying open on the bedside table. “Good.”</p><p>Loki sniffed and refrained from retorting snippily, settling for a stolid, "Doctor."</p><p>"Jane is fine. You might want to take a seat," she said, motioning to a chair by Thor's bedside.</p><p>Thor might as well have spit fire. Loki would have rather bitten his own arm off.</p><p>"I'll stand."</p><p>Jane shrugged and tucked a strand of soft brown hair behind her ear. </p><p>“What happened? Why am I here?”</p><p>“Well, your brother thought it would be a <i>fantastic</i> idea to go against strict medical advice and attempt the simulator today and it landed him back here.”</p><p>“I shouldn’t have signed that damned release,” Thor muttered to the wall. </p><p>“Are you insane?” Loki hissed at him. “You could have died!” </p><p>Thor shrugged like it was no big deal.</p><p>"He’s right, you could have,” said Jane evenly. “So, I figured this would be a good time to talk about logistics with regards to your future in piloting."</p><p>"What about it?"</p><p>"She’s saying I can't," Thor snapped. "Which you might know if you bothered to show up at any point."</p><p>"I—"</p><p>"Well, we're not ruling it out," Jane said matter-of-factly, raising a finger towards Thor. "Not completely, anyway. The fact is that you're exhibiting symptoms that will become extremely dangerous if you continue to pilot the way you have been—"</p><p>"You mean the symptoms he’s been lying about," Loki interrupted, moving forward before he knew he'd taken a step.</p><p>Thor scoffed and crossed his arms across his chest like a petulant child, still refusing to meet his eyes. Loki ignored him.</p><p>"What I'm saying is that Thor has been having these symptoms for a long time," Jane shot a stern look at him. "And it's actually kind of a good thing he ended up here, otherwise we might not have caught it until it was too late and we wouldn't be able to do much for him."</p><p>Loki pinched his nose and drew in a thin breath. "So what are you saying?"</p><p>"Thor can't pilot alone anymore."</p><p>Loki chanced a glance at his brother who was now staring determinedly at the ceiling.</p><p>"But?"</p><p>"But there's a chance he can still be supported in a two-pilot system," Jane looked at Thor. "But unfortunately I can't clear you to pilot solo. The strain will be too much. I can write you a laundry list of the possible side effects of trying it," she paused for effect, looking at Thor and then turning back to Loki. "But taking on the full weight of a Jaeger alone is off the table. Permanently."</p><p>Loki's mind pulled up images of news reports from their teens of pilots who had failed drift before the two-pilot system was implemented. Most of them ended up in comas, some paralyzed for life, and some just died in the simulator. It was one of the reasons he'd been so adamantly against Thor joining the Jaeger program in the first place.</p><p>"But he can still fight if he has a co-pilot?" Loki asked.</p><p>Jane shrugged. "Theoretically. I mean, considering the success we've had with the system, I'm comfortable recommending him for co-pilot candidacy and I will happily release him for that once he's passed neuro again."</p><p>"I'm sitting right here," Thor growled. "I'm half-blind now, not deaf."</p><p>"So, what’s your excuse for the other twenty-nine years," Loki snapped before he could stop himself.</p><p>Thor's face flushed red and the monitor beside him began to beep more rapidly.</p><p>"Hey," Jane stopped them before they could continue. “Save it for when I’m not in the room, would you?"</p><p>Loki forced himself to look at her, but he could practically feel the steam coming out his ears.</p><p>"I'm going to keep him overnight for observation in the locked ward," she frowned at Thor who grumbled and didn't meet her eyes. "But after that I will release him into your custody, Marshal."</p><p>"Custody?" Loki looked at her, confused.</p><p>"Well, you're his medical power of attorney," Jane said. </p><p>“I’m his what?”</p><p>"—And since I can't trust him to make fully-informed and rational decisions, I'm going to release him to you until you see fit to release him entirely."</p><p>Thor looked at her in horror. “I can make rational decisions!”</p><p>“You just jumped into drift against medical advice,” Jane said mildly. “God help me, if you choose to go out in a Jaeger in your current condition, which based on your behavior I cannot entirely rule out, I will slap a DTS on your chart, I will detain you under a psychiatric hold for forty-eight hours and then you’ll have to pass both neuro and psych in order to be cleared.”</p><p>“DTS?”</p><p>“Danger to self,” Loki said impatiently. </p><p>“Are you out of your minds?” Thor said, his hand twisting in the sheets for lack of other things to break.</p><p>But Jane was firm, citing medical precedence and then, with a surprisingly warm smile for both of them, left them alone with each other.</p><p>Loki stood at the end of the bed, gripping the plastic footboard in an uncomfortably tense grip. His knuckles were still raw from the pent up rage he'd spent just minutes ago, but he felt it renew itself as Thor continued to avoid his eye.</p><p>"How long have you been hiding this from me?" he asked.</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>"Can you at least tell me why you're not talking to me?" Loki snapped, his patience gone. “Normally I can’t get you to shut the fuck up and now you have no words?”</p><p>Thor's mouth twisted in a grimace of a smile, an ugly thing when lanced with pain.</p><p>Loki stared at him for a moment—really <i>looked</i> at him. His hair was long, disheveled and half falling out of the loose hair tie that gathered it at the base of his neck. His little undercut was growing out, too, which looked ridiculous. He had gotten it done and Loki promptly laughed his ass off at him. He looked ridiculous now, his one blue eye burning with subdued rage while looking absolutely pathetic in a hospital gown. The muscles of his massive arms bunched beneath the cheap fabric, severely out of place beneath the whimsical blue and white print. </p><p>Loki forced himself to trace the webbed pattern of the scars on his face. He hadn’t seen it up close yet, but it did absolutely nothing to detract from his brother’s looks, still stunningly beautiful as ever beneath the mottled strands of pink and silver. It was mostly healed, twisted and gnarled closest to the socket and spreading out and down along his cheek like thin branches of lightning. It cut into his beard a little bit, but Loki could still see the scar he'd put there himself when they were young, a little slice along his jawline where no hair grew. He hadn't meant to cut him. Not really.</p><p>Thor remained stubbornly silent.</p><p>"Fine. If you aren't going to talk to me, then I have other things to do," Loki threw his hands up and turned to leave.</p><p>"That's it, then?" </p><p>Thor’s voice was low, but the edges of it cut through Loki with a serrated edge.</p><p>He paused a couple steps from the door. "That's what?"</p><p>"That's it?" Thor repeated. "You finally show up here and you don't give a damn enough to stick around because you have your career to think about?"</p><p>"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Loki turned and folded his arms, noting somewhere in the back of his mind that it was a defensive posture. He settled for placing them on his hips instead.</p><p>"I don't know, Loki, what do you think it means?" Thor said with a slightly hysterical laugh, an arm gesturing helplessly. "You've always put your job ahead of everything, I guess I'm just stupid enough to think you might ever put me first."</p><p>"I'm here, aren't I?"</p><p>"Are you?"</p><p>Thor finally looked at him and Loki almost stepped backward when he did. He'd been expecting fire and instead he found waves of uncertainty.</p><p>"Yes, Thor, I'm standing right here."</p><p>Thor looked at him for a long moment.</p><p>Then he shook his head. "You know what, it's fine. Go do your job or whatever."</p><p>"Make up your mind, you moron, do you want me to stay or go?"</p><p>"Whatever."</p><p>"Thor—"</p><p>"I don't know, Loki!" Thor snapped, raising his voice, his face flushing at the outburst. "That’s just it, I don’t fucking know anymore! About anything! And you don't exactly seem like you want anything to do with me, so why don't you just go? Like you always do."</p><p>"What the fuck does that even mean, "like I always do," are you high?"</p><p>"No! Are you?" Thor said, a sharply accusatory look flashing through his eye.</p><p>"No!"</p><p>"Could have fooled me."</p><p>"You aren't making any sense."</p><p>"No? Maybe that's because you don't give me the time of day anymore, brother," Thor spat the word like it had a bad taste.</p><p>"I have a compound to run," Loki shot back coldly. "I'm busy. Or did you forget we're in the middle of a war?"</p><p>"That must be it! I lost half my fucking face because I thought, 'you know what? I think I'll hop in a Jaeger for a sunset stroll along the coast.' Give me some goddamn credit here, Loki, I'm not fucking stupid."</p><p>"Then why are you acting like it?"</p><p>"Because I don't know who I am anymore!" Thor shouted, lurching forward in the bed.</p><p>Loki stared at him.</p><p>The machine behind Thor beeped wildly as he sat there, hunched over, breathing heavily from the exertion. Loki struggled to say something but he couldn’t seem to get them to come out of his mouth. What words could he say? Instead, he was forced to watch as the ire in his brother's eye flickered and died out. He slumped backward onto the bed again.</p><p>"Thor—"</p><p>The door burst open behind him and a nurse hurried into the room, brushing past him to get to Thor's side and check his vitals. Loki stood there torn, unsure of himself for the first in a very long time. He stepped forward tentatively, but Thor rolled his eyes and turned his head away.</p><p>
      <i>Hell.</i>
    </p><p>Loki spun on his heel and stormed out.</p>
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  <p>*</p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you so much for reading! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>surprise and happy sunday! this was edited and i absolutely  h a t e  sitting on finished things, so you get an early update! uploads will still proceed as usual though, so i'll still have a new one for you on wednesday. </p>
<p>enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit //</strong>
</p>
<p>Loki wasn't sure where he was going, but his feet did. His insides burned with fury. He'd been right there for Thor. Or at least he'd tried to be there. Hell, he had been ready to talk to him and take a hit or two just to be supportive and this was what he got. An unbearably juvenile argument with somebody who supposedly had a couple years on him? Jesus. To think Thor was supposedly the responsible one all their lives.</p>
<p>Metal grates scuffed beneath his boots as he climbed the stairs. They were wide staircases, built for the engineering crews to utilize during repairs and designed to support heavy traffic. It was odd to see them so desolate.</p>
<p>Anger spurred him up each step. He was fit, but it was a long way up and by the time he reached the top he was breathing heavily.</p>
<p>The scent of saltwater was sharp and clean as he ascended, closer to the vents that cycled air into the compound. Despite the warm gleam from the machinery below, the silver light from the moon filtered down in the tiniest way. It felt like months since he’d been up here.</p>
<p>Apparently he wasn't the only one in need of the break.</p>
<p>"Can't sleep?" Bucky's voice was a sleepy rasp cloaked in a thin cloud of smoke.</p>
<p>The orange glow of a joint waxed and waned from where the pilot sat, his legs dangling off the edge of the platform over the dizzying drop below. His metal arm had been removed and he had set it on the ground next to him. </p>
<p>"What sleep?" Loki asked him tiredly looking up from where he was leaning on his knees to catch his breath. </p>
<p>Bucky tilted his head with the barest hint of a smirk. "Well folks, it would seem he has a sense of humor after all."</p>
<p>Loki heaved a sharp, sarcastic laugh and straightened long enough to walk over and lean against the railing. Bucky resumed swinging his feet back and forth and looked out over the Shatterdome.</p>
<p>"So if it's not the sleep then what is it? No wait, let me guess."</p>
<p>Loki looked at him sideways. </p>
<p>"It's boy problems, again," said Bucky, sending a smoke ring out into the wide open space. "I'm guessing a big, muscular blonde?"</p>
<p>"Your insight is stunning."</p>
<p>"I could have been a clairvoyant," Bucky agreed, raising his hand and offering the joint. “I would have made so much money at carnivals.”</p>
<p>Loki snorted and plucked it from his fingers gratefully. “Yeah right, how much for a palm reading?”</p>
<p>“For you? Twenty bucks,” said Bucky. “Friends and family discount.”</p>
<p>Loki held the smoke in his lungs a beat longer before letting it out in a thin stream from his lips and passing it back to him. “Too expensive. How about I give you this back and we call it even?”</p>
<p>“Deal.”</p>
<p>“Pushover,” said Loki. </p>
<p>Bucky laughed and leaned his arm against the railing. Loki looked at his friend with a rare surge of affection, sitting there seemingly carefree with his legs swinging over the edge like a little kid, intelligent eyes hooded and cloaked by the darkness around them. Without him, Loki wasn’t sure he would have made it as far as he had with his sanity still intact. Not that he would ever tell him, of course, but the thought was there and it had to count for something. Thank god Bucky hadn’t given three shits about his standoffish nature and forced friendship on him through sheer force of will, especially since Loki had been fully ready to write him off based on his name alone. Who the hell allowed people to call them "Bucky," anyway? </p>
<p>They were silent for a while after that, content to just sit and smoke while getting lost in their respective thoughts. It was one of the reasons they got along so well, both happy to share the silence with each other. It kept Loki from spiraling too deep into his thoughts. Bucky had always had a sixth sense for this kind of thing and somehow managed to always be around when Loki needed him. Maybe he was a bit clairvoyant after all.</p>
<p>"You never told me what your advice was on big, muscular blondes," Loki ventured after a bit.</p>
<p>"Patience," Bucky said without missing a beat. "Because they're idiots."</p>
<p>Loki bit back the bitter response he wanted to say. Instead he said, "And if that patience is at its end?"</p>
<p>"Well, arsenic is the least messy, but takes a little bit."</p>
<p>Loki laughed. </p>
<p>"So, when was the last time you talked to your brother?" Bucky asked, slightly more serious.</p>
<p>"Just now," Loki sighed.</p>
<p>"Yeah, you look like you just did. So, did you really talk to him or did you do that thing where you both talk in circles and you're actually saying nothing?"</p>
<p>Loki groaned and pushed the palms of his hands into his eyes.</p>
<p>"Ah, damn," Bucky said sympathetically. "You two really are a mess."</p>
<p>Loki lifted his head and stared determinedly out over the breathless space of the Shatterdome, over to Lucky’s dock where an overnight crew was getting to work on rebuilding her. They were a damn mess, Bucky was right. They’d been a mess for so long he had forgotten what it felt like to be normal. If people like them could ever be normal.</p>
<p>"So why are you here, then?" he asked, steering the conversation elsewhere.</p>
<p>Bucky looked like he knew, but he went with it. "Same as you. Needed the space."</p>
<p>"I thought you had big blondes figured out."</p>
<p>“Everybody needs space, Loki,” Bucky said mildly. </p>
<p>“Sorry for intruding,” Loki offered. </p>
<p>"No, you're not."</p>
<p>"No," Loki's mouth tugged in a small smile. "I'm not."</p>
<p>They lapsed into silence again. Bucky procured another joint at some point, deftly maneuvering with one arm to light it. He stood and shared it with Loki. Loki hadn't smoked regularly in years, but as his brain and muscles relaxed he remembered why he had.</p>
<p>Eventually, Bucky glanced at his watch, a giant thing with several dials that somehow fit on his wrist. Maybe it was because he was constantly overshadowed by Steve's hulking silhouette that Loki rarely remembered it, but Bucky was as solid as they came. </p>
<p>"Well, I'm out of drugs now," he said dryly. "So I guess that means I'm done brooding for the night."</p>
<p>“You’re going to leave me alone?” Loki pretended to be hurt. </p>
<p>“Don’t act like you’re not excited,” Bucky laughed and bent to pick up his arm. </p>
<p>Loki watched his friend attach it for the millionth time with mild interest. It whirred and clicked into place, hanging dead for half a second before lighting up blue and coming to life. Bucky gave the fingers a flex or two.</p>
<p>"Does that still hurt?" he asked before he realized he'd opened his mouth.</p>
<p>Bucky shrugged. "Not as much as it used to. Tony's working on a new one for me to try and minimize the pain but he's kinda busy with, you know—" he waved towards where the crew was working on Lucky.</p>
<p>Loki glanced towards the ruined Jaeger.</p>
<p>"Anyway, enjoy your space.”</p>
<p>Loki waved him off and turned back to the bay, breathing deeply and letting the salty air fill his lungs. Bucky's heavy footfalls paused.</p>
<p>"Hey."</p>
<p>"What?" Loki twisted to look at him, his face cast in the shadows at the top of the stairs.</p>
<p>"I suggest talking to him," Bucky said, sounding unexpectedly earnest. "Really talking to him. It's what's kept me and Steve from tossing it all out the window a couple times."</p>
<p>Loki snorted at that and turned back to the rail. "I never took you for an idealist, Barnes."</p>
<p>"Sue me, I want to see you happy,” Bucky said. “Try talking to him without the bullshit. If he loves you, he’ll listen.”</p>
<p>Loki's pulse quickened at the thought. Bucky smiled, waved goodnight, and disappeared down the stairs.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>Thor was back in the rehab gym.<p>So maybe jumping immediately into a simulation had been a bad idea. Sue him. He had always been the kind of person who needed to experience things in order to truly understand them. In this case, maybe it had been an exceptionally poor decision. Regardless, if it landed him right back in rehab with Eir, who seemed only too displeased with him. All he could think was that he felt similarly disappointed in himself, if not for the same reasons. </p>
<p>He should have been able to do it. </p>
<p>The door opened and shut and he didn’t bother to look up. One reason being he had to twist his entire head around to see anything anymore, but also because he was concentrating. Fun fact, not only was he missing an eye, but his depth perception was invariably <i>fucked</i>. He had already spent the better part of an hour in the small rehabilitation room, just working on walking in a straight line and not feeling seasick again, and he was no better now than when he’d started. In fact, he’d gotten worse. </p>
<p>“Look, you don’t need to keep coming back to check on me,” he told the nurse, concentrating. “I’m doing everything you told me to do.”</p>
<p>“I doubt that.”</p>
<p>Thor looked up quickly. Not Eir, then. Loki was standing there against the door, looking hilariously out of place in the little rehab gym in his crisp uniform and dour expression. Thor felt his neck and face heat and turned away angrily.</p>
<p>“Not a word,” he growled as sweat slipped down the back of his neck. </p>
<p>“I wasn’t going to say anything,” Loki sounded unnaturally strained. </p>
<p>Thor felt a vindictive streak rush through him. If Loki was uncomfortable, then good. It served him right for not bothering to check on him once unless mandated by Jane, which was pretty damn cold, even by their standards. He had always known his brother kept score, but now he knew Loki would go to his grave just to prove a point. At least now Thor knew for certain.</p>
<p>He took a misstep and the room wobbled around him. </p>
<p>“Fuck!” he spat violently. </p>
<p>He flung his arms up and dropped onto a nearby weight bench, slumping forward in defeat and tried not to let the frustration drown him. If something as simple as walking was giving him this much trouble, what was it going to be like when he tried to pilot again? <i>If</i> he could pilot again?</p>
<p>His chest felt too tight.</p>
<p>“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” Loki said tightly from the other side of the room. </p>
<p>His face looked pinched, as if it pained him to say the words out loud. Thor knew it did and he should have taken it for what it obviously was: an olive branch.</p>
<p>Instead, he grinned, big and stupid, and pointed at the scarred half of his face. “How do you <i>think</i> I’m doing, Loki?” </p>
<p>“Don’t be droll,” Loki snapped at him.</p>
<p>“Don’t use such big words, brother,” Thor sighed and pushed up off the bench with more force than he meant to use. “I got hit in the head, remember?”</p>
<p>They stared at each other for a moment and the air seemed to still around them. Then Loki cleared his throat.</p>
<p>“What did Jane say this week?” </p>
<p>Thor made a face and glared at the ground, finding a particularly offensive fleck and wondering if he could burn it with the intensity of the heat rolling off his face. </p>
<p>“Why don’t you ask Jane?” he growled. </p>
<p>“Because I wanted to ask you, obviously,” Loki snapped. “I thought that would have been clear.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, it wasn’t,” Thor said stubbornly. </p>
<p>Loki seemed to struggle for a moment in the silence. He almost shrank beneath his uniform and even though he had straightened to his full height and squared his shoulders, he looked like a child playing dress up to Thor.</p>
<p>He sighed. “You’re making this awkward, just tell me why you’re here.”</p>
<p>Loki shrugged. “Sentiment?”</p>
<p>“Suddenly you care?”</p>
<p>Thor glared at his brother and wondered for the millionth time how they’d gotten here. It made his heart hurt. He thought maybe his heart had hurt like this for years, never truly going away, just fading into the background while life happened instead. </p>
<p>They used to be inseparable, stupid as all hell for each other and only bound to get stupider. He had never truly known what happened between them—all he knew was one day he and Loki couldn’t take their hands off each other and the next Loki couldn’t be far enough away from him. </p>
<p>He assumed it had been something to do with the war. His enlistment hadn’t gone over well, but it hadn’t been an issue for long and in the space of a week it had blown over. By all appearances Loki had come to terms with it and accepted it. </p>
<p>“Don’t presume to tell me what I care about,” Loki snapped.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah? What do you care about, anyway?” Thor asked him. “Wrinkles in your uniform? Your rankings? It can’t be much more than that, you don’t have the capacity.”</p>
<p>Not strictly true. Loki had been very sensitive once, the kind of kid that cried when he accidentally stepped on a bug because what if it had a family? No matter how many years separated them, Thor would always know his brother in the ways that counted and if he knew him the way he was certain he did, Loki was still that kid, locked behind wall after wall of impenetrable defenses. </p>
<p>The words hit home. He watched with a muted kind of satisfaction as the blood drained from Loki’s face, leaving him more pale than he already was. </p>
<p>“You bastard,” Loki said softly, shaking with barely controlled rage. “You don’t know a damned thing about me.”</p>
<p>“Oh no, I think I do.”</p>
<p>“I care so much more than you <i>ever</i> did!” Loki said. “You think you’ve had it hard? I guarantee I can top your top three. You like competition, don’t you? Go on! Tell me why your life is so goddamned hard, Thor. <i>Tell me!</i>”</p>
<p>“Have you looked at me lately?” Thor growled. </p>
<p>“Wounded in war? You’ll get a medal and a full pension. Next,” Loki dismissed it immediately.</p>
<p>“I might not ever pilot again.”</p>
<p>“You’ll live.”</p>
<p>“You know when dad died—”</p>
<p>“You left me to drown,” Loki finished immediately.</p>
<p>Thor’s heart hammered as he realized his mistake. He didn’t want to talk about this. They never talked about Odin, it was an unspoken rule between them, they never brought it up. </p>
<p>“You said you could handle it,” he snapped. </p>
<p>“And you believed me?” Loki asked incredulously. “Thor, I was seventeen. I had dropped out of school! I took care of dad until he died because we didn’t have the money!”</p>
<p>“I sent you money!” Thor said, horrified. </p>
<p>“Great!” Loki windmilled his arms, uncharacteristically animated. “It maybe paid for groceries that week! Healthcare is expensive, Thor! And dad didn’t have insurance, so what was I going to do? Send you a letter? Hey bro, sorry to bother you with details about our dying father but could you send money—”</p>
<p>“I sent you everything I had, Loki,” Thor shot back.</p>
<p>“It wasn’t enough!”</p>
<p>“That’s because nothing I <i>ever</i> do is good enough for you!” shouted Thor. “I did everything, Loki! I did everything short of going AWOL for you and dad and you have never been able to see it.”</p>
<p>Loki’s eyes welled up in front of him. “You should have been there for us! You should have known!” </p>
<p>“How could I have known, you never talked to me!” said Thor.</p>
<p>“You never tried!” cried Loki. “My god, you are so <i>stupid</i>.”</p>
<p>“Loki!”</p>
<p>“Grow the <i>fuck</i> up, Thor. I had to.”</p>
<p>Thor’s heart pounded in his ears. Loki was practically foaming at the mouth. Maybe it was because emotions were running high, maybe it was because he felt guilty as hell, or maybe it was because he’d finally had enough. </p>
<p>“Goddammit, come here,” he said roughly, reaching out and pulling him close.</p>
<p>In the back of his mind, he knew he was asking for Loki to claw his remaining eye out, but he resisted for only a second before coming easily into his arms. His body was warm beneath Thor’s fingers, all tightly bound muscle and thinner than he remembered him being, but it was Loki all the same. </p>
<p>They stayed like that for a moment, frozen in time like neither of them knew where to go from there. And then all at once Loki struggled free and dragged him down into a brief, fierce kiss, and fled.</p>
<p>Thor sagged back onto the bench and buried his face in his hands and cried in earnest.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>They didn’t speak about it again and eventually their argument faded back into the haze where all the memories of their various fights seemed to live. Thor still couldn’t quite figure out why his brother came to see him in the first place. The only thing that made sense was sentiment, but sentiment never made sense coming from Loki.<p>He struggled with it at night, flipping their fight over in his head, analyzing it from every angle he could possibly think of until he fell into a fitful sleep. </p>
<p>Things with training finally seemed to be taking an upward turn. He was getting the hang of having only so much in his field of vision. It meant he had to rely on his intuition more heavily, but he was getting pretty damn good at it. </p>
<p>Most days anyway.</p>
<p>Breath rushed from his lungs in a massive whoosh as his back hit the mat.</p>
<p>"You're overcompensating."</p>
<p>"I know I'm overcompensating, Loki," He growled. "You come do it."</p>
<p>"No, I think you're doing a great job," Loki said calmly from where he was perched on the short wall along the side of the dojo, barefoot with his knees folded into his chest. "The mats needed to be mopped."</p>
<p>"You talk a lot of shit for somebody I can snap in half with my left pinky toe."</p>
<p>"You flatter yourself."</p>
<p>"Why don't you come over here and we'll test that," Thor grunted, getting back to his feet and shooting a glare at him.</p>
<p>They had come to a strange, unspoken truce lately. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of it yet, but it felt like releasing a breath he’d been holding for several days. Of course, it didn’t mean they were nice to each other, it just meant their banter was actually banter instead of being primed for injury. Loki had taken it upon himself to oversee all of his training, gleefully wielding his "custody" over him with all the subtlety of a kid in a candy store.</p>
<p>Bucky bounced lightly on the balls of his feet next to him.</p>
<p>"What do you think, Loki? Should I go easy on him?"</p>
<p>Thor lunged at him without warning, kicking out and sweeping Bucky's legs out from under him. He landed on his side with a heavy <i>oof</i>. Thor grinned and loomed over him, panting.</p>
<p>"Fuck you, Barnes."</p>
<p>Bucky hit him in the ankles with his metal arm and sent him sprawling for the second time that day. Loki tsked.</p>
<p>"Are we entirely sure you didn't get a concussion as well?" Bucky asked, rolling up to sitting with a frown.</p>
<p>Thor flipped him off.</p>
<p>"They checked," Loki said, typing into a handheld holotablet. "Twice."</p>
<p>"You know what? Bite me," Thor said tiredly. “Both of you.”</p>
<p>"You can go, Bucky," Loki said. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>"Swell," Bucky clapped Thor on the knee and sprang up from the ground to gather his things.</p>
<p>Thor stayed on his back and threw an arm across his face and closed his eye, watching as little pink and white dots swam lazily across the back of his eyelid. He wished the floor would open up and swallow him right there. Today training felt stupid and manipulated, like he was just being led through the motions until they felt like he was ready to handle the fact there was no hope for recovery.</p>
<p>And what the fuck was he supposed to do if he wasn't a pilot? Paperwork? Intimidate Kaiju with his face? This was all he knew how to do.</p>
<p>He wanted to scream until his throat split.</p>
<p>There was a soft <i>clink</i> as Loki set the tablet down and rose to his feet with the faint rustle of fabric. His mind quite literally shrank away from the implication of the sound because what came next was usually some kind of lecture. Rage-inducing lectures about his progress, or his attitude, or his opinions on the price of eggs. If at any point he'd wished they would talk more in the past, he wanted to take it back. He didn't want that anymore.</p>
<p>The air shifted around him as Loki came to a stop by his head.</p>
<p>"You're improving."</p>
<p>Thor moved his arm a fraction to frown up at him, squinting against the sunlight. "Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"</p>
<p>Loki gave him a swift kick in the shoulder. "Get up."</p>
<p>That made sense. With a magnificent effort, Thor managed to haul himself back up to standing. How his brother managed to look so effortless in a tank and training pants was annoying him today, too. He tugged awkwardly at his own to get them to release from where they'd bunched up around his thighs. Loki was looking at him, his expression inscrutable.</p>
<p>"What?" he asked self-consciously.</p>
<p>Loki took his time adding something to his holotablet before looking up again, tucking it under his arm.</p>
<p>"Set up an appointment for an eval with Dr. Foster," he said. "I want you cleared for compatibility next week. I've added you to the brackets for Monday."</p>
<p>"Next week?"</p>
<p>Thor's heart sped up. He felt a well of emotion bubble in his chest, an uncertain mix of nervous energy that made him feel like he might throw up.</p>
<p>"Don't get too excited," Loki said, eyeing him sharply. "These cadets aren't anywhere close to ready for combat. Which means you should be able to handle them, don't you think?"</p>
<p>"Gee, thanks," Thor said sarcastically. “What is your problem, anyway? You were fine earlier, what set you off?”</p>
<p>Loki blinked at him and walked away.</p>
<p>Rage flared in his veins. It didn’t take much lately. He stalked after his brother and shoved at him hard, and it was evidence of just how deep Loki's training ran that he barely even missed a step, his torso collapsing around the impact and absorbing it automatically. Thor was strong, but Loki was grounded like a fucking tree.</p>
<p>"Careful, brother," Loki said, unruffled. "You could get in significant trouble for assaulting a ranking officer."</p>
<p>"I'll take my chances," Thor said. "And you're an asshole."</p>
<p>Loki just smiled and reached up to pluck his training jacket from it's hook on the wall.</p>
<p>"On the contrary, dear brother, I advanced you to compatibility skirmishes. I thought that's what you wanted," he shrugged into the jacket. "What did you think you were going to get, a gold star?"</p>
<p>Thor shook his head. "You really can't be nice, can you?"</p>
<p>"Nice doesn't get me results," Loki said bluntly. "And it certainly never got me anywhere with you."</p>
<p>And there it was.</p>
<p>Thor flailed helplessly for a moment as Loki entered in whatever the hell he put into the daily logs on the training room console. When it became clear he wasn't going to get anything out of his brother today he left, shoving his feet into his boots haphazardly and snatching his jacket from the edge of the floor.</p>
<p>His shoelaces whipped back and forth, snapping and stinging his ankles as he walked away.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>His quarters were warm when he got there, making him irritable and restless. He was already sweaty and his hair was starting to stick to the back of his neck. He was also bored and anxious and maybe hungry...?<p>Who knew what he was anymore, he certainly didn’t.</p>
<p>He peeled his shirt off with a relieved sigh and pitched it across the small room. It hit the sink in the bathroom and flopped onto the metal floor with a soft sound. There was a small fan by the bed that he turned on and was looking forward to flopping into bed and lying there miserably when there was a loud knock at his door.</p>
<p>Just a single knock.</p>
<p>He knew who it would be, but he was surprised by the force Loki used to shove past him. His brother favored political displays of power and rarely relied upon his physical strength, but it wasn't because he was lacking. Sometimes Thor forgot how much power lay within the lithe muscle, grounded on bones of steel.</p>
<p>Long fingers wrapped around the back of his neck before he'd had time to shut the door.</p>
<p>Thor responded immediately to the full body assault, rising to match the energy. His arms were wrapping around to press between his brother's shoulder blades and he was kissing him back. The rage in his belly shifted to something else entirely, spreading through him like wildfire. Loki was all over him, a knee between his legs, a hand fisted into his hair, lips crushing against his. </p>
<p>Thor broke away for an instant, pushing him out far enough to get a good look at him. Every once in a while Loki got high and did really stupid things and Thor was not about to let him make a mistake that he would end up getting yelled at for later.</p>
<p>Loki's pupils were blown, so dark there was barely a silver left of their usual green. His grin was wide and lopsided, edging towards manic. But any stab of worry he might have felt right then vanished into the distant past as Loki surged forward to take his lip between rows of gleaming teeth.</p>
<p>
  <i>Fuck it.</i>
</p>
<p>Thor dug in and fell into the dizzying onslaught. He needed this. He wanted it.</p>
<p>It was fast and rough. It always was. It hadn't always been, but that's the way it was now.</p>
<p>By the time they'd finished, bruises lit up their skin and angry welts raised along backs, clawing into the bone beneath like it might finally give them the connection they were searching for.</p>
<p>Thor came seconds after Loki, his breath hot against the cool metal of his walls.</p>
<p>They didn't say anything afterward.</p>
<p>They never did.</p>
<p>Loki cleaned up, gave his clothing a light tug here and there, even though he already looked impeccable, and if he hesitated just slightly with his hand on the door, they both pretended not to notice.</p>
<p>He was gone.</p>
<p>Thor flopped backward into bed and closed his eye. Maybe if he fell asleep he’d skip the part where he felt like the emptiness and confusion in his chest might swallow him whole.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div><p>Monday came around all too quickly and of all the compatibility drafts he'd supervised, this was definitely the worst.</p>
<p>Loki stood on a small flight of steps and watched with great frustration as Thor obliterated yet another ill-matched cadet. None of them were a good match, in his opinion; even in recovery his brother was light-years ahead of them in skill and experience. He'd managed to convince himself to give Thor an extra week before he threw him back into drifting and now he was wishing he'd made it two. It would have given him more time to select people with more suitable characteristics.</p>
<p>He sighed as Thor maneuvered his staff between his opponents legs and used his arm as leverage to send the kid into the ground.</p>
<p>"Anyone else?" Thor pivoted in place and rested his wrists on the top of the staff, tilting his head in a way that ground Loki's gears all wrong.</p>
<p>Well, maybe not <i>all</i> wrong.</p>
<p>He looked down quickly and swiped the cadet's name off the list. Two more names to go. He waved the defeated cadet away with an impatient flick of his wrist and jerked his head at the two remaining.</p>
<p>"Both of you, on the mat."</p>
<p>Confusion flickered across their faces and Thor frowned as they hustled into place beside him.</p>
<p>"Tony didn’t mention he was making a triple-pilot system," Thor said dryly.</p>
<p>Loki ignored him.</p>
<p>The dark training tank Thor was wearing was damp and he was slightly winded, but he was enthusiastic and more himself today than Loki had seen him in weeks. Little patches of pink flushed across his cheeks in a direct contrast to the flat black metal patch that now lay over his ruined eye. It made him look roguish and rough around the edges.</p>
<p>He cleared his throat. "Do try to remember: it's a dialogue not—"</p>
<p>"—not a fight. Yeah, yeah," Thor waved him off dismissively.</p>
<p>Loki watched them begin the fight and pressed his lips together in frustration. He was already exceptionally disappointed in the cadets who had failed out. For a class of eight he had clearly been overly optimistic to hope one of them might be able to match his brother, blow for blow. Pitting two against one was an experiment.</p>
<p>It didn't work.</p>
<p>Loki left frustrated and disappointed. Thor wasn't approaching things like a copilot, he was approaching them like a back alley brawl. If it were anybody but his brother he would have dismissed the case and told them to find another job to do—maybe open a margarita stand on one of the last standing beaches or a public pool in what was left of LA, get a suntan, enjoy the fact that they <i>didn't</i> have to face this war from the front anymore...</p>
<p>
  <i>Christ.</i>
</p>
<p>Loki poured himself a generous two fingers of the <i>Balvenie 50</i> and took a healthy swallow of it, wiping his mouth with the back of his wrist leaning back against the counter.</p>
<p>Despite the fact that many of his problems came from Thor, he had other things to continue worrying about as well. Reports had been coming in from other bases and they swirled around in his head in any moment he found to himself. They were all anybody could talk about. Hela was popping up all over the world, seemingly at random, and leaving a wasteland behind. Once again confirming that she fought unpredictably, acting nothing like the rest of her species, and without a pattern to follow the pilots were all but flying blind. </p>
<p>It was everything he could do not to lose his mind as he forced himself to watch clip after clip at night, long after he should have been asleep, searching for anything that might give them an advantage.</p>
<p>So far his base hadn't encountered Hela a third time, for which he was grateful. Indonesia had been hit. England had been hit twice in succession. The Philippines had done surprisingly well for being a vulnerable cluster of islands, emerging from the fight victorious with the lowest casualty count since she had started appearing.</p>
<p>Loki took another sip of whiskey and pulled out his phone. He flipped through his emails and opened one from Newt. Banner kind of let him do what he wanted for updates and it drove Loki up the wall. The scientist was practically frothing at the mouth with all the new developments in the "Kaiju psyche,” a term he’d proudly coined. His overwhelming fondness for the aliens was offensive and it was so bad that Loki had to physically restrain himself from slapping the man when he reported off. It was when he started daydreaming about punting the little man across the room that he made the immediate decision to have those reports emailed to him instead.</p>
<p>That may or may not have made things worse. He sighed and thumbed through pages and pages of hypotheses and failed experiments. Good god, there were twelve pages on the popular hive-mind hypothesis and how he, Newt, had disproven it and the implications that followed.</p>
<p>"Jesus Christ, Newt," he said out loud to his empty room.</p>
<p>He tossed the phone onto his bed and ran a hand over his face. Just then the intercom buzzed. He knew who it would be but he let it persist a couple times before he mustered the strength to answer.</p>
<p>"Yes, Stark?"</p>
<p>"Hey boss, how'd skirmishes go today?"</p>
<p>Loki sighed.</p>
<p>"That good, huh?"</p>
<p>He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling the beginnings of a headache. "If you could go over the report on Lucky, that's all I need."</p>
<p>"It's moving along more quickly than we projected, but I’d give it another week or two before she's functional for two pilots."</p>
<p>"And how long until she meets your standards?"</p>
<p>"Two," Tony said without hesitation. "I can have her perfect in two."</p>
<p>"Then take two," Loki said firmly. "We'll make due."</p>
<p>"You got it."</p>
<p>Loki cut the connection and drained the rest of his tumbler. He was so exhausted by the time he'd managed to get out of his uniform for the day, he fell asleep the second his head hit the pillow.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>His issues with Thor were escalating again.<p>"What is your problem?" He called out the next day, storming onto the floor. "I'm starting to think you don't want this."</p>
<p>Thor twirled the staff as his chest puffed out a bit. Posturing. The handful of people who had gathered to watch the <i>revered Thor Odinson</i> fight in a compatibility match breathed in audibly, irritating Loki further. This wasn’t a fucking show. </p>
<p>"No, Loki, you’re right, I’m just here to get yelled at for all the things I’m doing wrong,” Thor shot back instantly. </p>
<p>“Don’t be coy.”</p>
<p>Thor rolled his eyes, “Yes, of course I want this.”</p>
<p>"Then maybe start acting like it," Loki snapped.</p>
<p>Thor punched him.</p>
<p>It wasn't full strength, just enough to stun him and make his face sting, but it was the last straw.</p>
<p>Loki didn't give his brother a chance and came up swinging, an uppercut to the chest. Thor exhaled hard and stumbled backward. Loki stalked after him.</p>
<p>He blocked the staff easily as Thor swung it around and countered by catching him twice across either side of the face. Thor's head snapped to the side and when he looked up, the hazy red of Loki's vision made the tiny bit of blood from his split lip even more vibrant.</p>
<p>"Hey!"</p>
<p>They both stopped short, breathing heavily already. Steve stood at the front of a small, gathering crowd of people with another staff in hand.</p>
<p>"If you're gonna fight, you're gonna fight fair," he said.</p>
<p>He tossed the staff and Loki caught it deftly. It was smooth and sturdy against his palm. He gripped it.</p>
<p>"Fine."</p>
<p>He turned to Thor, who raised his staff accordingly in such a way that meant he fully intended to play fair. Loki's anger simmered down just enough to where he might have considered actually working the fight as a skirmish...then Thor smirked.</p>
<p>
  <i>Piece of shit.</i>
</p>
<p>Abandoning all pretense, Loki drove forward with a vicious flurry of attacks. Thor met him blow for blow, the hard oak of the staff clashing loudly in the space around them.</p>
<p>Thor ducked and caught him by the leg, sending him off balance. Loki turned it into a roll and brought his staff up with both hands just in time to block a crushing blow to the head. Thor wasn't holding back either.</p>
<p>He shoved hard and rose to his feet.</p>
<p>"That's one," Bucky's voice floated over the tension, barely registering in the back of Loki's mind.</p>
<p>It took three potential kill shots to establish a fit.</p>
<p>They circled each other, staffs at ready. Thor's eyes found his and locked on, his eyes glinting in the light. Loki breathed deep through his nose and let his energy sink towards the floor, grounding him.</p>
<p>Thor moved first this time, lunging forward with a straight stab, unusual for their particular style. Loki side-stepped and spun once, aiming for a clean slash at his exposed back. Thor reacted lightning fast and brought the staff up and behind his back just in time to block.</p>
<p>"Two," Bucky sounded amused.</p>
<p>Thor spun and brought the staff up to ready again.</p>
<p>They moved at the same time. It lasted longer than the first two rounds, both of them jockeying to get the upper hand. In the end it was Loki who ended the match, taking advantage of Thor's literal blind spot to go for the neck. He blocked it only barely, but it effectively ended the match.</p>
<p>"And that's three," Bucky said. "Congratulations, Thor, it looks like we found you a copilot."</p>
<p>Panting, Loki felt himself come back down to earth for a moment and tore his eyes away from Thor's glare to see Bucky sitting next to Steve along the short wall, grinning at him like he knew this was going to happen. Loki wanted to fight him. He held back. </p>
<p>"Hilarious," he said, his rage effectively tamped down.</p>
<p>He walked to the edge of the mat and tossed the staff at a student who, to her credit, caught it without so much as a blink. It had been a good way to get his frustrations out, but he had more pressing things to do than indulge his regular fantasies of fratricide.</p>
<p>“But now that that’s over with, I have a job to do,” he shrugged into his training jacket and looked around sharply at everybody still hanging at the edges of the mat. “Why are you all still standing here?” he spat sharply, annoyed. </p>
<p>No satisfaction came as he watched them scatter with his lips pressed tightly together. Normally he got a kick out of having to wield his authority, but today it felt empty. He was frustrated, tired, and stretched nine ways to Sunday without relief in sight. If he could just have one thing resolve on its own without his involvement, he would be just slightly less liable to pop. </p>
<p>He turned, to look at Thor who was still standing there, breathing hard, sweat dripping down his face. Loki groaned internally in the deepening silence. As much as he hated to admit it, Bucky was right. Thor had a drift partner.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>see you wednesday! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>it takes two to make a thing go right</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit //</strong>
</p><p>“They’re pushing another round of budget cuts.”</p><p>Loki stared blankly at the holotablet in front of him and struggled with all his might to pay attention to the meeting at hand. The numbers blurred anyway. His fingers traced absently along the side of his neck where Thor’s calloused hand had gripped him earlier that day. He could almost still feel the heat from his brother’s skin along his own and it almost made him wish, well, he didn’t know what he wished he just knew he missed that feeling and all that came with it. </p><p>“Marshal, what do you think?”</p><p>Loki blinked and forced his eyes to focus on the data sitting in front of him. The numbers weren’t good, but then again they were never good. </p><p>“I think we need to eat billionaires before they kill us all,” he muttered, reaching out to swipe through a couple pages of the report. “Full offense, Stark.”</p><p>“And yet none taken, I’m really cool that way.”</p><p>Loki ignored him, but his own comment had elicited some nervous shuffling and even a couple weak laughs around the room. Loki sighed and pushed his glasses further up his nose. Nobody ever seemed to know how to act around him and it generally resulted in the most insufferable group of people to ever congregate in a single room at any given point in time. It wasn’t the first time he wished Bucky could be there, his friend would have brought some much needed levity to the group, but as a Jaeger pilot he didn’t have the clearance. </p><p>His brain felt muddy.</p><p>“Stark. Talk to me.” </p><p>If there was anything he could do to try and buy time it was to get the Stark heir talking. Stark Industries was the only billion dollar corporation that still had any significant stock in the Jaeger programs and that was thanks to Tony, mostly because he liked to tinker around with Jaegers and his father preferred to keep him out of the way. Tony himself didn’t seem to give much thought to the situation at hand and generally acted as though his hands were tied, but Loki was certain he could mobilize in a second if he bothered to put an ounce of thought into anything other than what wrench he wanted to use next. Stark Sr., however, was fully invested in the wall initiative and all the benefits it reaped him while the world crumbled around him. </p><p>Loki pulled the holopad closer and swiped through the packet. Other than the new bill being pushed that would trigger a wave of cutbacks for Shatterdomes around the globe, there were some other relevant news articles, some charts, and anything else happening globally. Kaiju blue was poisoning coastal cities with no remedy in sight, although Loki also had his suspicions about why that was being stalled politically. Agriculture corporations throughout the world struggled to combat the way it laid waste to the farms and animals and although the food industry could pick up the slack elsewhere and was doing so beautifully, it didn’t stop the public from panicking as a result. </p><p>The rest of the news looked similarly dire. Political warfare. General mass stupidity. Greed. </p><p>It was all very trying and dark. Loki struggled most days to feel like he was doing any good, they could defend the world from Kaiju now, sure, but they were no closer to winning this war now than they were when he enlisted. He knew objectively he was good at his job, but his entire career had been underfunded and underappreciated and even though he was highly decorated, he had little to show for it. By the time he came into his own, the Kaiju attacks had become fewer and farther between and commonplace. The world wasn’t rocked by the idea of impending attacks anymore, they had more immediate concerns. </p><p>“What do we know from the biologists?” he asked suddenly, willing his mind to focus for just long enough to make this meeting productive.</p><p>He wasn’t here to talk about budget cuts. That was all they ever fucking talked about. They would get by as they always did. His focus, as always, was what could they do right now with what they had.</p><p>“Seismologists have been raising the alarm again,” Banner said from his right. “The last large-scale event we had was back in 2043, but even if we dismiss the Hela anomaly, recent activity suggests we’re about to see an uptick here soon.”</p><p>“How soon is soon?” Steve chimed in from the left with a frown.</p><p>“Six months is the going theory, if we’re talking generously,” Banner answered carefully.</p><p>“And in your opinion?” Loki said. He knew better than to take the scientist’s initial report, Banner always reserved his personal opinions until he was absolutely certain and he always needed a little prodding.</p><p>Banner shook his head. “I hate to be a downer but my predictions put things at two months. Six months is great if things were stable, but we’re seeing a steady rise from pretty much everywhere, so I mean the sooner we are prepared the better.”</p><p>“Good. Notify your circles that we’re acting on your predictions, if you’re right we don’t need to be leaving other domes in the dark,” Loki said. “Tony, what’s our status on the Jaegers?”</p><p>“Let’s see, Widower is ready to roll, Drifter is almost good as new if you ignore the fact that she’s in desperate need of a paint job,” Tony said, ticking them off on his fingers. “And Lucky is well on her way to exceptional. I’d say we’re in <i>almost</i> great shape.”</p><p>“How’s that dual capacity coming?”</p><p>“Working like a dream.”</p><p>“Great. Talk to finance. I want you to use every last cent you can get your hands on. Get parts, pay your teams, make them perfect. If we’re about to fight for our lives, I want them as damn near perfect as you can get them.”</p><p>“You got it, boss.”</p><p>“Rogers?”</p><p>Steve looked at him.</p><p>“I need you to keep the lines of communication open between Shatterdomes. The more information we’re sharing, the better. Nothing is off the table, if you have issues with clearance let me know.”</p><p>“Yes, sir.”</p><p>Loki spent the remaining minutes of the meeting delegating and being caught up to speed on the various departments under his command. After the past few days dealing with Thor, it felt good to be back in his normal role again. It calmed him down to know he was in control and his team was doing everything they could. He was immensely proud of them all.</p><p>As the room bent over their holotablets making final adjustments and sending memos he took a deep breath and forced his shoulders down out of his ears. They were sent right back up the very next second when the door burst open with a bang to reveal Sam. He looked more or less like he usually did, calm, no-nonsense, and forever dressed in regulation fatigues, but he was sporting a sheen on his skin from perspiration and he was breathing hard like he’d sprinted a mile to get there.</p><p>“Sorry to interrupt. We have an activity spike. Marshal Heimdall has put us on standby.”</p><p>Adrenaline shot through Loki’s veins and raised the hairs along his skin. Standby was what he wished he’d had the time to do in their last fight. It essentially readied backup from surrounding Shatterdomes to mobilize instantly if they were needed, making them more efficient the second they were called in. </p><p>You could have heard a pin drop as the room froze, trained on him with bated breath. Loki pressed his lips together, irritated.</p><p>“You all know how to go into standby I assume,” he said.</p><p>The room exploded into motion. </p><p>Loki turned to Steve. “Find my brother. Bring him to me on the bridge.”</p><p>“Marshal,” Steve began. </p><p>“Find him!” </p><p>Steve looked like he wanted to say something but settled for a curt nod before walking briskly from the room leaving Loki in the muted silence of the empty conference room.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>Being on standby involved a lot of prep and a lot of waiting and very little action. Thor had only ever seen it happen from the perspective of the bridge once before in training. Now he watched as people milled around, tight-lipped and tense-shouldered with the weight of the task at hand. Thor much preferred to be the primary line of defense in these situations, playing standby was just sitting around on pins and needles on the off chance they would be needed. He wondered if Loki felt the same.<p>He hadn’t realized how little he could do in his current position until he was ordered point blank to sit in Loki’s unused seat on the bridge and do nothing. Normally he would have fought it, but considering he didn’t even have a functional Jaeger to pilot he didn’t have much of a choice. So he settled in and watched his brother take command of the situation.</p><p>What he didn’t expect was how fascinating it was to watch his brother deftly manage the deck. Loki was responsive, level-headed, and showed an astounding level of thoughtfulness in his approach—nothing at all like the way he was over the comm to Thor. In less tense times he might have been a little irked by it, but he couldn’t quite seem to muster it right now. There was something so incredibly reassuring about watching his brother balance ruthless strategy against what Thor knew to be an intense sense of responsibility for the safety and well-being of his soldiers. He was a little unorthodox at times, maybe, but an invested leader nonetheless. It had been a long time since Thor had seen this side of him and his heart warmed to see he still had it. </p><p>If only it were ever directed at him. </p><p>It was a long night of mulling around and Thor caught himself dozing off at least three times in the gentle roar of general bridge noise. A full crew wasn’t necessary for standby, so it was just a handful of officers monitoring various channels while Loki paced back and forth, occasionally speaking with Marshall Heimdall through a heavy, long-range communication device that never left his hand. </p><p>In the end they sent Sam and Bucky down the coast as reinforcements. Val and Sif stayed behind with Widower to monitor for potential threats that might arise locally, as Banner reported mild seismic activity. It was a long night, but blessedly uneventful as far as war went. Sam and Bucky would stay at the shatterdome down the coast until they could be transported back. </p><p>It was around 0300 when Thor’s elbow slipped off the armrest and he jerked awake again. He looked around blearily. It seemed he was just in time to watch things begin to wind down for the night. He forced himself to stand before he ended up parked there until morning. There was no reason for him to be here while Loki mopped up the remaining details of their unit and stuck around to make sure Val and Sif docked safely. </p><p>If things were different between them he might have stayed. He might have waited up for him and tried to help him decompress or whatever. He might have even tried to convince him to spend the night. But Loki hadn’t needed him in over a decade and it was no longer his place to act like he had any business being there for him anymore. In fact, if Thor even tried it was likely he would only succeed in pissing him off further. Still, he hesitated in the cold, steel doorway and watched Loki’s face as it reflected the colors of the holoscreens around him. He looked exhausted. </p><p>Against his better instincts, Thor left him there.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>A scant few hours later he woke up, cold and alone in his bed. Thor flipped onto his back and lay there, letting his alarm shriek at him from the bedside table. These days he found himself in a funk that he couldn’t quite shake and it was a dark, inescapable vortex named Loki that was the cause of it all. He woke up thinking about him, went to bed thinking about him, was constantly irritated by him, but above all he simply couldn’t escape him.<p>And he fucking tried. </p><p>He was well aware that years of hurt and betrayal couldn't be fixed with a single conversation, but there was still part of him that resented that it couldn’t. He suspected Loki wasn’t telling him the whole story, but it was hard not to feel like he was being unfairly blamed for things that he had tried to fix by enlisting in the first place. </p><p>He slapped his hand on the bedside table to shut the alarm off and swung his legs out of bed, already dreading the day and having to navigate whatever prickly mood his brother was likely to be in later. </p><p>“So, you ready for the big jump today?” Sam asked as he sat down for breakfast. </p><p>Sam was looking offensively awake for how early it was. He had three stacks of toast, a heap of eggs, and a couple questionable looking pieces of bacon balancing on top of it. Thor looked at him blankly and then looked at his own tray that had the same amount of food, but he’d grabbed substantially more of the bacon. </p><p>“What the hell are you doing, you know you can’t ask them questions in the morning,” Bucky dropped down beside his copilot, gesturing between Thor and Steve who looked almost worse off than Thor felt. </p><p>He took a large gulp of coffee and didn’t even wince as it burned its way down his esophagus. </p><p>“Yeah, I’m remembering that now,” said Sam, looking at him worriedly. “You okay, buddy? That coffee was real hot.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Val appeared and slammed her tray down on the table and dropped in next to Thor, looking like hell. “You get used to it.” </p><p>The table watched in stunned silence as she chugged an entire steaming cup of coffee in one go, crushed the cup, and tossed it at the garbage can a table away. It sailed over the heads of several people and landed neatly in the basket. </p><p>“Nice shot, babe,” Sif said admiringly, strolling up with two cups of coffee in hand.</p><p>Like Sam, she looked entirely too awake and put together for the hour, her long hair pulled back in a ponytail on top of her head. She handed one of the cups to Val, who looked at her like she was an angel who dropped out of heaven. Bucky stood and pushed his own coffee over to Thor. </p><p>“Here,” he said, “You look like you’re about to pass out into your eggs.”</p><p>Thor took it and poked at his breakfast as the awake members of their group lapsed into conversation. Sam had reminded him that it was Monday again, which meant he was headed back to the simulator today. His stomach twisted nervously. </p><p>“Dude, you have got to stop doing that at the table,” Sam’s voice cut into his anxious thoughts. </p><p>Thor looked at him in confusion. “What—?”</p><p>“Eyepatch,” Sam said pointedly. </p><p>Thor hadn’t even realized he’d popped it off and was nervously scratching at the scar tissue that lined his socket. He quickly picked the smooth little piece of metal off the table and put it back in place. </p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>“Nah, it’s fine,” Sam said, waving him off and looking a little green. “It doesn’t make me queasy or anything.”</p><p>“Oh my god, you’re a fainter aren’t you?” Val asked Sam. “I bet you pass out when they draw blood, huh?”</p><p>Sam’s deep laughter filled the space. “I’m not answering that, no way.”</p><p>“You totally pass out when they draw blood.”</p><p>“How are you feeling about today, Thor?” Sif asked, leaning on her elbows to look at him. </p><p>Thor smiled broadly in what he knew was a dead-eyed smile, “Great.”</p><p>“I’m sure you’ll do just fine,” Sif said encouragingly. “Having two brains in a Jaeger has got to be easier than just one.”</p><p>His stomach flipped as he nodded. Easier in theory, maybe, but the mere thought of sharing his memories with Loki was enough to make him want to vomit. There was so much in his head that he hadn’t shared with his brother and never intended on sharing with him. Now he was going to be able to live through them. It made him want to die. So much had happened so fast, and just getting to the point where he was able to pilot again had taken up so much space in his life that he hadn’t stopped to think about what that entailed. There was no way to filter which memories he saw, and if his recent memory served, the worst memories always came first. He pushed his plate away. </p><p>“Ah hell, Sif, look you made him nervous,” Val complained.</p><p>“Thor, baby, don’t be nervous. It’s gonna be fine,” Sif said soothingly, reaching across the table to grasp his hand in a firm, reassuring way. </p><p>“I mean, listen, if I can pilot with this jackass,” Sam jerked his head towards Bucky. “You’ll find a way to make it work. Trust me.”</p><p>Bucky calmly took a bite of bacon, flipped his plastic knife, and with expert swiftness stabbed it between Sam’s fingers on the table. It snapped in half harmlessly.</p><p>“Thanks, I feel better already,” Thor said dryly.</p><p>“Sounds like you’re just going to have to woman up,” said Val, slapping a palm down on the table and grinning widely. “It’s about damn time, too. Sif and I can’t be the only ones making this Shatterdome look good.”</p><p>That earned her groans from around the table with the exception of Sif, who gave her an elaborate high five. Bucky made some kind of quip that Sif responded to and they dissolved into a loud conversation, while Steve somehow managed to slowly mow through his food in the same, sleep-heavy manner he’d sat down with.</p><p>Thor tried to put drifting from his mind.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>After breakfast they worked out. It felt good to sweat and not be able to form a single coherent thought while Sif all but screamed in his face as he completed her hundred-rep squat challenge. At rep 100, he somehow managed to rack the bar and then sank to the floor where he lay there, content to perish in a pool of his own sweat as Sif bent down and slapped him proudly in the chest.<p>After that he spent the afternoon wrestling with his nerves and failing miserably. He moved from his room to one of the lounges, to an unfrequented area that had originally been a training room and then was turned into a makeshift storage space, until ultimately ending up on the flat ledge above the training rooms. He lay there, listening intently to the bustle of the Shatterdome while carefully balancing on his back, enduring the hard metal pressing into his shoulder blades as a distraction. </p><p>But eventually it was time.</p><p>He immediately felt himself begin to sweat as he stepped into the warm, humid little room. The air in simulator rooms was always heavy no matter how fast the big industrial fans spun above them. He looked at the platform with some apprehension. He had been having trouble before, but now...well, there were so many factors here that could go wrong he didn’t know where to start. </p><p>Somebody cleared their throat behind him. </p><p>“I assume you have to put the helmet on in order for it to work,” Loki said dryly, coming to stand beside him. </p><p>Thor’s chest constricted. If anybody was going to drift with him he wanted it to be his brother and he didn’t. There was nobody else he would rather share his memories with, but he also would have opted to never share them in the first place, given the choice.</p><p>“Listen,” he began. </p><p>Loki held up a hand to silence him. For once he also seemed to be a little apprehensive. “We’re both going to learn things about each other. I think you can agree that we—”</p><p>“—will never speak of them, yes. Excellent.” Thor finished for him, smiling a little. </p><p>Loki seemed like he wanted to smile but instead the corners of his mouth just tightened. Thor took the accompanying eye roll as an acceptable substitute, because with Loki it was as good as. He didn’t know what had changed, but ever since the compatibility skrimages his brother had been downright docile, even sweet at times with him. Maybe they didn’t hate each other past the point of no return, maybe there was still some hope left for them. </p><p>It was more than he could possibly dare to dream. </p><p>He shoved the thoughts aside hastily and followed his brother to the platform. </p><p>“So, the foot plates will lock automatically when you—”</p><p>“I know how to run a simulation, Thor,” Loki snapped, shooting him a glare. “I wasn’t born yesterday.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Thor raised his hands apologetically. </p><p>He stepped into his own plates and set about booting up the program and wiping down the interior of the practice helmet. He had never used the co-op option before so his fingers automatically danced over the screen and sent him into solo mode. The game chirped at him as he sighed and terminated the game and restarted. One day, they would have time and tech to update their equipment and he would be able to make mistakes like this and not have to wait fifteen minutes for a reboot. What a day that would be. </p><p>Beside him, Loki made a strangled noise, just barely audible like he’d been trying to be discreet. Thor looked over and nearly laughed out loud at what he saw. Loki was bent over his side of the cockpit, trying to figure out how to step into the foot plates and get them to lock. In the process, he’d gotten the edge of his pant leg clipped to one leg while he struggled to get the other locked into place, his cheeks growing more pink by the second. </p><p>“Can I—?”</p><p>“Don’t!” Loki panted, holding up a finger to shut him up.  </p><p>Thor’s smile grew with unbearable fondness as he watched his brother struggle for a moment longer before he unclipped his own feet and walked over. </p><p>“Here,” he said gently. “May I?”</p><p>Loki straightened and blew out an irritable puff of air. He waved dramatically and stared crossly at the wall as Thor dropped down on one knee to release his foot from the plate that had him stuck. It was nothing really, but Thor found himself enjoying the simple act of helping his brother, never one to admit he needed help. God, they were so similar. </p><p>“There,” he said, gently guiding Loki’s foot from the metal clasps as they came undone. </p><p>He sat back onto his heels and made a point to coach Loki through set up without an ounce of judgment. Loki was right, they barely knew each other anymore. He was also wrong in that they also knew everything about each other. </p><p>“Thanks,” Loki said stiffly. </p><p>Thor smiled a little, straightened and handed him the worn helmet. “Do you know what to expect going into drift?”</p><p>“Pain and misery?” Loki asked, settling the helmet on to his head. </p><p>Thor gave him a wry smile and was suddenly struck by how very small Loki looked standing there, dressed in fatigues instead of his usual pristine uniform. The proud lines of his strong shoulders looked less intimidating and more like the new muscle of a soldier just out of basic. It was no longer the formidable Marshal Odinson standing there but rather his little brother behind a cloudy, beat up visor. Thor felt a violent pang of sadness. </p><p>“I don’t have all day for this, Thor,” Loki said with a flash of irritation. </p><p>Thor cleared his throat gruffly and moved back to his station, swallowing the lump that had appeared in his throat. He pushed all the right buttons this time and pulled the helmet over his head as the graphics flickered onto the screen. </p><p>
  <i>[ESTABLISH PILOT TO PILOT CONNECTION]</i>
</p><p>Thor sucked in a breath. He hit engage. Sharp pain and a slippery sensation flooded his brain. He heard Loki gasp softly next to him and experienced a primal reflex, his fight-or-flight kicking in automatically at the sense that Loki was in pain. </p><p>He shoved it down and waited for the pull of the drift. If he could have described it, he would have said it felt like there was static in his brain, a kind of cottony feeling that settled over his mind and felt a bit like nails on a chalkboard. Loki made a pained sound beside him and Thor instantly terminated the connection before he even had a chance to think about it. </p><p>“Did you feel that?” he asked, frowning. </p><p>Loki looked like he wanted to either throw up or stab something. “You mean the nails in my brain?”</p><p>“Well, at least we’re on the same page,” Thor said grimly. “Let’s try it again.”</p><p>Loki looked like he would rather peel his own skin off, but he nodded and tugged the helmet a little more snugly against his head. Thor rapped his knuckles against his own helmet and hit engage. </p><p>A white-hot stab of pain hit him right between the eyes.</p><p>"Jesus, <i>fuck</i>!" He fumbled with the helmet and yanked it off.</p><p>He slapped the terminal to abort the session and turned to Loki who had fallen to his knees next to him, cradling his head in a silent cry.</p><p>"Shit, are you okay?”</p><p>“I’m not made of glass, dipshit,” Loki said weakly, pushing himself upright. </p><p>Thor frowned at him. “This is not how this usually goes.”</p><p>“No,” Loki said. “But nothing is ever easy when you’re involved then, is it?”</p><p>“Ha. Ha.”</p><p>They ended up trying a couple different times. Establishing drift was not supposed to be this hard. To Thor it felt like they were being dropped into the same space but separated by a giant wall, unable to connect. Once or twice he thought he felt Loki’s presence hanging just out of reach, but every time he tried to reach for it he came up short and they either had to terminate or got ejected from drift altogether. They kept at it for at least another hour, but ultimately they ended up nowhere closer to connecting than when they first started. In fact, the nails on the chalkboard scraped through the drift with such intensity the last time that it effectively ended their session, intended or not. Loki didn’t vomit, but Thor did.</p><p>“Nice,” Loki snorted at him and tossed a towel at him, keeping a solid several feet away from him for good measure. </p><p>“Shut up,” Thor rasped, sitting down with a thump and closing his eye, feeling drained. How Loki managed to keep himself together even after a session like that was beyond him. </p><p>“Try again tomorrow?” Loki asked him delicately. </p><p>Thor peeled open his eye and looked at him intently through sweat-beaded eyelashes. “What, you’re not just going to tell me to fuck off?”</p><p>Loki looked him dead in the eye. “Fuck off.”</p><p>Thor spent the rest of the day in one of two large recreation areas, feet propped up on a metal table in the mess hall, researching on his laptop and pouring over old journals and reports from early Jaeger training logs. He'd put up a very blasé front in the simulation rooms, but truthfully he was concerned. Very concerned. He couldn't connect with Loki in the drift when, for all intents and purposes, it should have been a breeze. It wasn’t like he hadn’t ever drifted before, he’d even drifted with people who were hilariously incompatible and managed to make it work. It didn’t make sense that he and Loki’s unconscious mind just kind of floated there next to each other, aware and willing, but with some kind of wall that prevented a joint pathway to open up.</p><p>“So, how’d it go?”</p><p>Thor looked up from his fifth cup of coffee, trying and failing to stifle a giant yawn. Steve chuckled and tossed his own book onto the table and sat down across from him. </p><p>“That’s either a great sign or a terrible one,” Steve said.</p><p>“Ugh,” Thor put the holotablet down and slumped over it, defeated.</p><p>“So, not good then” Steve said. “Anything I can do to help?”</p><p>Thor knew his friend was offering just to be nice. They both knew there was no external help that would make a difference with a drift issue. Either you were compatible or you weren’t and that was it. It wasn’t the incompatibility that was the issue, either, it was the fact that they were compatible and yet it wasn’t working. It should have been seamless. </p><p>“Have you ever seen a compatible team fail to work?” he asked, his words muffled into his elbow.</p><p>Steve was silent for a moment. Thor levered himself up onto his elbow and looked grumpily at him. Steve wasn’t a pilot, but he was an experienced captain and had worked with over ten pilot teams during his career. </p><p>“I’ve seen pilots go through rough patches that affected drift, but not quite so severe that they couldn’t connect at all,” Steve said thoughtfully. “Have you considered maybe you just need to talk?”</p><p>“Why does everybody tell me I need to talk, have none of you seen my brother? <i>You</i> try talking to him,” Thor said irritably. “The last time Loki and I had a conversation that didn’t end in blood my balls hadn’t dropped.”</p><p>Steve snorted. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe that’s your problem?”</p><p>“You’re no help.”</p><p>“Hey, don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>They didn’t talk. They reconvened in the simulation room the following day and Thor stood on the platform again, wishing he’d had the balls to say something. Instead he tugged his helmet on and cracked his neck.<p>"Just do it," Loki growled beside him.</p><p>He'd been moody all day and Thor was determined to make the best of it. He didn't like this any more than his brother did, but at least he was pleasant about it. Thor braced himself for the initial stab of pain and suddenly he was...somewhere else. Somewhere bright.</p><p>“Loki…?” he ventured, reaching out tentatively.</p><p>There was a sharp tug at his forehead and suddenly he was plunged into darkness.</p><p>
  <i>He was in his brother's room back at their old house.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Shit. Shitshitshitshitshitshit. He hadn’t even felt the suggestive pull of drift this time. That was...good? This didn’t feel good.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Loki?” he asked, reaching out again as he felt his brother’s presence flood the space.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>There was a sniffle to his left and the rustle of pressed fabric. Loki himself walked past, buttoned up to the neck and tied with a sleek black tie. It was a very young Loki, not a day over eighteen. His eyes were rimmed red, but dry. Thor followed him to the mirror in the hallway where he paused, taking a deep breath and smoothing his hair, staring at himself in the mirror.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The door downstairs slammed open.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Lokes?"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Thor heard his own voice float up the stairs. Oh no. He knew exactly what memory this was.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Loki," He hissed, looking up into the ceiling and waving his arms frantically. "This isn't real! Come on!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>No response.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Lokes, you home?" he heard his voice float back up the stairs again.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Beside him, younger Loki stiffened and a look flitted over his face before it hardened and he turned to go downstairs.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>That was odd. He remembered being so relieved to be home that day despite the circumstances. He hadn’t noticed that Loki didn’t feel the same way. He stopped trying to get present-day Loki to yank them out of the memory, curiosity getting the better of him. He followed young Loki down the stairs, his heavy armor making no sound on the small hardwood steps.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"There you are! Oh, thank god!" Thor watched his younger self blow right past Loki’s tense body language and pull him into a crushing embrace. "I'm so sorry it took me so long, how are you holding up?"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Loki hugged him back briefly and released him. He looked...guarded. Thor didn’t miss the fact that he hastily plastered a weak smile on his face as soon as they broke apart.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"I'm okay,” Loki said. “Funeral is in a half hour, are you ready?"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Yeah, just let me change."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Loki's face remained passive as Thor watched himself drop a gentle kiss on his forehead and leave to go up the stairs to change into his suit. As soon as his heels disappeared on the top step, Loki let out a tense breath and let his shoulders sag.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Thor’s chest squeezed painfully. He instinctively reached out a hand towards his brother just as the dream shuddered and skipped.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>They were drunk and they were angry. Thor felt his heart sink as he watched the scene unfold. He didn’t want to see this.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Loki, hey," he tried calling through the drift again, looking upward. "Loki, it’s nothing more than a memory, you have to let go."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>No response. He reluctantly turned to watch.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"How could you say that?" his own voice was grating to his ears. "I did this for you! For all of us!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Yeah, well, nobody asked you to join the Jaeger program, Thor," Loki said bitterly, his guard was down.  He'd already had a lot to drink. They both had that night.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"I'm protecting people this way! I'm protecting you!" Thor watched himself slosh his drink in the cheap tumblers from the kitchen cabinets.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"No, you're not!" Loki cried. "You should be here, with me! With your family!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"We're at war, Loki! I can't just sit at home and do nothing! I've worked so hard!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"You're being selfish!" Loki cried. "You're selfish and you're arrogant and you don't care."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Bullshit!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Glass shattered as Thor threw his drink at the wall. Loki jumped and tears sprang to his eyes.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Do you know how hard this has been for me?" Loki asked, his own glass shaking in his hand. "To look after dad? To go to work? And you show up at a funeral after months, acting like some savior of the world because, what, you joined the force? Big fucking deal."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"I have it hard too, Loki! Do you have any idea what training for this is like? I am exhausted!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"So am I!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Yeah, well, you're not exactly saving the world, though, are you!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Loki blanched and Thor cringed as he watched himself bulldoze right over it.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"You know what, forget it, you wouldn't understand. I'll sleep in my own room tonight."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Thor flexed his fingers, remembering the feel of the false crystal doorknob beneath his fingers as he slammed it behind him that night.</i>
</p><p>The memory jolted.</p><p>
  <i>He was in a shower now, surrounded by billows of steam. It took him a moment to notice that Loki sat in the corner in shambles, his funeral clothes drenched, both hands desperately pressed over his mouth to keep from making noise as he cried.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>He slammed out of the memory with a gasp. The force of it threw them into a true neutral and for a moment they were suspended in perfect drift, a clear space that felt like a deep breath of the purest mountain air. Then there was a horrible snap like the brittle sound of a new piano wire stretched just past it’s breaking point, and all of Loki’s emotions came tumbling through.<p>Rage.</p><p>Confusion. </p><p>Loneliness.</p><p>Pain.</p><p>It hit Thor like a tidal wave and it was all he could do to hold on as his brain absorbed it all at once. He was drowning. He flailed for the control panel, gasping for air as he felt walls close in around him, crushing him, pressing against his chest until he couldn’t breathe. When the link terminated it was like a cord gone slack and all the tension was released at once. </p><p>He sagged in relief.</p><p>Next to him, Loki ripped off his helmet. He was livid.</p><p>"Fuck this!" he spat, releasing himself from the rest of the equipment, impatiently waiting for his feet to unlock. "I'm done."</p><p>"Loki, wait!" Thor struggled with his own helmet.</p><p>Loki snapped out of his boots and stormed off the platform.</p><p>"Loki!" He shouted in panic, only realizing how vulnerable it sounded after it spilled from his lips.</p><p>Loki paused. Thor could see him shaking with rage, even from a distance. He took a steadying breath.</p><p>"Please, just give it a chance?" he begged quietly. "This is all I have left."</p><p>Loki looked like he wanted to scream, but he simply turned and marched smartly from the room while Thor watched the last of his hopes follow him out the door.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>It felt like he’d just been plunged into the arctic. Loki held it together just long enough to make it back to his quarters before his knees gave way beneath him. He eased the door shut and sank to the ground, pulling his knees into his chest and hugging them tightly to keep from shaking so much. It wasn't like he hadn't drifted before, every soldier had, but he'd never dipped into that particular memory before and he had never gotten so entrenched that he couldn't pull himself out.<p>He sat like that for a long time.</p><p>Eventually the shock faded and was replaced with a familiar numbness. With the end of the Jaeger program in sight and the narrowing possibilities of winning this insane war slipping through their fingers, he didn’t have any choice but to keep every asset on the board as possible. It didn’t make him feel any less like Thor was asking too much of him, yet again. He had asked too much of him already without waiting for an answer because he was Thor, and because deep down he knew that Loki couldn't say no to him. </p><p>Loki peeled himself up off the floor and went to his desk. His hands shook as he set up a line of the powder he kept for emergencies and dipped his head with a short, sharp inhale. He leaned back and let the rush smooth out his mind. </p><p>He didn’t sleep that night by choice, running through all his options in his head over and over again. By the time his alarm chimed and the screen by his bed began lighting up with the morning reports, he had come to a decision.</p><p>Loki pushed himself away from his desk and stretched.</p><p>A shower. Another uniform. Another day.</p><p>He punched in Thor's number on the intercom and buzzed him. He pressed it several times in succession, purposefully being annoying because Thor was undoubtedly asleep.</p><p>"Yeah?" sure enough Thor's voice was deep and scratchy over the channel static.</p><p>"I'll do it," Loki said bluntly.</p><p>"Really—"</p><p>Loki hung up before he could change his mind. His breath was uneven. He still wasn't sure he was making the right call here, but it was going to happen either way.</p><p>He'd never been able to say no to Thor.</p><p>Later that day he walked into the training room and wasn't surprised to see his brother already on the platform ready to go.</p><p>"Loki—"</p><p>"Not a word," Loki said shortly, plucking his helmet from the stand. "And I don’t want your commentary on anything you see in the drift. Standard pilot protocols apply, even between us.” He fixed his brother with a stare and was proud of himself for how level it was. “Have I made myself absolutely clear?”</p><p>Thor inclined his head in possibly the most obedient gesture he'd done in his life. Satisfied for now, Loki stepped onto the foot plates and pulled his helmet on and strapped into place.</p><p>Somewhere to his right he heard Thor’s voice. "Initiating drift."</p><p>Loki felt a cool stab of pain between his eyes and the brief sensation of being plunged into water.</p><p>Then he was alone. Again. But this time he was ready.</p><p>
  <i>The first memory hit and he was barefoot, on a wooden deck at their parents house, desperately trying to see through his tears as Thor's broad shoulders disappeared onto the bus. He watched his handsome face appear in the window, a large hand pressed against the glass as it carried him away.</i>
</p><p>His stomach dropped out from beneath him and he slammed into his parent's kitchen.</p><p>
  <i>Odin was yelling at him for the umpteenth time. He'd brought home bad grades, or he'd forgotten the trash in the bathroom again, or he'd put the pasta in the wrong container. He was tearing up again. And then Odin collapsed. A phone was in his hands but his hands were shaking so badly he couldn't push the right buttons fast enough. Then there were sirens.</i>
</p><p>Loki surfaced out of the dream with a gasp, his mind scrabbling for reality, if he could just—</p><p>
  <i>Gravel crunched beneath his threadbare converse as he ran. His legs were on fire as they churned beneath him. He looked behind, a delighted if slightly terrified grin on his lips, and then he was rolling, skidding across the pavement in the parking lot as people gasped and moved out of the way. He scrambled to get up but they were already on him. There was a flash of bright pink hair and a fist.</i>
</p><p>With a massive effort he clawed his way back up to reality and hit the kill switch on the simulator. The icy feeling over his mind receded and he was left staring at the scratched visor with the smell of old upholstery and cracked vinyl.</p><p>Beside him he saw Thor reach out a hand to steady himself. Good. Maybe the moron would learn exactly how shitty he'd been for leaving all those years ago. Everything might have been okay if only he'd stayed.</p><p>"Loki, I—" he began.</p><p>Loki cuffed him upside the head with a muffled 'clunk'. "I said not a word."</p><p>"Sorry, sorry," Thor raised his palms in surrender.</p><p>It was amazing how submissive his brother could be when he wanted something this badly.</p><p>"That felt better, though,” Thor said. “Was it better?"</p><p>Loki stared at him for a moment, considering either strangling him with one of the available cords around them or simply stabbing him. More time for that later. </p><p>"It was...fine." he said begrudgingly.</p><p>He'd been drowning, sure, but he'd managed to get out. And he would be lying to himself if he said he wasn't dying to know if he could still do it.</p><p>He didn't give his brother a warning when he hit the switch again. He felt no little amount of satisfaction when Thor yelped beside him as he was yanked back into the drift. Loki surrendered to it as his feet were yanked out from beneath him.</p><p>Okay. He could do this.</p><p>
  <i>He was sitting at the dinner table and beaming as his father praised him for his art project. Thor kicked him under the table and gave him a roguish wink and a thumbs up.</i>
</p><p>He could do this.</p><p>
  <i>Applause surrounded him and the stage lights went dark. Thor was standing just off stage, drowning in a suit two sizes too big for him with a smile just as large plastered on his face. He had a little bouquet of wildflowers, clearly ones he'd picked on the way there, clutched in his hand.</i>
</p><p>He could do this.</p><p>
  <i>Thor was standing in front of him, too close to be acceptable for a brother, not close enough for the way Loki's heart was beating in his throat. He surged forward and Thor caught him. Thor always caught him.</i>
</p><p>He broke the surface of the dream and landed in the simulation room.</p><p>"Fucking hell!" he gasped.</p><p>Tears were streaming down his face unbidden as he killed the program and fumbled with the helmet.</p><p>"Hey, hey," Thor was already out of his equipment and in front of him, reaching to take the helmet as he finally yanked it off his head.</p><p>Loki unstrapped his feet and bent forward, leaning against his knees as his mind came down from overdrive. He laughed, a release of frantic energy more than anything.</p><p>"Hey," Thor put the helmet down and knelt swiftly in front of him. "Are you okay?"</p><p>Loki gasped unevenly trying to regain control. "Peachy."</p><p>Thor's lips quirked tentatively, then out of nowhere he produced a candy bar and offered it. Loki eyed him suspiciously before swiping it and ripping the wrapper off. After all, it was his favorite. He chose not to think about whether that was intentional on his brother's part or not.</p><p>"You just carry this shit around with you?" he asked.</p><p>Thor looked pleased with himself. "Maybe."</p><p>Intentional, then. Loki shook his head and finished it in one bite, tossing the wrapper into the bin just off the platform. Thor clapped his hands together.</p><p>"Ready to go again?"</p><p>"You are going to kill me," Loki said dryly. "Yes, let's go again."</p><p>He used the back of his wrist to wipe his eyes and then held out his hand for the helmet.</p><p>They advanced from there rapidly, eventually only dipping into memories for brief seconds and managing to maintain lucidity throughout. It was better than he could have hoped for in a day's work.</p><p>"Like riding a bike," Thor said with a grin, pulling his head out of his helmet and looking positively thrilled. His hair was a mussed disaster of tangles, sticking this way and that and drenched in sweat.</p><p>Loki was irritated to feel himself drawn to him. For a brief moment he saw the Thor the way he wanted to remember him; devilishly handsome, unbearably sweet, not quite so cynical, not quite so scarred. He blinked and the image was gone.</p><p>"Tomorrow?" Thor asked, wiping down his equipment.</p><p>Loki swallowed, his throat suddenly dry.</p><p>"Yeah," he said faintly, blinking and beginning to do the same. "Yeah, tomorrow."</p><p>Thor clicked his tongue and pointed a finger at him and leapt lightly off the platform. He wobbled a bit on the landing, the only indication that he was still learning to exist half-blind. Loki picked his water bottle up off the floor and took a long drink.</p><p>"Loki..."</p><p>He looked over to see Thor still standing there, looking awkward.</p><p>"Thanks."</p><p>Loki looked at his brother, standing there with his massive arms dangling by his sides, his single blue eye staring back, surprisingly unguarded. Earnest. Something softened inside of him.</p><p>"You're welcome," he said quietly.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>&lt;3 much love to you all</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>you break, you buy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit //</strong>
</p><p>Something happened in the weeks to come, even as reports filed in from around the world with worse and worse news, Thor found himself waking up before his alarm feeling alive with the prospect of success on the horizon. He could pilot again, he was going to be okay. He hit the gym before anybody else was there, he joined in training with cadets and helped run skirmishes when Loki was in meetings, and every evening he met his brother in the training simulator to run through scenarios. </p><p>They weren’t perfect, they still experienced issues in the drift and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to let down enough walls, but they were getting better. And progress was progress. </p><p>Something settled in his chest that felt strangely like hope. </p><p>Loki’s demeanor had even changed towards him. Instead of outright hostile, he was tentatively cooperative with rare instances of that sharp, dry humor of his. Thor tried desperately not to read into it, but it felt like he was finally getting his brother back against all odds. </p><p>It was thrilling to feel even a fraction of their potential together. They were the best the force had to offer, even modestly speaking. Together they were unstoppable; in a Jaeger they might just save the goddamn world. </p><p>He opened the door of his small bathroom and let the sad puff of steam from his shower float lazily out into the equally humid air of his quarters. The holoscreen projected over his desk was blinking glumly, lighting up his meager, overstuffed shelves with a red glow. Reports used to come in once, maybe twice a day if that, but with Hela they came almost every hour now.</p><p>The floor was chilly against his bare feet as he walked over and woke the system up with a wave, tucking his towel around his waist and making circles with one arm experimentally. Sif had switched up her workout plans and now his shoulders were going to be recovering for a week after completing entirely too many handstand pushups under her iron, chalk-dusted thumb. He took a swig from his water bottle and sat down, popping his patch over his socket and accessing the first of the reports with a flick of his fingers. </p><p>Haiti. India. Japan. Greece.</p><p>Jesus. He tapped a rhythm against the patch and swiped through a couple more damage reports and then twisted his wrist to shuffle through to the science section. Banner usually compiled the most relevant data into a less pretentious document, but being overwhelmed with his own research at the moment it was just a jumbled mess of analysis compiled by various scientists around the world.</p><p>Thor leaned his elbows on the desk and scanned through each one, frowning. There wasn’t a whole lot to go on, mostly it was just theory in the wind. There was only so much they could work with before they were just throwing out wild ideas and waiting for one to stick. It didn’t help that Hela didn’t seem to have any counterpart to track, it was just her and she was nothing like any of the other Kaiju and they were nowhere closer to understanding where she would show up next. </p><p>Humming thoughtfully, he pulled up a list of her recent appearances to cross reference with. Hours passed as he scoured information, saving the important ones to a file on his desktop to compile later. A lot of pilots didn’t look too much into the research and Thor didn’t blame them, it took a lot of time and effort that not a lot of them had, but he tended to make the time for it. As unit lead and pilot he felt a special responsibility to understand more than the surface of their enemy when he could. He had always held the belief that nothing was unbeatable. Hela was no different, he just had to study her harder.</p><p>In the lower, left hand corner of the screen a little icon popped up. It was immediately recognizable. How Val had managed to talk Tony into coding a specific emoji for her that looked both bored and rude at the same time was beyond him, but there it was, rattling at the base of his screen until he chose to answer it. </p><p>
  <i>| Valkyrie69: so, did you say sorry yet</i>
</p><p>Thor made a frustrated sound and covered his face with both palms. So maybe he’d gotten drunk the other night and <i>maybe</i> he’d decided to spill all his woes in detail to a very interested, but very supportive Val. Despite the high of knowing he could continue to pilot, the downside was he couldn’t stop seeing Loki’s memories in his head. Every time he closed his eye they replayed over and over again until he thought he might go insane. Of course, they had agreed not to talk about what they saw in the drift and Thor had honored that, but the more he thought about it the worse it became. </p><p>It made him want to curl into a ball of shame to watch his brother’s life crumble when he’d been away fighting for him to have that life. He always thought he was putting his family first, he had signed up for this war because his talent was fighting. How better to protect them, than to fight? </p><p>As it turned out, he’d done quite the opposite. </p><p>It had taken an embarrassingly long time for him to understand it, but he thought now maybe he finally did. </p><p>Val hadn’t stopped bothering him since. </p><p>
  <i>| Valkyrie69: i know you’re online, dumbass</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkyrie69: you’ve never known how to lurk properly</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkryie69 is typing…</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkyrie69: just tell me and i’ll leave you alone</i>
</p><p>Thor activated his keyboard. It flickered across his desk, illuminating a sheen of dust and unfortunate coffee stains that he’d sworn to clean up at least a month ago. </p><p>
  <i>| GodOfThunder: uuuugh, leave me alone</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| GodOfThunder: i don’t even know what to say</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkyrie69: sorry i was a dick. see i just did it for you in five words</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| GodOfThunder: it’s not that easy</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkyrie69: sorry, didn’t realize you were a coward</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| GodOfThunder: lol i hate you</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkyrie69: i mean, are you sorry or aren’t you</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| GodOfThunder: yes, of course i am</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkyrie69: there you go, then. time suck it up, your royal highness</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkryie69 is typing…</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkyrie69: you just gotta own your shit, nobody else can do it for you. do it and then call me when i can tell you i told you so. love you.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| GodOfThunder: love you too, val</i>
</p><p>
  <i>| Valkryie69 is offline.</i>
</p><p>He chewed his lip as the chat blipped out of sight and left him staring at a grainy photo of Hela. She was mid-roar, glowing neon blue, and her frill was backlit by a lumpy, soft-looking organ that was also a neon blue. Funny, he hadn’t noticed that before. Three fingers flicked and zoomed him in. He was so immersed that it caught him completely off guard when there was a knock at his door. The towel fell from his waist as he shot up out of his chair and he nearly tripped on it as he scrambled for a tshirt. </p><p>“One minute!” he said, hopping on one leg to get his other leg into his sweatpants. </p><p>He hastily flung open the door to find his brother standing there looking drawn but not hostile. He always looked like he’d had a long day, but the circles beneath his eyes were deep and the lines around his mouth were pinched like he’d been holding a terse smile since he got up. It made him wonder just how often Loki overworked himself in his position. Thor had never taken the time to notice before, but it made him want to do stupid shit like take care of him. It seemed some impulses hadn’t left him completely after all. </p><p>“Are we doing this or what?” Loki asked, eyeing him up and down suspiciously.</p><p>“Oh, shit. Yeah, I just gotta—” Thor scratched his head and looked around, trying to gather his thoughts. “I totally forgot. Here, come in for a second.”</p><p>Loki sighed and followed him into the little room. Thor awkwardly rifled through his remaining clean clothes for a pair of fatigues. The last time he invited his brother into his quarters...well, it had been his room and it was long before he became a pilot. Loki had been in his space here at the Shatterdome of course, but never at Thor’s request. This was a first. It was so casual, it shouldn’t have been a big deal, but his heart fluttered rebelliously in his chest.</p><p>He should have just said it then.</p><p>But he didn’t.</p><p>Looking over to where Loki stood, his brother had one hand behind his back in a tight fist, the other extended, his long, graceful fingers running along the spines of the few books Thor had managed to acquire in his time at this particular dome. They were a source of pride for him and a relatively unknown thing about his life here. There were a couple political biographies, a Jaeger manual, and some much-beloved fantasy books that he couldn’t resist getting his hands on. Even he needed a break from fighting aliens sometimes.</p><p>“You’re welcome to borrow anything if you like,” he blurted out, tugging a different, regulation shirt over his head. “I know there’s not much there that suits you, but you’re welcome to any of it.”</p><p>Loki’s lips twitched as he turned away from the shelf and clasped his free hand behind him. “It surprises me that you have books, brother,” Then a flash of mischief darted across his face. “I wasn’t aware you could read.”</p><p>Thor glared at him without heat and reached for the deodorant. “You are the worst.”</p><p>“I have many certified accomplishments that say otherwise.”</p><p>“Is that so?” asked Thor, shrugging into a light training jacket and giving his brother a look.</p><p>It was an innocent enough gesture, but he knew it was a mistake the second it happened. Loki’s calm green eyes locked with his and he couldn’t look away. It had been so long since he’d looked at them, truly looked at them. Even from this distance he noted the slight deviation in color in his left eye. A small dart of color, a bronzy hazel that stood out against the rest. He used to stare into those eyes until they were all he saw when he fell asleep at night. He would know them anywhere. In any crowd. </p><p>It wasn’t a conscious decision he made, but suddenly he was standing in front of him, chest to chest, very nearly surprised by the fact that Loki no longer looked up at him, but met his gaze evenly, chin lifted slightly in perpetual defiance. As if to deflect a challenge that had yet to make itself clear. </p><p>Thor’s heart beat heavily in his chest. He swore Loki could hear it thundering in his ears, giving away the secrets he no longer cared about keeping to himself. Not from his brother. They had once been completely at the mercy of the other. Unbearably in love. Stupid with it. Thor knew in his heart of hearts he would never love anybody the way he had loved Loki.</p><p>He was moving, his fingers coming up to cradle the soft skin of Loki’s jaw, gentle enough to tip his head just so. He hesitated just bare millimeters away, a silent question, an out if Loki so desired. </p><p>A small intake of breath and Thor closed the distance. Emotion rushed through him all at once, filling him up and making it to where he almost couldn’t breathe from the weight of it. The sensation of Loki, pressed against him so familiar and yet so new all at the same time. He didn’t ever want it to stop. And then, as soon as it started, it was over. </p><p>He could only hear his own breath in his ears as they parted. Loki’s cheeks were flushed and he looked embarrassed and a little irritated, but he didn’t step away. It was only when he looked down that Thor realized he had a hand resting firmly on his hip. He released him immediately, heat rushing to his cheeks as some random words came out of his mouth, he didn’t know what he meant to say, only to express his apology. </p><p>Loki cleared his throat and looked away. “We should go.”</p><p>Thor managed a nod and followed him out the door.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>The softness wasn’t meant to last. It never did with them, Loki thought bitterly. How he wished time and time again that they were a vanilla couple, desperately in love with one another, no complications, just neverending affection. But they had never been simple, even as children.<p>He stepped into the foot plates and pulled the helmet over his head. Some days the drift went well and they could leave the room feeling proud and other days…</p><p>"What the fuck is with you, anyway?" he snapped after rising out of a particularly harrowing memory.</p><p>They'd been stuck in this spot for days and it was definitely Thor that was the problem this time, unlike previous attempts. Personally, Loki had been advancing in his control inside the drift, but Thor remained a steel trap, unable to communicate or do anything but float as a presence through Loki's memories as he worked. They had yet to take a major dive into Thor’s past.</p><p>"I'm trying over here," Thor shot back, waving a massive arm at him. "Give me a break!"</p><p>"It's really not that complex!" Loki said. "You just need to let me in."</p><p>“It’s not that easy!”</p><p>“It’s just me!”</p><p>"Yes, it’s just you," Thor said sarcastically. "As if you’re not the most complicated person on the damn planet."</p><p>"And I thought you were supposed to be good at this."</p><p>Loki felt sweat roll down his back as Thor shot him a glare and then dumped them back into the program without preamble.</p><p>Ice. Pain. And they were back. Memories dashed past them, garbled sounds and muted emotions flashed past at dizzying paces.</p><p>
  <i>He could smell spices and whiskey apple cider in the air. Thor was pressed against him, one strong arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him close. Loki had his arms looped under Thor's and splayed across his back, his face buried in his brother's neck as they swayed gently to soft Christmas music.</i>
</p><p>Loki hesitated to yank himself out. It was one of his softer memories of them when they were still desperately in love, so damn young and idealistic. Loki watched with no small amount of bitterness for what they'd lost. War was hell, they always said so when they talked about loss. He never realized it meant turning even the good memories sour, leaving a bad taste in his mouth.</p><p>Something shifted in the dream and then there was another presence with him, the thread of another consciousness landing in the same memory. Loki reached out and pulled at it.</p><p>"Loki?"</p><p>It was breathless and very well could have been an echo from the memory where Thor was gently taking him to pieces in the bed, or—</p><p>
  <i>His stomach lurched and he was no longer in the bedroom. He was...actually, he had no idea where he was. Uproarious laughter caught his attention and he spotted Thor, younger, clean shaven and squished into a booth with several people and absolutely fucking drunk. He recognized Sam, Steve, and Val, but there were a couple others there he didn't recognize.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"You have a brother, don't you, Odinson?" one of them with a non-regulation faux hawk asked, leaning across the table.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Thor beamed, the alcohol making him wildly overdo it. Loki winced for him.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"You mean he hasn’t talked to you about him yet?" Natasha said dryly. Loki hadn’t realized she was in Thor’s unit before.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"My brother, Loki! Yes! I wish you all could  meet him, you would love him," Thor said earnestly, a goofy grin on his face. "He's so fucking smart. He's so much smarter than all of you fucking dumbasses," he sloshed his beer as he used it to indicate everybody at the table who made sounds of protest. "Except you, Romanoff," he clarified. "You are also smarter than everybody at this table."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>She raised her beer. "I'll drink to that."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Of course she's smarter than everybody at this table," Val said with a drawl, her accent always got stronger the more she drank. "I'm pretty sure when you're approved for anything other than the Jaeger program it means you're smarter than any of us morons."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Natasha shot her a half-cocked grin and brought the beer to her lips.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Will your brother ever come visit?" Sam addressed Thor again, he was lounging on the edge of the booth, his long legs spread wide, an arm on the table to grasp his beer.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Loki watched with interest. He knew he should try to pull them up out of the memory, but he wanted to see this. The question seemed to have hit Thor in a sore spot because his face fell and he went quiet, his eyes dropping to the grimy table in front of him.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Ah, Sam, why’d you have to go there," Steve said from next to Thor, looking at Sam frowning. "We finally got him out of the barracks!"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"I didn’t know," said Sam, bewildered. "Hey Thor, it's okay if you got family problems, okay? We all got 'em."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Shh,” Steve made a loud sound, also a little overzealous from the alcohol. “Just—” he made a light flapping motion with a hand that seemed like it was supposed to make his friend hush.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"I don’t think he wants to see me anymore," Thor said softly, staring sadly into his drink, his eyes welling up rapidly.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Steve made a face and mouthed "see?" at Sam who threw up his hands helplessly.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Thor, it's gonna be fine," Val said, glaring at both of the other men. "We're almost done, just a couple more weeks and then you can go see him, okay?"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"I gotta go to the bathroom," Thor said abruptly.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He stood clumsily and walked toward the bathroom. Loki followed him, Thor's friend's words fading behind him ("Somebody should go with him,” "Give him a minute, Jesus.").</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The dream melted into itself and Thor was standing in the bathroom alone, leaning against the counter and staring blearily at his reflection. Loki was surprised to see the amount of hatred in his expression, an unbridled, raw emotion that he knew all too well. A tear rolled down Thor’s cheek and he dashed it away, pulling out his phone with trembling fingers and haphazardly entering the password wrong a couple times before getting it right.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Loki approached him and peered over his shoulder.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Thor had never let him see his phone, not since things fell apart. He had, in the back of his mind, always suspected Thor had found somebody else at one point during basic or beyond, but he was shocked to see a picture of himself staring back. A selfie he'd taken a couple months into Thor's absence and sent him. He was lying back on the grass of the high school grounds, smiling up at the camera. His hair had been long then.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He watched as Thor brushed a thumb over his face and a large tear fell onto it.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Shit," Thor muttered.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He tried to use his shirt to dry the screen but the phone slipped and clattered to the ground, skidding away out of reach. Loki's heart beat against his ribcage as Thor cursed, a short staccato that rang through the empty room like a gunshot.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Val's voice sounded from outside the bathroom door, loud and abrasive. "—unless you think you can handle all three hundred pounds of my buddy?! No? Then fuck off."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The door bounced loudly off the wall as Val burst in looking harassed and surprisingly lucid for the amount of whiskey Loki suspected she'd consumed by that point. She spotted the phone by her foot, still lit with Loki's picture on the screen. She sighed and plucked it from the ground and went to Thor, who had since crumpled to the ground looking miserable.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Val crouched in front of him, her expression unreadable.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Hey, dummy," she said, handing the phone back, surprisingly soft. "You wanna get outta here?"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Thor nodded wordlessly.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Yeah, you’re a certified softie, aren’t you? Alright then, up you get." Val grabbed his arm and hauled him upright with surprising ease, considering she stood at least two heads shorter than Thor.</i>
</p><p>Loki watched the scene ripple and then there was a harsh pull from somewhere around his sternum and he was sucked out of the drift, memories swirling around him until he landed back on his feet in the training room, gasping, his arms flailing momentarily for balance. </p><p>He felt like he’d been slapped in the face. </p><p>Beside him Thor was on his knees, helmet in his hand, staring at the ground like he was a thousand miles away, tears streaming from his face, breathing hard. Loki reached for his own helmet and pulled it off, letting it swing from the cable as he sank down against the wall, his feet popping out of their metal braces one at a time. He let his head fall back and sucked in a deep breath, willing his frazzled nerves to stop shaking him from the inside out.</p><p>There was a thud next to him as Thor collapsed all the way onto the ground and rolled over to lay there on his back, his hands on his belly as he breathed slowly and deliberately. Loki looked at him from the corner of his eye. </p><p>“You missed me,” he said, allowing his shock to make its way into his voice as he processed what he’d just seen. “You never told me.”</p><p>“I thought I was being strong,” Thor’s expression was still a little blank and blunted, like he was still half immersed in the memory. “I thought if I didn’t tell you how much I missed you, you wouldn’t worry about me.” </p><p>Loki looked away, not sure what to say. The truth was, despite his troubles at school, with Odin, and with his job, he always found a way to worry about Thor. And then one day, the worry shifted into anger. And then they were here. Above them the fan hummed rhythmically in the silence. The wall was cool and hard against his back as he leaned into it.</p><p>“Do you remember that time when dad found out you pierced your ears?” Thor asked suddenly.</p><p>It was an unexpected memory, but not unwelcome. Loki snorted. “And you did jack shit to cover for me? Yes, I do.”</p><p>“You were wearing earrings at the dinner table,” Thor said, chuckling. A deep, rumbling sound like a big cat getting scratched behind the ears. “How was I supposed to defend you from that?”</p><p>“You could have distracted him,” Loki said wryly. </p><p>“Hell no, I was hiding a bad report card, I wasn’t about to draw attention.”</p><p>“You? With bad grades?” said Loki sarcastically. “Dad would have been so surprised.”</p><p>“Hey, C’s are still passing,” Thor said, raising a finger in the air. </p><p>“Shut up, you had better grades than that.”</p><p>“Okay, it was just one C.”</p><p>Loki let his fingers run absently over a patch of his fatigues that was beginning to thin. “I remember you walked in with your own diamond earring a day later. I thought he was going to kick us both out.”</p><p>“I don’t blame him,” said Thor with a shudder. “It was not my best look.”</p><p>“I liked it,” Loki mused.</p><p>They both laughed a little and lapsed into a fond silence. The kind of silence that used to come so easily to them, comfortable, companionable. They were so close to being that way again, and yet.</p><p>“Loki, what happened to us,” asked Thor. “We used to be so good together.”</p><p>Loki looked at him, lying there on the ground with his hair fanned out behind his head like a halo, the scars on his face winding over his cheeks and forehead like a delicate lace pattern, one blue eye staring into a distance that stretched far beyond the confines of the little room. He almost felt bad for him, then. </p><p>“A lot happened to us, Thor,” he responded.</p><p>Thor wrapped his giant arms around himself. “Do you think we’ll ever be that way again? Like we were?”</p><p>
  <i>Do you want to be that again?</i>
</p><p>Loki heard the silent part of the question as it hung in the air between them. It was a question he’d asked himself every day for the past several years, a question that proved he never let go of his brother even at the height of his hatred for him. </p><p>“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully.</p><p>And he didn’t. The civility they shared now was very different than the love they once shared and it was a far cry from what they had been. Sometimes relationships endured so much damage they became impossible to repair. Loki didn’t know if they were there yet, but it felt like the equivalent of suggesting duct tape to pull the Grand Canyon back together. And yet, if anybody were to come back from wounds that ran this deep, it would be them. </p><p>When Thor didn’t seem to have more to say, Loki got to his feet. He still had a couple meetings before the end of the day and a box full of messages he had yet to respond to. </p><p>“You did love me at one point, though, didn’t you?”</p><p>The question was soft and yet it hit like a ton of bricks to the chest. Loki paused with his water bottle in his hand, jacket over one arm. </p><p>“Yes, Thor, I loved you,” he said. “Why?”</p><p>Thor looked at him, face streaked with dried tears he hadn’t bothered to wipe away. It was a common side effect of being dragged through your life’s memories, to cry, but it never got any easier to see it on him. </p><p>“Just had to check,” Thor smiled faintly, sniffed, and pushed himself to his feet. “I can’t remember what it felt like anymore and I can’t tell if it was all some twisted thing from the start or if we had something real.”</p><p>Loki hugged his water bottle to his chest. It had been very real. It had been everything to him, but he’d simply learned to live as though it never happened because it was easier to hate his brother than to face the fact that he’d lost him. Hate was a lousy patch for the hole in his heart, but it kept him alive.</p><p>He wasn’t sure he knew how to exist without it anymore.</p><p>Thor had gathered his things while he stood there and now turned to look at him, something infinitely sad in the slope of his shoulders and the resignation in his eye. </p><p>Loki felt like he was watching himself from somewhere else, not rooted to the spot as Thor put his helmet away, gave him a soft ghost of a smile, and left the simulation room.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div><p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit // Jaeger Bay</strong>
</p><p>
  <i>Lucky Thunder.</i>
</p><p>The famous Jaeger had been one of the first customizations in the Mark IV lines. Before Thor Odinson was a household name, the mech had been a throwaway project. When the young pilot was first discovered, making a Jaeger specifically for him seemed like a joke. Howard Stark was not a gambling man and he was not about to divert an entire team towards development for a single soldier (and a gimmick, at that), but in the interest of keeping his son out of the way and invested in things other than meddling in <i>Stark Industry</i> affairs, of which he was notorious, he gave it to him as a pet project. </p><p>To Tony it was a dream project. Instead of attending board meetings and committees filled with design teams who frequently didn’t even understand the fundamentals of physics enough to be doing the job they were doing, he had free reign over a customized Jaeger. He was going to make it extraordinary. </p><p>And he did. At inception, Lucky Thunder was nothing special. A base model that got shipped off worldwide to Shatterdomes in need, customizable to a point depending on the needs of that particular Shatterdome. Tony took that model, stripped it down and rebuilt from scratch. Now Lucky was a Level 3 Amphibious Jaeger and stood at 255-feet tall, weighed 2,000 tons, and hosted a whopping 65 diesel engines per muscle strand. It was a little more compact than newer models like Widower and Drifter, but like it’s pilot, the Jaeger could take an absolute pounding and still come back swinging. </p><p>In addition to sheer size and unfuckwithability, Lucky Thunder had a set of retractable spikes along the shoulders, a shortsword that doubled as a shield and an elbow spike along the left forearm.</p><p>And there was Mjolnir. </p><p>Mjolnir was unique to Thor and Lucky Thunder the same way that the big, round shield was to Sam and Bucky. It had been Thor’s idea, and Tony was only too happy to run with it. If the big blonde wanted to fight aliens with equipment from Home Depot, he was going to have the best damn Home Depot equipment he could get. Tony didn’t ask many questions when the pilot asked him to inscribe the hammer with specific runes, but he did recognize the mythology in them. Tony himself wasn’t religious, but he wondered if Thor might be after spending an inordinate amount of time etching the designs into the weapon. They weren’t pulled from the internet at random, he knew that much, these were deeply personal.</p><p>He never asked though. </p><p>Since then, Lucky had been through many reconstructions and adaptations of its original self. Whenever Thor felt something could be improved upon, Tony was only happy to oblige. They collaborated often and made it faster off the line, more powerful, a little more agile in areas like head and shoulders. As the Jaeger advanced and changed, so did Thor’s ability to fight with it. </p><p>To many, Lucky Thunder represented success in the war, to others it represented safety, a silent guardian in the distance, patrolling the coasts. To Thor it represented home. He had spent more time in the cockpit than he had spent at many stations in his career. Humans are drawn to consistency and Lucky was the only consistency Thor could rely upon for much of his adult life. </p><p>Now, as Lucky was redone for the hundredth time, rebuilt from almost scratch after nearly being destroyed by Hela, it seemed as though it had become so much more than a battle mech. The thing about working on the same Jaeger so closely was that you got to know all the little details about them. Tony knew Thor had written things in sharpie all over the inside of the comm pod as reminders for himself, he knew that there was a little snake etched in not only one, but two places, both of which were not his handiwork but Thor’s. He had seen the security footage from some of Thor’s old compounds where the pilot stole into the empty Jaeger bay and spent the night in the comm pod instead of his own bed. </p><p>Every pilot loved their Jaeger, but Lucky Thunder was as much a part of Thor as it was part of him. Tony kept this in mind when he rebuilt it, preserving the pieces that made it home even when he had to break it down to scraps and rebuild. To retrofit a Jaeger with dual capacity should have been impossible, but Tony wasn’t stupid. He left in the guts of the original Mark IV model at the very beginning on a hunch—in case piloting solo became too much and they had to scrap the idea. It would have been a shame to scrap an entire Jaeger and they would never recover from the loss, so he left them in. </p><p>Tony Stark loved to be right. </p><p>Tonight she had finally been restored into a fully functional mech again. It stood there, bathed in the orange glow of the other welding crews in the bay, a formidable silhouette against the deepening shadows as Tony hung from a harness on the ceiling and put the final touches on the lightning bolt painted along both massive pauldrons. </p><p>Lucky Thunder would run perfectly, of that he could be absolutely certain. </p><p>The rest was up to two brothers with a rift the size of the ocean between them.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div><p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit //</strong>
</p><p>Thor flopped backward onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling, his fingers lightly tracing the raised scar tissue from the ruined side of his face. He was accustomed to it being there by now, but he still hadn’t accepted it. Beside him on the wall a screen pulsed a soft blue to the beat of the music he was always streaming. His father used to tell him it wouldn’t kill him to be still. Thor thought maybe it would. Even if he were physically still, his mind was never still. Tonight his thoughts were tuned on Loki. They always were. How one person could take up so much mental space he wasn’t sure, but Loki had always managed to be there whether he wanted him to be or not.</p><p>Drifting changed their dynamic. It wasn’t for the worst, it was just different. He had never fully addressed how much he missed his brother, or what it felt like to lose him nearly overnight in such a sudden and abstract way. Thor understood now that a lot of it had to do with himself and his own selfishness. How had he managed to let it slide all these years, despite the fact that they worked at the same compound and they had for a long time? But for all their interactions he might have been interacting with a robot for all the meaning it had. Drift had shown him all the things he found too painful to remember along the way, the laughter, the softness, the unfailing belief that they would have each other’s backs for the rest of time. It used to be that they could communicate with each other from across a room with a single glance. Now they stood next to each other and misunderstood the silence. </p><p>An ache filled his chest until he couldn’t breathe. Everything he’d been running from came crashing down at once and it was too much. He closed his eye and breathed deeply, trying to count his breaths. Night brought out the worst of things, even if you weren’t scared of anything. He would know, he’d spent the better part of his youth playing knight in shining armor for Loki, holding him close in the top bunk, wiping his tears away, making him laugh with off-key singing that turned into soft lullabies. </p><p>He’d never been afraid of anything. </p><p>He would still argue he wasn’t afraid of anything and yet the fear that he may never truly reconcile with his brother took his breath away. Even at odds, he would rather fight him into eternity than lose him.</p><p>He sat up abruptly. Lying and floating in misery wasn’t going to help. He needed some outside perspective and he sure as hell wasn’t taking Tony’s advice. A soft pair of sweats and unlaced combat boots later, he was pounding on Valkyrie’s door. They were always up no matter what hour it was. Nobody got any damn sleep in this compound. </p><p>“For fuckssake,” Val wrenched the door open, looking harassed, her hair was loose and curly and poked out in a wild mess from beneath the heavy blanket she had wrapped around her head and shoulders. “Oh, it’s you.”</p><p>Thor smiled cheerily at her and she rolled her eyes and stepped back, opening the door wider and ushering him in with a hasty “alright, get in here.”</p><p>“Thor! Come in!” Sif brightened at the sight of him. </p><p>She was sitting around a table that looked like it was normally a night stand pulled to the center of the room. Three other people were also sitting down in the cramped space, but he didn’t get a glimpse of them before he was engulfed in an armful of enthusiastic Sif.</p><p>“It’s been ages, why haven’t you been around?”</p><p>“It’s good to see you too, Sif,” he chuckled, hugging her back. “I’ve been busy.”</p><p>He missed his friends so much.</p><p>“Do you want to play?” She asked, stepping back and flashing a set of cards she still held in one hand. “We just started.”</p><p>“Oh, I—” He glanced over to where he could finally see Steve, Bucky, and Sam looking comically crowded around the table, their broad, muscled shoulders just bare centimeters apart. Bucky was trying and failing to hide his cards from Steve while simultaneously sitting in his lap. Steve didn’t seem to know they were even playing a game, preoccupied with his husband, his arm wrapped snugly around his waist, chin resting on his shoulder.</p><p>Bucky flashed Thor a peace sign and Sam gave him an easy nod. Steve smiled kindly.</p><p>“I think he wants to chat, love,” Val said as she walked past, pausing to kiss Sif on the cheek. </p><p>Thor didn’t miss the look they exchanged and it occurred to him that he and Loki’s problems were probably the center of many discussions he wasn’t aware of.</p><p>“Sif, you in or out?” Bucky asked from behind a frown as he looked at his own cards. </p><p>“In,” Sif passed her cards to Val and turned back to Thor, her thin brows knitting together as she looked at him more closely. </p><p>“I’m fine, really,” Thor said, attempting to smile. “Just wanted some company.”</p><p>Sif narrowed her eyes at him. She was wearing a pair of cutoff fatigues that only she would have thought of and an extra large sweatshirt with the hoodie pulled up over her head, but somehow she was more intimidating than every kaiju he’d ever faced. </p><p>“Don’t be a martyr, Thor,” Sam told him, not looking up from the game. </p><p>“Don’t be a killjoy, Wilson, he can be a martyr if he wants to,” Bucky said. </p><p>“Look, guys,” Steve began.</p><p>But Val had had enough. </p><p>“Oi!” she slammed her hand down on the table and making all of them jump. “Shut up! Thor. Sit.”</p><p>Sif smiled at him encouragingly and patted his back and picked her way across the room towards the small kitchen they were allowed in their room to boil some hot water. Thor sat dutifully as Val snapped up cards from everybody and began to shuffle them. </p><p>“So, what’s on your mind?” Steve asked. “We haven’t seen you in a while.”</p><p>“A whole lot of nothing,” said Thor. “Most days just trying to remember how to walk and not slip and die in the shower.”</p><p>“Sounds fun.”</p><p>“You know it.”</p><p>“How’s the balance?” Bucky asked. “Improved any?”</p><p>Thor flipped him off. “You wanna go, Barnes?”</p><p>“No, I’ve kicked your ass enough lately, I’m good.”</p><p>Sam coughed into his beer and it sounded suspiciously like the word, “Unlikely.” Bucky shoved him and Steve snorted and took a sip of his own beer. Sif returned and pressed a warm mug into his hands. </p><p>“Tea?” Thor asked her dubiously. “I don’t drink tea.”</p><p>She looked at him pityingly, as if he were a small child. “Oh babe, it’s not tea.”</p><p>He frowned and raised it for a better look. The smell of whiskey hit him all at once and nearly knocked him over. Okay, so not tea. Sif winked. </p><p>“So what’s up, then?” she asked. “You look like you’re running from something.”</p><p>“Did you do what I told you to do?” Val asked.</p><p>Thor gave her a look and she raised her brows, feigning innocence. </p><p>“You guys are all being weird,” said Sam.</p><p>“Yeah, guys, don’t make it weird,” Bucky said while frowning at his cards. That earned him a smack from Steve. </p><p>Val snatched the cards from his hands and shuffled the deck. They played a couple rounds of poker and a few other games that Sif taught them. The deeper Thor got into his tea, the more it seemed like his problems didn’t matter. Insignificant, almost. Nothing he hadn’t handled before. A few rounds of strip poker and a lost sock later, he was saying goodnight and walking back towards his quarters. </p><p>The lights looked more yellow than usual and his fingers caught against the rough metal of the pipes that ran along the length of the corridor. His problems had melted away with his friends, but every step he took made it more clear that the only way to solve this was to confront it.</p><p>Loki’s door was the same as always with zero embellishment, no personalization, just the same heavy metal door with a wheel the size of a dinner plate in the middle. Why did it look so intimidating? He raised his fist and pounded on the door, just loud enough to get his brother’s attention. It opened almost instantly and Thor blinked. Loki stood there looking bleary and upset, but not sleepy, wearing a pair of black pants and a shirt Thor could have sworn was his at one point in time. His hair was sticking out at odd angles in possibly the most unkempt Thor had ever seen it. </p><p>“Thor,” Loki said blandly when he didn’t speak immediately. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”</p><p>He said the last word like it had offended him personally. </p><p>“We have to talk,” Thor said, feeling the confidence sap out of him as Loki continued to look at him, unimpressed. This was going to be so much more difficult than he anticipated.</p><p>“Really, Thor? At three in the morn—”</p><p>Loki didn’t even finish his sentence when a heavy, ear splitting screech echoed through the compound. Thor clapped his hands over his ears and looked around for the source of the sound. Loki grabbed the edges of the doorway as the entire compound shook, the sound vibrating through their very bones and threatening to turn them inside out. Doors could be heard along the corridor, slamming open, a chorus of voices beginning to get louder as the entire dome woke to the horrible sound. </p><p>This wasn’t any alarm.</p><p> It was the direct contact response.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>we're almost there, fam. love you all. hope you are surviving and thriving as best you can.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey, watch this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit //</strong>
</p>
<p>It was that split second before all hell broke loose, when everything slowed to a crawl and the blood had time to rush to the ears and prep the rest of the body for fight or flight. If he wanted to, Thor could have counted the hairs one by one as they stood along his skin, racing to cover his whole body in goosebumps. There was a moment of dead silence that stretched for the span of a heartbeat and then the seismic alarms went off. They were lower in pitch than the first sound but just as loud and just as urgent. The compound echoed as the lights flipped, going from yellow to a dark, bloody red that tracked the length of the hallways and funneled soldiers in the direction they needed to go. </p>
<p>In all his years in the corps, he had never heard these alarms except in practice. As new soldiers, they sat in a little room set up like a college lecture hall that could hold a quarter the capacity and took notes while a senior officer played a couple sound clips and walked them through emergency protocol like a flight attendant before take off. Every new member of the Shatterdome was taken through the basics when they arrived and then after that they never revisited the topic. During a typical attack they would have at least some warning due to the prediction tables that people like Banner worked on and they had time to gear up and get flown out to a drop point. But this was not a typical attack and the direct contact alarms meant exactly what they said. </p>
<p>The compound itself was under attack. </p>
<p>Thor whipped back around to find his brother already in boots and yanking his lengthening hair out of his face with a hair tie. His long fingers reached out and prodded Thor, pivoting him around and pushing him forward, out of a daze. </p>
<p>Then they were running. Thor sprinted next to his brother, pelting down the hallway in the eerie crimson light as the sirens became a muted sound beneath the pounding of his heart and the impact of his boots with every step. They skidded into the armory and Thor automatically dragged his gaze across the room, counting his team. They were all already there, cool in the face of danger as they raced for their armor. They were the best and this is what they were trained for. Thor tallied them up like a chaperone and as he counted Loki he was struck with the fleeting impression that he would be entering a hot field with his brother in tow for the first time since his injury. He didn’t even have time to panic. </p>
<p>Across the room, Sam and Bucky were already cinched into their armor, navy blue and silver plates gleamed at their backs as they jogged towards Drifter’s comm pod. Sif and Val had arrived at the same time he and Loki did, scrambling into their base layers. He could just barely recognize Steve’s voice among the announcements blaring over the PA system. In the midst of everything, Thor hadn’t really thought about the fact that somebody would have to take charge of the bridge if Loki was in a Jaeger.</p>
<p>He quickly stripped down and slid into his base layer, centering on his breath and forcing it to slow, urging himself to keep things in focus as the panic grew in his chest. What if he couldn’t do it?</p>
<p>
  <i>Breathe. You can do this.</i>
</p>
<p>Another ear-splitting screech like the sound of protesting metal raked across his eardrums. He wasn’t fast enough to cover his ears, but he held his palms over them anyway as he ran for the armor platform. He could see Loki out of the corner of his eye, his perfect posture riddled with tension, his face smooth and focused. Thor felt a stab of pride. His own first fight had been a disaster of overconfidence and bravado that ended in a week’s suspension. Loki truly had it all, not only the athleticism and intuition, but the mental acuity and responsibility required in order to be an incredible pilot. It was a shame it had never been his calling until now. </p>
<p>Mechanical arms laid armor along his body, clicks and whirrs filling the space around him as they tightened the plates together and locked him inside. It took all of three minutes to be fully suited up and then he and Loki were leaping from the platforms as they sank back into the floor and sprinting the short distance to Lucky’s comm pod. </p>
<p>He stopped short as they got to the cockpit, the protective shielding on the visor falling away to reveal the source of the unholy screeching. Beyond them and across the hangar there were two gaping holes in the wall. More specifically, the bay doors in front of Drifter’s hold had been slashed clean through by something the size of a freightliner and an oozy, blue slime was eating away at them by the second. They could see out into the darkness beyond where whispers of hulking creatures were flickering past the opening like demonic shadows, coaxing their prey out into the open.</p>
<p>“All teams cleared for manual release!” Tony’s voice crackled over the jaeger comms. “Engage at will.”</p>
<p>Thor shoved his feet into the magnetic foot plates, letting the powerful magnets pull his boots into place with a snap while metal clamps hooked up and around to lock them down. The harness dropped down from above, lowering down to wrap around and cradle both of them. There was a high pitched whine of a drill as it lined up with their armor and secured them each in place, thin metal guides extending along the outside arm and encircling each dominant wrist. Hemisphere control came to life with a melodic zing and the little disc flew up into Thor’s outstretched hand. The other snapped into Loki’s. </p>
<p>All around them, the comm pod woke up, lights snapping on and illuminating them in a golden glow. Far beneath them, Lucky Thunder fired to life with a low rumble and the hum of the giant arc reactor sent vibrations up the chute where the comm pod hung, suspended. Another scream of metal echoed across the compound. Large claws snaked through the jagged opening in the doors and ripped the bottom half of one clean off with the loud sound of abused metal being twisted out of shape.</p>
<p>“We gotta go,” Sam’s voice blared through the comm, “Drifter, initiating drop!”</p>
<p>Thor snapped his head around as the royal blue crown released heavily from it’s holds and plunged for the waiting body below. </p>
<p>They never got there. </p>
<p>A scream <i>“No!”</i> tore through the comms even as Thor watched a luminescent head peer through the hole in the doors. Broad, plated shoulders as large as a ship burst through the opening and there was nothing to do but watch in horror as a thick, multi-jointed arm reached out and batted them off the tracks. Drifter’s comm pod spun three times in succession and slammed into the wall where it crumpled into itself on impact. New sirens joined the chorus of discordant alarms. The comm indicator set for Drifter went dead. Static flooded the line.</p>
<p>Thor shouted his friend’s names as Loki found the manual drop lever and pulled hard. His stomach rose into his throat as they plummeted downward. Widower dropped at the same time, both comm pods screaming against the humid air as they raced for the safety of the hulls below.</p>
<p>The landing was jarring as they hit their destination. Thor eyed the broken bay doors that were writhing with Kaiju, fighting each other for their way in. He tore his eyes away from them, refusing to look where he desperately wanted to where Sam and Bucky had landed. </p>
<p><i>Lucky’s</i> head rotated down onto her shoulders and settled into place with familiar mechanical clicks and thuds, pressure valves hissed outside the hull. He could hear his brother’s breath in his ears, matching his own. It was now or never.</p>
<p>“Neural handshake initiating,” he said. The console warmed gently beneath his fingers as he followed a pattern of unused keys and then hit [INITIATE]. </p>
<p>Sharp pain. Icy cold. A slippery sensation. </p>
<p>Memories screamed past, garbled voices speeding past his ears, not clear enough to catch a glimpse of the past but disorienting and strange. Weeks of simulations caught up to him. He made headway against the current and reached out and found his brother’s energy hovering just on the outside of the memories. He grasped at the threads and yanked them downward. </p>
<p>They slammed back into the cockpit with a joint gasp. </p>
<p>“Connection strong and holding, boys,” Tony murmured encouragingly from the bridge. “Now, go kick some ass.”</p>
<p>Four pairs of eyes connected to the same hideous head blinked into view as Widower stepped from the hold and rose to her full height. The other Jaeger towered next to them, taller than Lucky by a handful of feet, filling the bay with broad, gleaming violet. Mounted on her shoulders were twelve massive RPGs that locked into position, trained on the doors. Val and Sif had the ability to use traditional ammo or utilize them as toroid plasma cannons that could inflict some serious damage. Tony hadn’t yet figured out a way to keep the capacitors from overloading so the plasma was a last-resort kind of weapon. The traditional ammo didn’t do much to harm the giants beyond, but they did what they were supposed to do: clear a path. There was a loud cacophony of pops as they fired on the entrance. Streaks of smoke trailed in the air, filling the bay in a cloudy haze.</p>
<p>Heavy locks sprang free from Lucky Thunder and they stepped out of the hold. The bay doors on their sides had gone into lockdown, making Drifter’s exit the only way out. Val and Sif pried one end of the doors open and he and Loki took the other side, bending them backward until they had just enough space. Widower went first, taking off into the night as they drew twin vibro-swords. Thor and Loki followed on their heels, already reaching for Mjolnir to release her into the fray. </p>
<p>Outside it was storming. Rain pounded against the hull as sheets of water sluiced down Lucky’s visor, beading up and rolling off the edge to fall hundreds of feet downward and return to the ocean. Night vision sprang into action, casting a sickly green hue over the water as it sent a grid out over everything, thin strands knitting together to form a sort of topographical map of the surface.</p>
<p>“Jesus <i>fuck</i>!” Sif cried raggedly as they slowed to a jog and then a halt, catching massive palms on their knees. “Steve, are they okay? Tell me they’re okay!”</p>
<p>“We—I don’t know,” Steve sounded like his soul had been forcibly removed from his body, leaving a shell behind to function on autopilot until somebody took pity and turned him off. “Med teams—”</p>
<p>“We don’t know yet,” Tony cut in calmly. “You let us worry about that. Right now you have bigger problems.”</p>
<p>“Fuck you, Tony,” Sif snarled. “We have every right—”</p>
<p>“Hey!” Loki’s voice cracked like a whip through the comms, startling them. “We have a job to do. Let the bridge do theirs. Stark? Keep us updated. Rogers? Take a breather. Somebody with a brain cell tell me what we’re looking at out here so we’re not blind.”</p>
<p>“We count two Kaiju so far,” said Tony. “Air support has been notified, standby for ETA,” he paused before adding. “Also, the shutters are doing their job, but I wouldn’t mind a little help with our friends that are still knocking on the doors over here.”</p>
<p>“Goddamn, I’m so sick of shit not dying after I shoot it,” Val groused.</p>
<p>They pivoted back around. The Kaiju were crawling around on the outside of the compound, scraping and scrambling at the slick, heavy plates of the shutters that had finally been deployed along the outside making it much harder to grip. </p>
<p>“Oi, fuckface!” </p>
<p>Val ran the Kaiju down with a singular vengeance, punching into its hide over and over again until it was forced to release it’s hold on the compound. She rammed the vibro-blade into its side and drove upward as it fell, slicing the body in two in a single, clean movement. Buckets of blue blood spilled down the side of the shatterdome. </p>
<p>It gave Thor the time he needed to try and ground himself on his tenuous footing in the drift. Simulations were one thing, but battle was another beast. It was likely his adrenaline was the only thing keeping him from collapsing into his worst nightmares and never coming back. </p>
<p>“Thor,” Loki snapped.</p>
<p>He squeezed his eyes and forced himself back into the present. </p>
<p>They tore the second Kaiju in two with the help of Val and Sif. Thor could spot Sif’s signature movements when she hacked at it with her vibro-blades and was suddenly very grateful that he had never thoroughly pissed her off.  With a wound along the middle the Kaiju didn’t stand a chance between two Jaegers playing tug-of-war at either end. </p>
<p>Loki made a face as rain rinsed the Kaiju blood off their visor. “Somebody better get me an ETA on air. We need to close these breaches before we’re out of our depth.”</p>
<p>“Working on it,” Steve seemed to have recovered some of himself. </p>
<p>Thor felt the ghost of bitterness flicker in the drift. His brother had always struggled with relinquishing control. He could hear him practically grind his teeth into nothing as Steve, who seemed to have recovered marginally, ran their current situation down the line. </p>
<p>They were moving again, matching stride for stride with Widower and heading for the Miracle Mile. Thor pumped up the sensitivity on the motion tracker and watched as it began to blink more rapidly. </p>
<p>It was eerie out here in the dark with lightning flickering in the distance and thunder threatening overhead. </p>
<p>They slowed their approach as Hela herself rose from the water in front of them, her boney, plated head angled in their direction as she extended to her fullest. The spines along her body trembled and knocked together and made a sound like dry bones being knocked against each other. A virulent blue glowed from within her, coming to a concentrated point behind the frill along her skull and the horrific depths of her mouth where her tongue lashed back and forth. </p>
<p>She looked dead ahead of her at Lucky Thunder as they came to a halt and a clap of lightning split the sky. Thor thought in that second she could see right through the visor and into the cockpit, glaring at him with the scarred and missing eye on her left mirroring the missing one on his right. </p>
<p>“Not everything is about you, Thor,” Loki said beside him. </p>
<p>Thor tightened his grip on Mjolnir. “How the fuck are you hearing me right now, I can’t hear you for shit. That’s not fair.”</p>
<p>“Nothing in our life has ever been fair.”</p>
<p>Thor looked at him but Loki didn’t look at him and didn’t elaborate. </p>
<p>Hela threw back her head and gave a sharp, barking call that Thor knew if they were listening to without the layers of protection between them, would have shredded their eardrums. The glow from the breaches intensified and grew outward by a few feet as new players entered the ring. Dark, oddly shaped claws and arms made their way out of the portals and aligned themselves with their leader. </p>
<p>“Ideas, anybody?” Val sounded vaguely annoyed, like this was a mild interruption in her Saturday night plans. </p>
<p>Sif wasn’t quite so unflappable, her voice strung tight as a violin. “Was there a backup plan? We were never prepared to take on this many without backup.”</p>
<p>“Support is airborne and inbound,” the comm crackled with static. “ETA fifteen minutes”</p>
<p>“And the rest?”</p>
<p>“I’ve received affirmatives from both Marshal Danvers and Marshal Heimdall. They’re just dispatching as they are able, no solid ETA.”</p>
<p>“Noted, Captain,” said Loki, and then he addressed the team. “Sif, Val, stick close. We stick together for as long as we can. Let them come to us.” Widower’s comm indicator blinked twice for affirmative. “Backup is tentative at best, so we operate like we’re riding this out on our own. Captain!” </p>
<p>Steve acknowledged him instantly. </p>
<p>“Make sure ground teams are assembled and ready. I want deflection squads stationed every two miles along the coast, as many as we can spare. If anything gets within a half a mile, I need flares going up. Make sure they’re staggered.”</p>
<p>Thor eyed their growing enemies and felt his stomach clench uncomfortably. They were woefully underprepared for this fight and he had the sickening feeling that they might not get aid in time. Now was hardly the time to start having nerves before a fight, but even he wasn’t stupid enough to think they might gain an upper hand here. Normally he would have solved this by diving in head first—he thought better when he wasn’t thinking at all. But that wasn’t an option here. Instead he focused on his brother’s voice and let it calm him. </p>
<p>“Val, Sif, conserve any missiles if you can, we might need them later.” Loki paused and then added. “We are the best unit the corps has ever seen. If anybody can win this, it’s us.”</p>
<p>“We have your back, sir,” Sif responded grimly. </p>
<p>Steve alerted them to their next challenge. “Eyes up, enemies are on the move.”</p>
<p>He needn’t have said anything. A rippling chatter rose like the sound of a thousand cicadas, swarming the air and blocking out the light. They brought the Jaegers together. </p>
<p>“Fight smart, only break formation if we have to,” Thor said, bending his knees and firing Mjolnir up with a heavy charge. The tesla coil pulsed beneath their feet. </p>
<p>“Yeah, all two of us and our formation,” Val said sarcastically. “You got it.”</p>
<p>Her words were lost as they met the Kaiju head on. He and Loki braced against the ocean floor, sinking their weight into their front leg and dropping into a crouch at the last second to catch the Kaiju in the chest, then driving their shoulder up and flipping it over onto its side. Val and Sif sidestepped smoothly, letting their target fly past. </p>
<p>They were back to back now. Thor sent Mjolnir’s lightning after their startled Kaiju, mirroring the lightning crackling in the backdrop beyond. The smell of ozone filled the air. For every shot Thor sent out from Mjolnir, Loki balanced it out with some slick knife throwing skills Thor had never seen before. Apparently Lucky had been outfitted with an absurd number of knives in her downtime.</p>
<p>Loki slung another knife into the darkness and it was so smooth he saw it flicker once as it cut through the air and found its mark. There was an answering bellow and a sudden spurt of glowing blue blood. Thor sent Mjolnir after it, hitting just right and putting a dent in the alien’s thick skull. The hammer dropped to the bottom of the ocean with astonishing speed, taking the incapacitated Kaiju with it.</p>
<p>Thor straightened, feeling the sweat begin to bead along his forehead and upper lip. It was already sliding down his neck and making the base layer slippery against his skin. </p>
<p>There was a shout and the sound of metal protesting. Thor instantly felt fear in the drift to match his own. Loki wasn’t as locked down as he liked to think he was.</p>
<p>Val and Sif were in trouble. Their Kaiju had leapt from the water, latching onto the giant purple Jaeger like it had something to prove. And maybe it did. But Thor wasn’t about to let it happen. While Val and Sif grappled with it, Thor and Loki came up behind it as it scrambled for purchase. A sickening crunch and Thor knew they were too late. </p>
<p>“Sif!” </p>
<p>Val’s anguished shout tore through the comm as the Kaiju sprang off and sped into the darkness. Widower was dark, her lights shutting down to a dull red glow inside that Thor knew was the emergency power kicking into gear. He hurled Mjolnir after the Kaiju’s retreating back, but it flung wide. </p>
<p>“Val! Sif!”</p>
<p>“I’m okay,” Sif answered first, sounding strained. “Goddammit, Val, <i>fuck!</i>” Her breathing took a harsh turn. “I’m so sorry, marshal, I think we’re out of the game.”</p>
<p>“Jesus, don’t apologize,” Thor cursed, watching through their torn comm pod as Val dropped to her knees by her partner and tore her helmet off. “Val, what are we looking at?”</p>
<p>“So far I’m seeing a torn leg,” Val reported shakily, the clank of metal following her voice as she scrambled for what to do. “Guys, it looks bad, she’s bleeding a lot.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be fine,” Sif snarled, her voice shot through with pain. </p>
<p>“Nobody was asking you, love,” said Val gently. “Bite this, this is going to hurt.”</p>
<p>A muffled shout and a thud.</p>
<p>“All done,” Val soothed her partner. “Come here, wake up. I need you to stay awake, I told you it was gonna hurt.” Then to Loki, “Marshal, what do you want us to do?”</p>
<p>“Stay here, stay dark. No emergency lights,” Loki instructed, already manipulating the map to drop a pin over them. “I’m marking you for extraction.” He tapped in to the bridge. “Rogers! Send a team as soon as practical. I want them out of the field. Leave the hull.”</p>
<p>“On it.”</p>
<p>“And Val,” Loki added. “Keep her awake, keep her talking.”</p>
<p>Val agreed and her fervent words to her partner were cut off. Thor felt his brother steel himself, determination rippling across the drift as they pivoted to face the monsters. Their lone metal warrior against whatever the hell Hela had cooking in the breaches ahead. </p>
<p>She was prowling back and forth like a mother bear, checking on her cubs. </p>
<p>“What are you thinking?” Thor asked, wincing as a stripe of pain sliced along the side of his head. A chill ran through him. </p>
<p><i>Oh no.</i> </p>
<p>“We need to draw them off. One by one if at all possible, our odds are too slim against two.” </p>
<p>“Agreed.”</p>
<p>Loki’s lips were pressed together tightly as he reached for the console. “Rogers, what’s the ETA on support?”</p>
<p>“Air is close. Still no response from the surrounding Shatterdomes. Sorry sir, I wish I had better news for you.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, Captain,” said Thor as a wave of dizziness washed over him. </p>
<p>He couldn’t stop the wave of panic that washed into the drift. </p>
<p>“Loki,” he said shakily.</p>
<p>“You’re struggling, I know,” said Loki levelly, lighting up his side of the console and pinching to drop tracking pins on the new Kaiju and highlighting Hela in yellow. When he was done he turned to look at Thor, his eyes smoldering with intensity. “Look at me.” Thor looked at him reluctantly. “Can you do this?”</p>
<p>“Loki, I don’t—”</p>
<p>Loki bared his teeth. “I didn’t ask for what you <i>think</i> you can do, I asked can you do this?”</p>
<p>Thor swallowed hard. “Yes.”</p>
<p>“Good.” Loki turned back to the front. “Send a flare past the breach.”</p>
<p>“I—what?”</p>
<p>“<i>Flare.</i>”</p>
<p>Thor executed the command and sent flares soaring past the Kaiju beyond. Loki dropped into a low crouch as they popped like mini red fireworks in the distance. The rattling stopped for a brief moment of absolute bliss as three heads turned to follow the thin streams of smoke and subsequent explosions, then it returned with added intensity. Kaiju weren’t necessarily stupid, but they were a bit like cats in the fact that they were prey oriented. Flares got their attention like a laser might a housepet.</p>
<p>He didn’t know what Loki planned to do, but he still knew his brother well enough to understand that he—Thor, the pride and joy of the Jaeger program (at one point in time), the only successful solo Jaeger pilot, team captain, and multiple medal honoree—had absolutely no control over what happened next. As the Kaiju turned to follow the flare, Loki sprang into action, driving against the ocean floor and pumping his legs into a wild sprint towards the enemy. Thor struggled to keep up. It felt a bit like being dragged but with Loki doing the heavy lifting for the moment it was manageable.</p>
<p>The breaches loomed, gaping orange maws buried deep down in the murky depths. The first Kaiju was caught off guard. Loki dodged a lunge. He’d been betting on it, it seemed. The short sword flashed into play, reflecting the dim glow of the city as he brought it up level with his shoulder and dragged it along the side of the Kaiju. A quick upward swipe cut through the tip of a tail just in time, then they stopped, pivoted on a dime, and finished it off with a lethal throwing knife to the skull. It buried itself deep in the space between glowing blue eyes. The ground shook with the dying bellow of the beast and it fell backward and floated down into the rift. </p>
<p>“Behind you!” The comms squealed with feedback.</p>
<p>Thor was too slow, but Loki didn’t even hesitate as he leapt out of the water, propelling them into an arch, twisting up and over, short sword flickering again. They kept the hideous head in sight and Thor felt the move before he realized they’d executed it. Two sharp tugs and the sword slashed right, left, through the softer, unguarded back of the neck as if it were nothing more than water. The head of the Kaiju half detached from its body, spewing blue everywhere. </p>
<p>They landed on three limbs, heavy metal feet stuck the landing as one hand fell forward to catch them. The headless body of the Kaiju sank into the water and slipped out of sight. Waves surged around them, protesting the interruption in an already violent storm. </p>
<p>Thor’s head pounded but something deep inside him had been lit on fire.</p>
<p>So this was what Loki was like in action.</p>
<p>It was like a switch had been flipped and whatever beast his brother had been keeping under wraps was alive and well. It was terrifying. Terrifying and <i>fucking insane</i>. Thor felt his chest swell with pride, filling the drift with an excess of emotion. But he wasn’t given time to dwell on how proud he was of his little brother because Loki was already moving onto the next target. Thor caught his intention in the drift, however faint, straightened with him and moved as one. Pain began to burn along the side of his head and creep down the back of his neck, but he shoved it aside.</p>
<p>Hela had disappeared from sight, but they were after the remaining Kaiju. This one wasn’t distracted this time, it was waiting for them. Thor made some quick, crude calculations in his head as they approached and took the reins back. Loki was good, but Thor had practical experience. </p>
<p>They didn’t have the element of surprise on their side, so head-on was not going to work this time. Thor pulled hard to the right, knocking them off course. He paid for it with a stunning moment of blackout and when he came to just a split second later, stars swirled lazily in front of him.</p>
<p>This tug-of-war in the drift was going to kill him.</p>
<p>Loki wasn’t pleased. His irritation screamed through the drift and punched Thor in the throat. He might as well have had Loki’s hands squeezing into his flesh, it wouldn’t have made a difference in the way it stole the breath from his lungs. He could feel Loki’s terror, but still he held strong even as blood gushed from his nose and filled his mouth. </p>
<p>The Kaiju was on them in seconds flat. Thor blocked the initial onslaught, throwing up an arm against a heavy blow and landed several punches to the alien’s more vulnerable underbelly with the other. Loki saved them from a critical hit to the head as Thor held out his hand and heard the sweet song of Mjolnir as she zipped to him and slapped into his palm. </p>
<p>It was a brutal fight. If he didn’t know better he would have guessed she was a category five, just below Hela. </p>
<p>Sweat poured down his face and neck as they fought. Each time they took a hit he wondered if he’d made the right choice. It was different fighting like this with his brother beside him. Even if they couldn't sustain a proper drift, he was still pulling his punches, being a little less reckless than he normally might have been. He knew nobody would blame him if they knew why. </p>
<p>“If we die because you were too much of a <i>coward</i> I will end you before this mother<i>fucker</i> gets the fucking chance,” Loki snarled in between vicious slashes of his blades, struggling to land a hit.</p>
<p>“How the <i>hell</i> am I supposed to do that if you won’t fucking let me in!” he felt his arm reverberate as he landed a punch. There was a gross crunching sound and a guttural complaint. </p>
<p>Loki moved them to the side, primly avoiding a wickedly clawed tail. “I am not the problem, Thor,” he arched them backward with a grunt and Thor brought Mjolnir around to catch the side of the Kaiju’s jaw.</p>
<p>Thor saw the tail come back around, but he couldn’t quite get his brain to move his body fast enough. Loki was still turned in the other direction and without the clearness of drift between them, well—</p>
<p>The impact was like a gunshot. Loud, abrupt, and terrifying. </p>
<p>He thought he heard Loki’s voice in the distance and then slipped away into nothing.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div><i>Lightning flashed as a storm raged outside. The tree that grew along the side of the house scraped gently across the glass of the window, making long-fingered shadows sway across the floor.<i></i></i><p><i>The air was still and heavy in the room despite the wind that battered the house from outside. He was looking at Loki on the bottom bunk who was shrouded in an unacceptable number of blankets and biting his nails compulsively. Thor had forgotten he used to do that. </i>
</p>
<p>
    <i>“I don’t understand,” Loki ventured presently, clearly having sat on the words for a good long while before daring to speak them aloud. “Say we find a way to fight these things, what good are you going to be to us enlisted and stationed god knows where?”</i>
</p>
<p>
    <i>“Because I’m a fighter, Lokes!” Thor heard his own, much more youthful voice sound from the bunk above. It was obvious he had completely missed the consternation in Loki’s tone, his own excitement completely bulldozing over the point Loki was trying to get across. He winced. Not his finest moment.</i>
</p>
<p>
    <i>“You’ll just get yourself killed,” argued Loki, pink flushing his pale cheeks, evident even in the darkness. “It’s a suicide mission, Thor.”</i>
</p>
<p>
    <i>“I won’t die,” the bed creaked and suddenly Thor was looking straight back at a much younger version of himself. A Thor with two eyes and more hope in the tilt of his mouth than he’d managed to conjure in the last decade. “I’m good at fighting. Really good. Plus, who else is going to protect my little brother?”</i>
</p>
<p>
    <i>“You’re just lucky,” Loki whispered, retreating deeper into his ridiculous layers of blankets. “That’s not a skill, you’ve just gotten lucky.”</i>
</p>
<p>
    <i>“You’re right,” Thor said back, his teeth flashing in the night. “I <i>am</i> lucky.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div><i>He was in the spare room of their house that Loki had taken over shortly before he left for basic. It was spare, they didn’t have a ton of money, but it still oozed Loki from every corner, from the tidy geometric patterns he’d painted along one wall to the billowy curtains that he’d clearly DIY’d and fastened neatly to the wall in a manner that Thor couldn’t quite understand, but managed to make the room look a certain way.</i><p>
  <i>He didn’t fucking know the term for it, all he knew was that it screamed Loki at every meticulous turn.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Loki himself was lying on his bed, tossing a cell phone up and down, another pressed to his ear. His brother was older in this memory. Definitely late high school, senior year probably. His nails that he used to chew into little snarled nubs were no longer bitten, but neatly filed and painted black. Liner and old mascara clung to the skin around his eyes as if he’d put it on an indeterminate amount of time ago and somehow forgotten it was there.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Thor looked at him and felt a horrible sense of loss. Loki looked a couple years older physically. He was still a lanky teenager, tall and broad in a different way than Thor was tall and broad, but he also looked like he’d gained several years’ worth of worry and stress.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Hey, you’ve reached me. Thor. You know what to do.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>His old voicemail greeting. Thor cringed to hear his exceptionally bright voice coming through the tinny speakers of the phone pressed to Loki’s ear. But Loki didn’t seem to have the same thoughts about it. He hung up and then dialed again.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Hey, you’ve reached me. Thor. You know what to do.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Over and over, Loki hung up and redialed. Thor watched with growing dread as Loki held back tears, looking up at the ceiling for help each time until they went away.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Hey, you’ve reached me. Thor. You know what to do.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Loki took a deep, shuddering breath and fiddled with the unused phone in his other hand, which Thor now realized was an old phone of his.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Hey, asshole,” Loki said in a trembling voice, tears wobbling against the old mascara on his bottom lashes. “I just—” here he took a giant breath before forging on. “I wanted to hear your voice. I miss you.” A tear fell onto his lap. Then another. “It’s been a really hard couple days here. I’m sure they told you, they said they would, but dad—” His shoulders began to shake violently and tears began to fall fast. His fingers gripped the old phone in front of him until his fingers turned white. “Please come home. I can’t do this without you. I miss you so much I can’t breathe—”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Your message has been recorded. If you would like to leave a number—”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Goddammit!” Loki cried and hurled the phone at the wall.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The emotions swept over Thor all at once and for a moment he thought he might actually drown in them. As Loki sank into his bed and crumpled in on himself, Thor struggled to breathe. He had to get out. He couldn’t process this.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He clawed his way up out of the memory, reaching for threads of reality. Anything that would pull him out of the rabbit hole. As the edges of his vision began to swim he found one. A silver thread of relief extending down to him.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He grabbed it and pulled.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>He was hanging half out of his harness when he returned and there was water everywhere. There was water. Everywhere.<p>“Why the fuck is there water in my Jaeger!” </p>
<p>“Nice of you to show up.” The words were snarled and then something hard hit him over the head. </p>
<p>It was a wrench. Loki had hit him with a fucking wrench. </p>
<p>“Hey!”</p>
<p>Loki was out of his harness, standing in ankle high water pouring in from two giant holes in the comm pod. He looked like hell, wild eyed and furious, dripping with sweat behind his faceplate to the point where his hair no longer curled and stuck to his face, but rather hung in wet strands around his eyes. </p>
<p>“What happened!” </p>
<p>“You happened, idiot. Take that,” Loki pointed to the wrench he’d evidently <i>thrown</i> at him. “Seal the visor and then fix your goddamn gear.”</p>
<p>Thor did as he was told, unlocking from his own harness and using the wrench to break the glass on the emergency visor sealant and yanking the lever. A cool looking film slid over a giant gap in Lucky’s visor and the rushing sound of rain and the ocean instantly quieted. The sound of glass sliding over glass clinked along until the hole flickered yellow and then matched up with the rest of the HUD. </p>
<p>His harness was fucked, unsurprisingly. It looked like something the size of a small boat had come through the visor and carried right on through his harness. It was bad, but it was salvageable. Across the pit, Loki was working frantically to redirect power. Thor could see the diagrams up on the screen. </p>
<p>Outside, more Kaiju prowled around their motionless form.</p>
<p>He set to work.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>wait, it gets worse!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit // Lucky Thunder Comm Pod</strong>
</p><p>In all his years on the planet earth, Loki Odinson never once entertained the idea that he would be sloshing around in what was left of a Jaeger comm pod, damp with sweat beneath his armor, and attempting to ignore the mounting anxiety after hurling a wrench at his brother’s head. He hadn’t meant to throw it at him he didn’t think, but then again being around Thor generally meant he didn’t <i>think</i>.</p><p>This whole business was irritating to him. The end of the world as they knew it not so much, but the fact that he couldn’t drift well—that sat beneath his skin like an itch he couldn’t scratch, perpetually there and setting him on edge. He <i>had</i> drifted before, everybody in the corps did it. They called it <i>Fundamentals of Drift</i> and he had passed with top marks and puffed his chest as they presented him with a medal that was now buried among the multitudes of others on his uniform jacket. If it weren’t for his singular goal of climbing the ranks, the Jaeger program would have snatched him up—not because he was a good fighter (although he was) but because he brought nothing into the drift except focus. </p><p>The <i>problem</i> was that he couldn’t do that with Thor and he couldn’t understand why. It was enough to make him want to peel his eyelids off.</p><p>“Loki.”</p><p>He was nearly too deep in his annoyance to hear his name, but Thor had always been the kind of person who demanded to be noticed just by standing there whether you were looking to give him attention or diligently avoiding it. The control panel spat orange sparks at him and he gave up on it with a frustrated flop of his hands</p><p>“Loki, I’m sorry,” Thor continued on without receiving acknowledgement, which was entirely on brand for him. </p><p>Loki pressed his lips together and tried not to pull at the chapped dryness of them with his teeth. His hair hung in atrocious strands around his face, drenched in sweat and probably a little blood, but he couldn’t be sure. He felt a strong urge to focus on the little beads of sweat that clung to the tips of his hair instead of whatever his brother was gearing up to say. There were many things he would rather focus on in lieu of exploring the emotional revelations Thor had experienced whilst digging around in his memories like a <i>barbarian.</i></p><p>“Are you about to apologize to me in the middle of a war?” he asked his brother tartly. “Because it sounds like you are about to apologize to me in the middle of a war and you may stop right now.”</p><p>No matter how he tried to remain aloof, he found himself looking for Thor’s blunted, grizzled features, still so beautiful despite the gnarled scar that crawled out from beneath the eyepatch and across the side of his face. He even looked good in the odd yellow glow of the HUD and extremely persistent alarms that flashed red at them as if they weren’t already intensely aware of the situation at hand.</p><p>“Would you just listen,” growled Thor. “We don’t have a lot of time and the odds of winning this fight are not in our favor.”</p><p>“When did you learn how to do math?”</p><p>Thor’s brows crumpled to the center of his forehead as he frowned which only served to make him look confused and added to the jab at his intelligence in a way that didn’t escape Loki’s attention nor humor. But he didn’t smile and was saved the trouble of hiding one as Thor waved the wrench dangerously close to the newly patched hole in <i>Lucky’s</i> visor.</p><p>“I’m trying to tell you that I was wrong, you fucking moron. I was wrong and I—I’m so sorry for everything you went through. You suffered because of my decisions and I,” Thor swallowed hard as if he suddenly realized what he was doing and deeply regretted it. “I never bothered to see it.” </p><p>Loki stared at him. He would have been less surprised to watch a second head grow from his brother’s wide, sturdy shoulders. Thor had always been earnest despite his hot-headed disposition, but apologies had never been a part of his skill set. Bitterness swam at the back of his brain and tightened the corners of his mouth. How many years of shameless denial and arrogance and now in the middle of the biggest fight of their lives, Thor decided to develop self awareness. Charming.</p><p>He supposed in some ways this was why the rift in their relationship left such a deep, unhealing wound. It wasn’t that Thor was a callous asshole, it was that he was everything but. He had been a callous asshole for many years now, yes, but Loki clung to the version of him he had from their childhood. Gentle, sweet, revoltingly thoughtful. To have lost that and gained an enemy in return was unbearable. He wasn’t sure he’d learned to trust anybody with himself since, not even his friends, no disrespect to Bucky who already put up with more than his due.</p><p>“We were young,” he said lightly. “You couldn’t have known.”</p><p>Thor’s laugh sounded like dry leaves on old pavement, dusty, brittle, and tired. He pushed himself to his feet. “Yes, well, it doesn’t excuse what I did to you and I’m sorry.” He smiled a bit, looking entirely too genuinely repentant for Loki’s comfort. </p><p>He pushed the bundle of wires back into the console and snapped it shut. “That should do it.”</p><p>Thor gave him a smile that sent a flutter into his chest and racing along his skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. He ignored it and ducked into his harness to avoid having to look into that single, infernal blue eye. Thor did the honors, lifting the heavy lever on the wall that looked like it weighed about as much as he did, he pushed it into place with a resounding thud that echoed around the pod and down much deeper into Lucky’s chest cavity. There was a breathless moment of heavy, deadened silence and then she stuttered to life again, coughing smoke and the acrid smell of burning metal and oil into the sticky air.</p><p>“Alright, what’s the damage?” Loki murmured as the holoscreen in front of him lit up with system tests. He reached out and sifted through them, sending each greenlit system out of the frame with a flick of his fingers. “I hate to say it but it looks like we can take another beating.”</p><p>“Hell yeah, we can,” Thor ducked under a swath of cabling that had come loose and now dangled precariously from the ceiling. He stepped into his harness with the heavy <i>clomp</i> of rubber against metal. “This scrap of metal has seen much worse.”</p><p>“Yes, I know.” </p><p>He did know. Intimately. From the right, he could feel Thor looking at him as hemisphere control snapped up to meet his palm, grinning in a manner that suggested he was doing something worthy of noticing. Loki frowned.</p><p>“Why are you looking at me?”</p><p>“I was winking!” said Thor, indignant.</p><p>“Isn’t that the same as blinking for you anymore?”</p><p>“What? No, of course not,” Thor groused, “God, you’re no fun. Whatever happened to your sense of humor?”</p><p>“Oh, I have a sense of humor, Thor,” Loki said calmly, drawing his weapon as the scream of jets filled the air in the distance. “You’re just an idiot.”</p><p>He grinned wickedly as Thor’s mouth opened in outrage, but Loki was faster and dumped them into drift before Thor’s mouth muscles could form the words. They slipped into the bright, stinging space of drift much easier this time. When his vision slammed back into the front of his head, it was suddenly as if he were seeing with two sets of eyes instead of the usual one. The world slid in and out of focus a couple of times as an invisible hand clutched at his chest and froze his lungs in place. His heart beat wildly in his throat. Darkness crept into the corners of his vision and stars started to wink into view, mocking him in lazy, drunken circles.</p><p>Just when he was about to lose his grip it was over. The hand released him and air rushed back into his lungs like a gale. His vision cleared bringing all twelve blurred cities into a single, sharply focused one. </p><p>He squinted out into the blackish-greenish hue of the water beyond. They’d had a moment to recoup as they brought Lucky back up to speed, now Kaiju were swarming the portals, slowly adding to their numbers as Hela prowled about them like a protective mother bear. </p><p>“Loki, not to sound insane,” said Thor, his gravelly voice echoing in stereo from Loki’s right as well as within his head. “But we have to hit Hela if we have any chance of surviving.”</p><p>Loki nodded in agreement. “Yes. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do.” He flipped open a fresh channel. “Air, this is Lucky Thunder, what’s your status?”</p><p>Static fizzled and popped. “Air One to Lucky Thunder, we are inbound and on approach. ETA sixty seconds.”</p><p>“Slight change in plans, Air One,” he felt Thor shift in surprise next to him. “I need half of you to focus on destabilizing the breach, the rest of you I want using flares. Get them away from the coast. Thor and I will take care of the rest.”</p><p>“Yes, sir.”</p><p>“Good luck.”</p><p>Loki snapped the comm back to standby and allowed himself to feel the rush of adrenaline that filled his veins and sent chills running down his fingers and toes. They were beginning to tingle with numbness, draining of blood as his life force pooled into his most vital areas in a valiant effort to keep him fast and alive. </p><p>“Thor, did you notice anything about Hela this time around?” he asked. </p><p>Data from previous fights suggested Hela was an aggressive fighter, usually the first to appear and the last to leave the battlefield. She was swift on her feet and smart enough to learn from previous fights. Thor seemed confused with his question.</p><p>“Notice? Like the fact that she’s not playing whack-a-mole with us this time?”</p><p>Loki sighed. “No—”</p><p>“Yes, I noticed the big blue thing behind her frill,” Thor cut him off with a wave. “I’m not completely stupid.”</p><p>“Will wonders never cease.” </p><p>He felt Thor’s amusement this time. Jets screamed into view above them and they followed them, the ocean frothed beneath them as they moved. The jets were faster, reaching their targets and releasing payloads over the breaches. The explosives were outfitted with small propellers that would guide them into the deep and further into the breach before detonating. It wouldn’t do any critical damage, but enough research had been done to suggest it had some benefits, according to Banner. Loki maintained his doubts, but they could use all the help they could get right now. </p><p>“Damn right we can,” Thor muttered from beside him, startling him. </p><p>Hela saw them coming. It didn’t seem possible but she seemed so much bigger than he remembered her being. She rose from the water on heavily muscled legs that brought her belly even with the surface of the water, her long, athletic body expanding twice as wide as their Jaeger. Spines lined her upper back, rattling together like ancient bones calling forth forces beyond their comprehension. Some of them had been snapped off and had jagged little edges instead of long, smooth posts at their ends. Scars littered her body, gouges and scrapes showing evidence of all the pilots she’d faced before. Faced and lived to fight another day.</p><p>But not this time. </p><p>They were the motherfucking Odinsons. </p><p>She tried to dart under the water, but he and Thor were faster. They caught one of her tails and dragged her back above water, thrashing. Metal screeched and an alarm blared. They stumbled and recovered just in time to sidestep angry tail number three. With a yell, they brought Mjolnir around. The hammer connected with her skull with an enormous crack and sent an electric shock crawling down Hela’s thick armor in tiny blue lines. The Kaiju released a bellow that would have punctured all naked eardrums in a five mile radius. </p><p>Above them jets roared, adding to the thunderous noise of battle as they peeled off in different directions, popping off flares to draw the other Kaiju away. </p><p>Hela scuttled backward, towards the coast and let loose a sharp, barking call as the frill on her head glowed, extending out like an umbrella around her skull and fluttering. Neon blue tendrils curled out from behind it and waved in the air like newly sprouted plants in the sun.</p><p>“Thor,” said Loki.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I see it,” Thor said grimly. “We need to rip it out. It’s protected by that frill, though.”</p><p>“Yes, well spotted, Sherlock. Any ideas?”</p><p>A ripple of amusement. “Yeah, I thought we’d ask nicely.”</p><p>Loki couldn’t possibly have words for that, but they were already back in motion. They fought like a well-oiled machine, faster, smoother, and better than anything Loki might have dreamed they could do together. It was as if something between them had finally clicked into place. All his life he spent trailing after Thor, fighting Thor, and god help him, loving Thor. For all their differences and all their bitterness, they knew each other inside and out. Whatever Thor missed, Loki was there to block, parry, and strike in his stead. Whatever Loki missed, Thor was there with a vengeance, taking what was his with thunder and lightning.</p><p>Still, no matter how hard they tried to get at the little blue frill behind her head they just couldn’t seem to get there. </p><p>Around them the battle raged. Ground was involved from the coast, proven by the telltale pop of defense squads on the sand sending off flares to confuse approaching Kaiju. Air support was getting pummeled, Loki gritted his teeth to hear their frantic calls over the comm, sometimes followed by cheers of success, others by a dreaded pop of static then silence. </p><p>They danced out of reach. The longer they teased, the longer they gave their teammates to arrive.</p><p>And they did arrive.</p><p>Heimdall’s forces showed up from the north just as Danvers’ flew in from the south. Giant Jaegers coming in like the cavalry, lights blazing as the jumphawks released them into the ocean. Loki nearly cried in relief as Carol’s team took to the coast immediately, flashing past their tussle with Hela to defend the city. Heimdall’s forces fanned out and began to lay into the other Kaiju.</p><p>Loki could feel Thor’s hope rise so fast he might pop, but it was only when a sharp zing of metal slicing through air reached their ears that he suddenly felt like they could win. A heavy disc the size of a satellite dish came whizzing out of nowhere, glancing off Kaiju hides and leaving sparks in its wake.</p><p>“Bucky!” cried Loki, his heart nearly bursting in his chest. </p><p>As if on cue, Drifter’s royal blue came blazing in out of the darkness and into the fray, leaping up just in time to catch the shield and twisting midair, gaining torque and flinging it back into the field with terrifying speed.</p><p>They landed with the precision of an olympic gymnast. </p><p>“Yeah, nice to see you too, Marshal,” Sam said dryly. “I’m fine, by the way. Thanks for asking.”</p><p>“Shut up, Wilson,” Loki shot back, almost laughing in relief. He couldn’t tell if it was sweat or tears on his face.</p><p>He could feel his own emotions met on the other side with tired but earnest affection from Thor. It was heartening to feel his brother’s support in the drift, it came without the judgment or uncertainty that he generally interpreted from his brother’s words. There were no lies in the drift, there couldn’t be.</p><p>“I see you tried to take on the underworld without me,” Bucky said, clicking his tongue. </p><p>“Your head looks fucked up,” snapped Loki and Thor let out a bark of laughter.</p><p>The comm pod did look comically out of place. Drifter’s body was the same familiar armor, but the head was a boring gray, baseline unit that any starter Jaeger might come with. It was squarish and looked hellishly out of place paired with the sleek customization of the rest of the Jaeger.</p><p>“Look who’s talking,” Bucky retorted. “Get your weird looking face over here and help, would you?”</p><p>“I believe you’re the ones helping us,” said Loki primly. </p><p>“Look out!” </p><p>Sam’s warning came just in time. They arched back as the water exploded around them. Mjolnir sang as Loki drove the sword into the ground behind them, nearly getting cleanly beheaded by a very angry set of claws. Bucky and Sam were quick to take the brunt of the next attack so they had time to scramble out of the way. </p><p>Loki could feel his brother fading. The toll of the unstable drift from earlier was beginning to cash in and despite the current strength of the drift, the damage was done. Thor gave a wet sounding cough as he called the hammer to his hand. Loki ground his teeth into dust. <i>Stay with me.</i> </p><p>Loki wasted no time and flipped open a channel to Drifter and said breathlessly, “Sam, Bucky, we need to get at that blue thing behind her frill.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m not touching that,” was Sam’s instant response. </p><p>“We have to—” they ducked. “It’s some kind of—” they aimed a slash at two of the tails. “Fuck it, Banner, explain.”</p><p>“So, it seems like it is emitting a signal of some kind. I’d say ideally we want to kill her, but barring that, getting rid of that organ is your next best bet.”</p><p>Hela howled as they landed a particularly nasty hit to her face. She wormed her way out of reach and slipped under the water in a cloud of blue blood. Lightning flashed and followed itself with a deafening clap of thunder. The rain was coming down harder than ever. </p><p>Bucky chanted a running cry from basic like a prayer. “All in, all out, we’re The Corps, we love this shit.”</p><p>“Speak for yourself,” spat Sam.</p><p>“Right, I have an idea,” said Thor, speaking up for the first time in a while and sounding depleted. </p><p>“Thor—” </p><p>Thor’s dismissive wave came off more like a pathetic flop of arm flesh and bones as he explained to the others. He was sagging against the support of his harness. He wasn’t going to last much longer and Loki didn’t need to listen to him to know what he was planning, it came across the drift with striking clarity.</p><p>“Are you insane?” he hissed over a private channel. “You’re barely up to the task, let alone the repercussions if we fail.”</p><p>Thor flashed him a weak grin, displaying pink, bloodied teeth. “Shouldn’t have gotten in the cockpit with me if you weren’t ready to do hero shit.”</p><p>Loki exhaled long and thin through his nostrils. “You better know what you’re doing.”</p><p>“Trust me,” Thor said unconvincingly. “I’m a pro.”</p><p>“I like it,” Bucky was saying. “It’s dramatic.”</p><p>“Like you?”</p><p>Hela was coming back around. With a flick of his wrist, Loki retracted the sword in their right hand. It tucked back up into Lucky’s arm with the sleek <i>shink</i> of well-oiled metal, shaking off buckets of water as it went. Drifter readied beside them, driving their foot into the ground and sinking into their stance, the massive shield blocking the expanse of their chest and the reactor that powered them. </p><p>Loki sent a wave of support into the drift, steeling them for what had to happen next. </p><p>It happened in the space of a couple breaths. Loki didn’t have time to process except to feel the blinding power from his brother hit all at once. There was a yell. He was looking at the city lights, his blood pounding in his ears and his breath echoing inside his helmet. Thor swung them around and they were running. Mjolnir batted lethal spikes out of the way from one tail as the other whipped around and dragged against Loki’s side. It barely slowed them down. </p><p>Loki knew it was his voice screaming when electric pain lit up his left side, but he couldn’t feel the scream in his lungs. Thor was there for him every second, ordering him to stay in the moment and drive this home.</p><p>With tremendous effort, they crouched and pushed off the back of the Kaiju, vaulting up and over lethal spines that they only just missed. Thor was nothing if not insane and Loki could feel the last of his strength sap from him as they arched over the Kaiju. </p><p>Lightning crackled from the sky as if they had harnessed it from the gods themselves. It channeled into Mjolnir, leaving her white hot and glowing as Hela’s frill rattled forward and exposed the neon blue organ that pulsed beneath it. </p><p>Fire exploded beneath them as the hammer connected. The smell of smoke and ozone assaulted him immediately. And then they were on the ground, skidding backwards into the water, Loki reached out and clawed into the ocean floor with all his might, slowing them down. Pain sliced into his shoulder and down his side, but it only made him fight harder. Rock crumbled beneath his palm, but they stopped just short of teetering over the edge into the breach behind them. </p><p>“Well, you definitely hit her,” Sam announced. </p><p>Drifter was backing up cautiously as smoke and steam rolled off Hela in toxic clouds. She was shaking her head like something had gotten in her ear, clawing at her frill and sending furious, eerie cries into the night.</p><p>The ground around them shook like a small earthquake, or the footsteps of a dozen Jaegers fighting for their lives. Loki blinked the sweat out of his eyes, still trying to catch his breath. He felt like hell, like a Jaeger had steamrolled him and picked him up to do it again. His left side still burned with pain, smarting with every movement. Beside him Thor was nearly catatonic, his head lolled against his restraints like he would collapse without them. Blood was spattered across the inside of his faceplate.</p><p>Fear flashed through Loki, gripping at his bones with icy fingers as memories paraded past. </p><p>
  <i>I’m okay, dickbag, I just need a second.</i>
</p><p>Thor’s wry voice in the drift was startling and Loki made a strangled noise, highly pitched and hysterical. What had meant to be a laugh to convey casual concern ended up showing his entire hand. As Thor’s vitals dipped further, he knew what he had to do. </p><p>
  <i>What are you—?</i>
</p><p>“Shh,” Loki shushed his brother as his trembling fingers reached out and took the hemisphere control from him.</p><p>There was nothing Thor could do about it. One, he was too damn weak; two, even if he weren’t, nothing got in the way when Loki made up his mind. His resolution grew and his breath steadied as he made the final selections on the console to transition both hemispheres to himself. There was no reason he, Loki Odinson—brother of Thor and youngest Marshal to take the title—would not be able to handle a Jaeger on his own. </p><p>
  "Loki, no—!" He knew Thor was shouting, but he barely heard the words.
</p><p>“Trust me,” he heard himself say, and slammed [INITIATE]. </p><p>Pain. Oh god, there was so much pain. There was blood everywhere, coming out of his nose and filling his mouth with copper. It hurt everywhere. Sparks of pain shot up and down his arms and legs, burning his decision into his skin. </p><p>And then it was gone. </p><p>He came to and there was screaming in his head that wasn’t his own. The pounding of his heart filled his throat and mouth and for a brief moment of adrenaline-spiked clarity he reacted. Hela was nearly on him and he could now recognize Bucky’s panicked shouting over the comm. </p><p>His friends were in a wrestling match with another Kaiju, arms locked out, gripping the beast to keep it from slashing at them. It was just him and Hela, then. </p><p>Loki let go of the hammer and it sank to the ocean floor. He had never been good at bludgeoning things. Instead, two sleek swords shot out from both of Lucky’s arms, the flat of the blade resting against the back of her knuckles that curled into fists. They felt light and swift.</p><p>Hela was still pawing at her head angrily, stalking back and forth crying in pain, but when Loki stepped towards her she stopped and growled deep in the back of her throat, blue eyes flashing.</p><p>She leapt forward and so did Loki, twisting, propelling himself onto his back and sliding neatly beneath her, bringing both swords across his chest in an ‘x’ shape. Then he pulled hard, slicing out and bringing them right back up again, forcing his fists upward, thumbs towards his face as he dragged both blades through the Kaiju’s underbelly. Momentum did the work for him.</p><p>It was almost like watching a light show. </p><p>He rose to his feet as a blue light flashed like a strobe light into the darkness and the rain, pulsing once, twice, and then rapidly until it died out. Three large, neat sections of Kaiju peeled off from one another. Each piece was still moving as they sank into the brackish, stormy waters.</p><p>“<i>Goddamn,</i>” he heard Thor breathe.</p><p>Loki grinned, coughed up blood, and promptly passed out.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>*</p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yeah, i know, i miscalculated how many chapters i had left. it's been a terrible day for math. </p><p>i will see you all saturday for the final chapter!!</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>points of origin</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>2045 (Military Calendar) // Shatterdome 082 US Pacific Coastline, California Unit // Med Bay</strong>
</p><p>Doctor Foster’s pinched, perpetually exhausted expression was the first thing Thor saw when he woke up. According to her, he had thrown a fit and maimed a machine or two before realizing that what he wanted, aka Loki, was lying in the bed adjacent. He wasn’t exactly proud of his actions, and he might have questioned the reality of it if it weren’t for Eir’s corroborating story, but he stood by it.</p><p>He calmed down, though, his body reminding him quite painfully that he had nearly killed himself once again. In his defense it hadn’t entirely been his fault and Loki was just as much to blame this time. To his great displeasure, Jane told him in no uncertain terms that he was to spend a few days confined to the bay for observation. There was a gleam in her eye that not even Thor was going to defy so instead, he spent a lot of time humming tunelessly, picking at the tape on his arms, bothering Eir, and generally becoming submerged in more time with himself than he’d ever dared to allow in his entire life. </p><p>And for as bored and frustrated as he was, Loki seemed stuck in sleep, his chest rising and falling with shallow, even breaths. It was as if he was determined to inconvenience his brother even in his unconsciousness. Typical. In further annoying news, Loki had not put Thor on his release for medical emergencies and therefore Jane couldn’t say jack shit about his condition other than that he was alive and even then, it was only appropriate for her to say because he was lying right next to him.</p><p>Thor moped for a full day after he found out until even Tony gave up on him as a lost cause and left him there to pout. He knew Loki had every right to have kept him off his emergency contact list, but it didn’t make it any less offensive. They were all each other had left…</p><p>He almost refused to leave by the time Jane released him ahead of his brother, but there was nothing for him there except bright lights, his own mind, and the smell of antiseptic, so he took the chance to revisit his quarters. It did a lot for him to change into clean clothes, see his friends, and sleep in his own bed. </p><p>It warmed his heart greatly to find all of his friends upright and well. In his absence, and with the help of Tony and maintenance crews, Sam and Bucky had managed to pry Drifter’s head from the wall and were currently working on reconstructing it, punching the metal out and back into its original shape and building from there. Sam found it particularly thrilling to work on it with the maintenance team because it meant he got to hang from the top of the Shatterdome in a harness that suspended him hundreds of feet above ground to work. Bucky looked slightly green at the idea and said he’d politely opted out of that. </p><p>Val and Sif joined them at the lounge later that day. Sif’s shorts showed off a sleek set of mechanical parts grafted into her thigh. It was only thanks to Val’s quick work with a pair of pliers, a steel pipe, and a well-done tourniquet that her leg had been saved. How she’d been up and out of the med bay before he and Loki, Thor wasn’t entirely sure, but knowing her she would have been following Eir’s instructions much better and more effectively than he ever had.</p><p>He didn't see much of Steve, who was busy standing in for Loki. Thor never realized quite how much his brother did in a day until he tried to track his friend down and ultimately ended up recruiting Bucky for help. </p><p>He stopped by the med bay as often as he could. </p><p>A couple days later he got a note from Jane, just a short memo notifying him that his brother had been released a couple hours ago. His first instinct was to sprint down the corridor to the med bay, but Loki would be long gone by now and Thor wasn't certain he knew where his brother would be.</p><p>He leaned heavily on his elbows and let the screen etch little green and yellow spots into his retinas as he sat there and contemplated his next move. Ironically, Loki would probably have been proud of him for taking a moment to consider. Not that he would have said anything of the sort. But the thing was, even after anxiously waiting for him to wake up, Thor wasn’t quite sure how to approach his brother after everything that had happened. The drift revealed many things, but it didn’t tell him how to navigate what came next.</p><p>In the end he decided it was better to just dive in than to let it sit and, thanks to another tip from Bucky, that’s what brought him here, to the very tip top of the Shatterdome where an unused maintenance balcony was. </p><p>He paused in the shadow of the wide but shallow staircase, the red paint along the edges of each step still glistened with underuse, warning workers of where their feet should go. Loki was there, leaning against the railing, bathed in the warm orange glow from the bay below. The sliver of his face that Thor could see was cast in the same light. It made him seem softer somehow, as if all the sharp edges of him were simply an illusion to be maintained when necessary. Thor folded his arms, a knot of uncertainty forming in his chest. </p><p>“You’re hardly as subtle as you think you are,” said Loki eventually.</p><p>Thor leaned against the cold metal of the grated doorway. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted company.”</p><p>“Yes, well, it’s still company whether you’re next to me or stalking me from the doorway,” said Loki dryly.</p><p>It was as inviting as he ever got. Thor moved from the doorway and came to stand next to him, keeping his arms tucked against his ribcage. Loki hadn’t so much as moved since he arrived. He looked good, all things considered—his narrow features were more pale and gaunt than usual and the bruises that had just now begun to fade still colored the space along his temples and extended beneath his eyes. Frankly speaking, he didn’t look like he could walk much farther than a few feet.</p><p>“How the hell did you get up here?” Thor asked him, frowning back at the long staircase that led him here. There were three more just like it that a person would have to climb in order to get this high. </p><p>“Black magic,” said Loki.</p><p>Thor gave him a look and he relented. A little.</p><p>“I’m not as pathetic as I look,” he said in a quieter voice. </p><p>“It would be okay if you were, you know,” said Thor. “You nearly killed yourself with that stunt.”</p><p>“A bit rich, don’t you think?”</p><p>“You know I’m right.”</p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous, I knew what I was doing.”</p><p>Thor snorted inelegantly. “Bullshit.”</p><p>“You know, if logic didn’t escape you <i>constantly</i> you would have come to the same conclusion I did—”</p><p>“Which was?” Thor interrupted. </p><p>Loki tilted his head enough to glare at him until he shut his mouth before continuing. “The conclusion that you are the only pilot to command a Jaeger by yourself. There are pilots out there who are stronger than you and better than you that can’t pilot solo, which means it’s not entirely a feat of strength.”</p><p>“Your point?”</p><p>Loki shrugged. “Figured you couldn’t be the only special one in the family.”</p><p>“That’s not logic,” Thor scoffed.</p><p>But Loki just affected a smug expression and looked back out over the bay. Thor sobered a bit and unfolded his arms to join him in leaning against the railing.</p><p>“I meant what I said back there. In the comm pod,” he said after a beat, a lump forming in his throat and making it nearly impossible to continue speaking, but if he didn’t say it now he might never say it. “I am sorry. For everything I put you through. I know it took a long time for me to understand and I know there’s no way I can possibly make up for it, but I’m so, so sorry.”</p><p>Loki was silent for a moment before speaking softly. “I know.”</p><p>Thor looked at him and felt an incredible sadness for the both of them. It was more than just the ache of regret, it was the profound sense of loss and the knowledge of what could have been. They could have been conquering the ocean together instead of fighting each other. Looking at Loki now, he wondered how he had held onto the anger for so long. </p><p>“When dad died, all I wanted to do was follow you into the Corps, you know,” Loki said eventually. Thor looked at him, but Loki was somewhere else, a tiny furrow in his brow as he spoke. “I was going to arrange the funeral, sell the house, and enlist. I had no idea what I was going to do past that, I just knew that if the world was going to end I wanted it to be with you. I didn’t have any friends, and those I might have had disappeared when I left school,” He paused, the lines deepening on his face as he frowned. “And then you came home for the funeral. You only had a couple days of family leave, so you were only staying the night. I thought you would be as miserable and lonely as I was, but you weren’t. You were happy and doing so well in training, and you had a life to return to afterward that I didn’t.</p><p>“It felt like you had forgotten me. My entire world was crumbling around me and you waltzed in with your <i>career</i> and your <i>accomplishments.</i>” He laughed bitterly, looking at his hands as if they had offended him his whole life only to realize it now. “I was so jealous. I just wanted you to prove to me that you would drop everything if I needed you, even though I knew you would. But you didn’t.”</p><p>“And we fought instead,” said Thor unhappily. He remembered all too clearly.</p><p>“And then we fought,” Loki agreed. “I decided then that I would enlist, but not because of you. Not in the same way I meant to, originally. I joined so that I could see just how far I could get on my own merit and prove that I could do this on my own.”</p><p>“And look at you,” said Thor, bumping his shoulder gently with his own. “Youngest Marshal the corps has ever seen.”</p><p>“Yes,” said Loki with a lopsided smile. “Good for me.”</p><p>They stood there for a bit until Loki eased himself down to sit, tucking his long, reedy legs beneath him and neatly folding his equally long-fingered hands to rest in the middle. Thor joined him and slung his legs out over the edge and leaned back onto his palms. </p><p>Loki seemed to have drifted into a mild, meditative trance, his breath slowing until it seemed as though he were barely breathing at all. Thor knew how he must have felt right now, although distantly. His own body was only now beginning to knit itself back together and he was a seasoned pilot, he was used to the toll a Jaeger took. But Loki, pulling that wild stunt on his first time in the field? He must have felt like mincemeat. The fact that he was even upright without assistance right now spoke to the sheer stubborn strength his brother possessed. </p><p>Maybe they were more alike than they realized.</p><p>“It’s creepy when you stare, asshole,” Loki murmured. </p><p>“Oh, come on, how did you even know that.”</p><p>“I’m observant.”</p><p>“It’s a third eye, isn’t it?”</p><p>“You would certainly be the one to assume that over the idea of simply being aware of one’s surroundings,” Loki retorted and peeled an eye open to peer at Thor. </p><p>Thor grinned at him, all cheek, and it earned him a halfhearted eye roll. He sobered quickly.</p><p>“I would drop everything for you if you needed me,” he said in what he hoped was a casual voice. “By the way.”</p><p>“If you make me experience more than one emotion tonight, I will stab you and place your head on a pike.”</p><p>“Mmhm,” Thor said, not really paying attention. He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to the side of Loki’s head. He smelled like the med bay, a little like antiseptic and a little bit like the laundry detergent they used on the gowns and Thor found himself overwhelmed by the reminder that he could have lost him. </p><p>“I love you,” he said, his lips against Loki’s hair. </p><p>Loki stiffened beneath his touch but didn’t pull away. Thor thought it very well meant the start of something new.</p>
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  <p>*</p>
</div>They weren’t afforded the luxury of passing the time slowly, there were still meetings to attend, reports to write, and funding to secure. The fact that they had managed to defeat the single most destructive Kaiju the world had ever seen spread like wildfire and the donations began to pour back in. Ground forces had done an amazing job defending the city, but it seemed that the fact that two Kaiju came barrelling into the city with next to no regard for the wall they smashed through to get there had not instilled faith in the wall initiative.<p>Loki assigned Rogers to the funding team. He was reasonable, singularly focused, and had the kind of face and demeanor that people seemed to trust naturally, a trait Loki had never possessed nor wished to acquire. He put Tony on that task as well and then maybe it would shut the engineer up long enough for him to get some peace.</p><p>Banner never needed guidance. In the time Loki had been in recovery, he had already scooped up Hela’s remains and brought them in to test as much as he could before the rot set in. Whatever they couldn’t store they shipped to other Shatterdomes and labs. Once Loki caught up with him, Banner had already been conferring with other scientists across the world over the uniqueness of Hela’s biology compared to previous categories of Kaiju. Even Newt had finally gotten overstimulated and had to be shuffled into a corner of the lab so that his constant chattering wouldn’t distract everybody within a one-mile radius. As for Banner, he just worked with headphones in.</p><p>Between that, the usual post-battle to-do list, and his every day routines it would seem that he wouldn’t have time or space to think about anything else, and yet Thor was on his mind constantly. He was relieved, even grateful to have his brother on his side this time. Thor didn’t do much in his free time and since he couldn’t run simulations alone, he spent whatever time he didn’t spend in the gym in Loki’s quarters, reading or going through his own electronic reports and messages. </p><p>It grated on Loki’s nerves to have another person constantly in his space, but Thor seemed to be at least thirty percent intuitive about this and had taken to leaving unprompted when he sensed Loki needed to breathe. Maybe there was hope for him yet.</p><p>He was there when Loki got back that afternoon. He had left the door open as he often did during the day, and was sitting on the bed with a stack of reports spread out, a red marker in between his teeth that had been used to underline and connect various things in the literature. His hair was down and looked like he hadn’t bothered to look at it since showering and it had since dried in a static poof that he’d hastily tucked behind his ears, a move which did little to contain the rest that floated about him like a halo. Loki wasn’t so indifferent to him now that he didn’t notice how long his hair had gotten, just brushing the top of his collarbone and the upper portion of his thick, muscular back. There were little wrinkles forming in the space between his brows as he read, making him look comically confused. </p><p>It struck him that he had once deeply loved the person sitting in front of him. He hadn’t stopped to consider that what they had now, this cautious peace, was just another form of that. Maybe love could also be this odd, disjointed and tentative sort of thing between them, the way you might love somebody when you’ve both seen too much. </p><p>“If you’re stuck, you might try sounding out the letters,” he suggested, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him. </p><p>Thor frowned even deeper and finished carefully underlining before he looked up, mild annoyance scribbled across his broad, heavy features. “I sounded out the letters and they sounded a lot like: you’re an asshole.”</p><p>Loki smiled faintly. “So I’ve been told.”</p><p>Thor yawned and capped the marker. “I think that’s as much as my brain can handle today—<i>don’t say anything</i>.” Loki regarded the finger pointed at him like it was something he had thought about breaking once or twice. After he seemed certain Loki did not have a rejoinder, Thor looked away and began gathering his work into a pile. </p><p>Loki turned to his own work and soon became buried in an electronic pile of memos and emails that were annoyingly relevant and important. Thor left for the gym. </p><p>And so it went for many weeks. </p><p>There were still fights to be had, both between each other and with the Kaiju. Thor should not be allowed to leave his messy toothpaste tube on the counter, and Loki probably should not have thrown it at his head. The Kaiju continued to terrorize the world, but with funding the way that it was, they were finally able to throw their best efforts into research and development.</p><p>Hela’s spontaneous breaches, which they had destroyed along with her, were not the only breaches. With each time they got in a Jaeger, they fought better and their connection improved to the point where even Jane didn’t see a need to call them in for mandatory check ups anymore. </p><p>Today had been a fairly standard day as far as war went. Loki looked out over the gentle waves of the ocean, squinting against the glare from the midday sun. He was standing on the edge of Lucky’s thrice shattered visor, helmet tucked against his hip as they waited for extraction to pick them up. He frowned down over the sinking remains of the Kaiju that had been speared through in a team effort between themselves and Widower. It was a nice day despite the ongoing alien invasion. This high up the clean, crisp ocean air whipped up through the gaping hole in the comm pod, ruffling his sweat-damp hair.</p><p>If he were anyone else he might have taken time to appreciate the view, but he wasn’t and already he was tallying up a list in his head for when they were back on base. He needed to coordinate cleanup, they would need to guide several Kaiju Blue disposal teams, as the toxic sludge was already beginning to cling to Lucky’s metal legs. Banner would already be on specimen collection and data dispersal, he would need Tony to contact any remaining contractors they were friendly with for reconstruction…and maybe some new ones now that the interest was rising again.</p><p>He was so deep in thought that he nearly jumped when Thor appeared next to him, his own helmet gone, his hair was pulled back in a knot to keep it out of his face and yet he had done a terrible job of it and strands of hair were plastered to his forehead and cheeks while the rest of it moved ever so slightly in the breeze.</p><p>“You look like you’re a million miles away,” said Thor, amused. </p><p>His voice rumbled pleasantly in Loki’s ears and it made his heart squeeze in a way it hadn’t in a very long time. He took a steadying breath that did nothing to stay the flutter in his chest.</p><p>“Do you think you can get in contact with Fandral for a press bit?” he asked, an idea dawning on him. “We’re going to need a publicity boost on this that spins it in our favor. I’ll have Romanoff set up a meeting for you. I need you to make sure she’s part of it as well because her expertise is—”</p><p>He was so caught up in the logistics that he almost missed Thor’s small smile as he nodded, stepping close as the thrum of the Jumphawks sounded in the distance.</p><p>“Dumbass,” Thor said fondly, brushing aside the stray strands of hair that fluttered in front of Loki’s eyes and letting his fingers trace his cheeks before coming to rest along the side of his neck. “Can’t you just exist in a moment for once.”</p><p>Loki closed his mouth belatedly as Thor continued to look at him for all the world as if he were the most beautiful thing he’d ever laid eyes on. By now Loki knew he had always looked at him this way. </p><p>“Thor,” he began.</p><p>But Thor had already closed the distance and pressed his lips to Loki’s slightly parted ones. For once in his life, Loki was caught off guard. He let himself fall into it and allowed himself to really feel the things he'd avoided for so many years.</p><p>This was fine. </p><p>This was <i>good.</i></p><p>Some things could never be mended, but he and Thor weren't one of them. Somehow, against all odds, they had a fighting chance to have what they once shared and now he was prepared to fight for it.</p><p>He pulled away after a moment, breathing a little fast with his hands somehow tangled in the gritty, sweaty mess of Thor’s hair. The eyepatch was a sharp contrast against the silver scarring that crept out from beneath it and he ran a gentle finger along the flat, black metal and then looked at that deep blue eye that had always been for him. </p><p>“I love you,” he said and his mouth felt strange forming the words. </p><p>Thor smiled at him. “I know.”</p><p>Loki narrowed his eyes. “Also, if you expect me to continue piloting with you for any length of time, we're going to need to rename our Jaeger.”</p><p>Thor’s face twisted in horror. “We're going to do <i>what?</i>”</p>
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  <p>*</p>
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  <p>
    <i>fin.</i>
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    <i>fig. 1, center: Marshal Loki Odinson (L) and Pilot Thor Odinson (R)  // Co-pilots: Lucky Thunder</i>
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    <i>art by Andlatitude</i>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>+ PERFECT, perfect art that i cried over by myself for over a year by the talented <a href="https://twitter.com/aandlatitude">Andlatitude</a>. Steph, i still cannot express what an absolute joy it was to work with you. thank you so much for bringing this to life. &lt;3</p><p>+ and we're done! i am a little emotional that this is the end. this has been my baby for so long, idk how to say goodbye. i hope you all enjoyed! thank you for reading, commenting, and loving these idiots along the way.</p>
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